Learning to Live Again
by FicFloveR
Summary: Who has a mid-life crisis at 20? Bella Swan, that's who.  She thought Edward was collateral damage, but has all been lost? Who is living with her mother and why? Mostly canon, some OOC, B/E, rated M for language and later lemons.
1. Chapter 1 Welcome Home

**UPDATE: I have tried to clear out all of the original character names, but if I missed some, please let me know. Thanks!**

**So I wrote this puppy about a year ago. It was my original story line and had original characters, but it wasn't doing anything but sitting in my computer. I changed the characters and moved the location to Forks. There weren't enough original characters to include everyone, so for now there is no Alice or Jasper, but who knows what the future may hold? There will be some lemony goodness in later chapters. I will tell you now, this story is sub-par. The plot is rushed and it could use a LOT of work, but it was my first, so I'll always have a soft spot for it, lol.**

**Oh yeah, Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight related. Yadda yadda yadda.**

**Welcome Home**

Procrastination. Webster's defines it as intentionally and habitually putting off the doing of something. I firmly believe that no one person can ever be defined by words, but right now, that word defines me perfectly. I am procrastination personified. Huh, I also assume that this makes me a hypocrite. I cannot be defined, yet it defines me.

This is what happens when my mind is left to wander aimlessly. Thoughts build on thoughts, questions on questions. It's times like this that I think things like whether or not someone could get drunk by introducing alcohol directly to their blood stream versus imbibing.

I cannot escape my inner crazy.

I lay flat on my back looking up at the ceiling fan. Watching it twirl out it's slow rhythm. If I stared at it long enough the blades would appear to temporarily change direction. This was something I thought was more worthy of my time than the two boxes of clothes that remained yet untouched since I arrived.

I let my head loll in their direction and tried to give myself a mental pep talk. In my head I envisioned myself a prize fighter doing the customary boxing warm up dance as I like to call it. I could even hear the Rocky theme playing through my head. I told myself I was a champ, nothing could stop me now. I told myself to get up and get moving, which was followed by the cheers of a large crowd.

My body didn't listen.

Honestly I would have been content to stay in that one spot for the rest of the week, but I knew that would never happen. The only thing that made me move again was the sound of my mother's car pulling in to the driveway. She didn't need to see me laying upside down on the bed wallowing in my own self pity.

I had quit my job and moved home at the ripe old age of 24. After finishing college I had decided to take a full time job at a photography studio at the nearby mall. I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life so I took a job that would help me explore one of my former interests. It turned out it was just that, a FORMER interest. The parents forcing crying children to sit still and expecting to get a perfect picture of their little "angels" (most were like little devils when forced to sit under a hot light and fake a smile) had cured me of any desire to have a future in photography.

I forced myself to keep working there long enough to save up a decent amount of money and when the time came that I couldn't bear the thought of going in to that job one more day, I quit. I hadn't bought any new cars or used any credit cards so I had no debt during that time other than one quarter of my monthly rent and utilities.

That was another thing I had been cured of. Ever wanting a roommate. Too many girls in too small of a space makes for hard living if you ask me.

Since my mom was gracious enough to let me move back in with her I didn't have any rent to pay, and that meant that I could take my time until I figured out what I wanted to do. Well, I don't know if gracious is the right word, lonely was probably closer to the truth. Ever since my father had died two years earlier she hadn't been home much. I think it was because the house seemed so empty when she was here by herself.

I had just gotten the lid open on the next to last box when she knocked on the door.

"Hey. How's it going in here?"

My mom and I looked so much alike that it was a bit creepy. Her hair and eyes were a different color, but other than that we look just alike. Well, given the 25 year age difference and an inch or two difference in height (all in her favor). My coloring came straight from my dad.

"It's going. I've just got these two boxes left and then I'll be done. How was work?"

My mom was a nurse at the local hospital and worked most of the time to keep her mind occupied. I had to admit that she was very attractive for 49. I never could figure out why guys never asked her out. I'm sure there was no shortage of available men at work.

Esme Swan was one of the nicest and most sincere people that anyone could ever meet. She always gave it to you straight, but also nicely. That woman could sugar coat a death sentence so much a convict would be happy to die. I imagine that if she'd been alive before the civil war she would have made a perfect southern belle.

"It was work. I got to help in the nursery today because three of their people called in sick at the last minute. Now I remember why I stopped having kids after number two."

She grinned that special grin that only my mom had. In one pull of the corners of her mouth you could always tell that she was somehow making a gracefully hidden dig at you.

"And I'm sure your deciding to not have any more kids had nothing to do with me being the perfect angel that I was, and deciding that you just shouldn't try to top perfection. I mean it wouldn't have been fair if a third child couldn't live up to the hype I created would it?"

She laughed out loud, "I always did like your sense of humor. Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite daughter?"

It was my turn to laugh. "Did you happen to forget that I am your only daughter?"

"Well, you're still my favorite. It could be worse, I could not like you at all."

"Please. You never had a chance. One wink of these beautiful brown eyes and you are putty in my hands."

"Bella, I couldn't deny you anything if I wanted too. You know all my secrets too well."

"I should. I'm the only friend you have."

"If you knew how true that was you wouldn't have moved back home. I might not ever let you leave again."

"Free rent, home cooked meals, I don't have to get a job, and I don't have to do laundry? You might not ever be able to make me leave again. If I have learned anything living on my own it's that you don't look a gift maid in the mouth."

It was easy talking with my mom like this. We joked our way through everything. The entire town thought we were crazy when we started laughing in the middle of my father's funeral. All those people giving us their half-hearted condolences for days, plus a lack of sleep, didn't make it easy for us to ignore when the preacher kept using the wrong name during the funeral. When I told my mom "Wow, dad really screwed up his business cards," she just cracked up, and then so did I. It felt good, and right, because my dad would have wanted it that way.

In the middle of our giggles she crossed the room and hugged me. I hugged her back tightly and held on until we both quieted down. She pulled back and held me at arm's length and said, "I sure have missed having you around kiddo."

"I've missed being here."

"You wanna go get some dinner tonight? My treat."

"Sure. After that though I'm supposed to meet Rose in Port Angeles."

Rosalie Hale had been my best friend since middle school. We didn't see much of each other while we were in college, but we still talked at least once a week. She had also recently moved back, but it was because she had taken a job here whereas I had given one away, so this was kind of like our "welcome back home" celebration for each other.

Rose was naturally gorgeous and everyone knew it. Luckily she didn't. She had that typical girl disorder where your reflection automatically looks ten pounds heavier and your face about ten degrees less attractive than what other people see when they look at you. And of course that made her the girl all the other girls loved to hate. Pretty _and_ nice, a bad combination when you tried to make friends in a small town.

She was a couple of inches taller than me and very thin. She was blessed in ways that most girls pay for. What made it worse was that she had a natural muted olive tone to her so her skin had a warm look to it even in the dead of winter. I loved her like a sister, and I envied the hell out of her.

I was looking forward to spending some quality girl time with her, but knew that I would feel like a troll beside her all evening. Not because of her, but because of all the guys that would interrupt our conversations and somehow not manage to see I was sitting there. One time we were out getting lunch at a Wendy's and a guy actually almost sat on me because he didn't notice me sitting across from her.

Hopefully, since we were in our home town, and most people knew us, it wouldn't be a problem tonight. Forks, Washington was a VERY small town. It had a grocery store, but we had to drive all the way to Port Angeles for a decent bar or restaurant.

"Okay. Let me get a shower and change and then we can go." My mom had interrupted my internal monologue and it took me a moment to remember what we had been talking about.

"That's fine, I still have two boxes left to unpack then I need a shower too, so take your time."

She turned and walked out of the room, leaving me to finish up. The last boxes only took a couple of minutes since they were nothing but clothes. I didn't have much in the way of personal belongings. I got that from my dad. Light living meant light moving. Unpacking should only have taken about a couple of hours, but because I am a procrastinator, and tend to avoid things, it took most of the day.

I dug out my favorite pair of jeans (that coincidentally happened to be the pair that made my rear view look like a million bucks) and a dressy blue top, and headed to the bathroom. Realizing that I had forgotten to get underwear, I turned around and went back in to my room. I opened the dresser drawer and immediately grabbed the first pair of cotton briefs I could find. I didn't even bother with anything nicer because I knew there was no chance of anyone seeing them unless I was in a car accident and my pants had to be cut off.

I had lived the last two years swearing off men. I didn't want to try and figure out anyone else when I could barely figure out myself. Men were the last thing I was interested in at the moment. Maybe after I got a good job I would start dating again, I just didn't think that "Hey, I'm unemployed and living with my mother" was the best way to attract a good man.

I went back in to the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as it would go. I let the steam fill the room before I took my clothes off. The wall length mirror wouldn't allow me to miss the weight I had gained recently. Not that I was fat by any means, but I didn't work out as much as I should anymore and the hard lines of muscles had turned a little soft. Adding even the smallest amount of weight to a 5'4", 125 pound frame made a noticeable difference.

I took my hair out of its ponytail and let it fall. I was never big on change so I didn't bleach, dye, or use highlights. I only cut my hair about once every 6 months, so it hung to my waist. It was a nice dark chestnut color, with natural touches of light brown and red scattered throughout, and matched my eyes exactly. I ran a brush through it to get out the tangles and relished the silky weight as it fell back on to my skin. If there was one thing that I was always secretly proud of, it was my hair. It would shine like hair in those shampoo commercials if I put any effort in to taking care of it.

I got in the shower and let the hot water run over my back for a few minutes, just clearing my head. I thought of nothing while I bathed other than concentrating on what I was doing.

I heard a quiet knock on the bathroom door, "Honey, can I come in for a sec?"

"Sure mom."

"Hey, so I have something that you might need to know."

"What?"

She didn't answer me. I peeked out around the curtain, "Mom, what?"

She looked up at me and smiled, "Oh, they um..., might have an opening at the hospital in a few weeks if you're interested. I can talk to someone in Human Resources for you, if you want."

"Doing what? I'm not gonna have to, like, move dead people am I?"

She laughed. "No, one of the girls that works in the nurses' station in the pediatric ward is leaving for a new job in about a month. She just works with charts and helps the nurses out. Nothing glamorous."

"Okay, I'm willing to try anything. Who knows maybe I'll end going back to school for nursing."

"Well, just make it a cheap one. I wanna be buried with all of the money I can take with me."

I peeked out at her again. I smiled because I knew something good was coming. "Now why would you choose to take my inheritance to the grave? I might need it to support my lifestyle of the broke and jobless."

"Well, I'm sure there's plenty of good looking ladies in heaven, and I'm gonna need something to bribe them with to stay away from your daddy." She chuckled.

"Mom, I think you were the only angel dad ever cared to love. Now, stop coming in here fishing for compliments, I need to finish so we can get going. Rose is going to kill me if I'm late."

My mom got up and walked out. I know that she was joking, but I could tell that she still missed my dad a lot. She always tried to put on a brave face, but I know that she was trying hard not to let anyone see how sad she was. I wished that I could help her.

As usual my mind started moving on to inane random thoughts and I settled in to a relaxed mood. I decided that I was ready to get out of the house and have a good time. I turned off the water and started getting ready to leave, looking ahead to my first Friday night back in town.


	2. Chapter 2 A Night Out

**Ms. Meyer owns it. I just play with it.**

**A Night Out**

"Bella! Over here!" I heard Rose calling my name over the crowd in the small bar.

I never knew what it was called because the name of the place wasn't up anywhere, but in a town this small it was the only bar so it didn't matter. It was only big enough to seat about 50 people max. The small size is why it was one of our favorite places to go whenever we were both home.

The walls were decorated with random beer advertisements and photos of just about anything as long as it was old. If they played any music it was low enough to be easily talked over, and there were no pool tables or dart board. Basically it was used for drinking and talking, that was it. Though I noticed they must have recently put in a TV by the bar. I walked to the table where she sat with a martyred expression.

"You're late." Rose scolded me at the same time she hugged me.

"I know, I'm sorry. I was having dinner with my mom and the place was pretty crowded so we got held up. Speaking of crowded ... What's going on in here tonight?"

"I forgive you. I don't know, looks like they were having an old man convention. " She gestured around the room, and sure enough, it was full of forty and fifty-something men. There were only three other women in the bar, and they worked there.

"Ah. I see. And how many free drinks have you had so far?"

"Just two. I wanted to wait for you before I got completely tanked. You know, in case someone here thought they might want to bundle me up and lock me in their basement."

"Good thinking. From the looks of it, you might not have been too far off." Several men stared at our table, and a few didn't look too sane. "Although I may not have tried to stop them from taking you." I smiled and chuckled.

"Are you STILL holding on to that? We go through this every time we see each other. Let it goooo." A very amused expression played across her face.

In middle school I had a slumber party for my fourteenth birthday. I only invited three girls, which turned out to be two too many. While I was in the shower the other girls convinced Rose it would be fun to pull a prank on me. They snuck in to the bathroom while I was showering and removed my clothes and all the towels. I had to come out completely naked and shivering like crazy. It wasn't funny then, probably closer to absolutely mortifying, but it was funny now. Scarred me for life though. Now I can't even stand to be completely naked in a room by myself. After showers I even put my bra on over my towel before I will pull it down. Of course that doesn't even happen until I have my underwear on underneath.

"Here, I already ordered you a beer." Rose slid an ice cold Bud Light towards me.

"Ugh. I would love to have that with you, but my mom is sleeping and I don't want to bug her for a ride home. Not to mention that you'll need a ride yourself. It's your turn anyway."

"That's right, you got to drink the last time. I had almost forgotten." She raised her bottle from the table and said, "Here's to best friends that let you drink yourself silly, then drive you home, and hopefully never tells anyone what you say while you are intoxicated."

Rose and I laughed out loud at the recalled conversations that we had when either one or the both of us were drunk. We always swore we would never repeat those conversations or hold the inebriated party responsible for what they said. Being that our voices were decidedly different it caught every ones attention and you could hear the lull in conversation. That made us laugh even more.

"So how is your mom doing? I haven't seen her since the last time you were home."

"You know, I think something is going on with her, but I can't figure out what."

"What makes you think so?"

"Well, when we were at dinner tonight she kept acting like she wanted to tell me something but, never got around to saying it. It was like she kept changing her mind at the last minute. Part of me thinks she might have a boyfriend, but she doesn't know how I'll take it."

"How would you take it?"

"I don't know. I know she loves my dad and she always will. No one could ever replace him, and it would be really weird to see her with another guy, but if it makes her happy then I think I'd be okay."

"Well, let's just hope she snags one of those good looking single doctors at the hospital."

"Yes, lets. Let's also hope that he has a large inheritance and no other living relatives to speak of."

As the night came and went so did the drinks. Rose was drunk, but I'd seen her worse. The best part of it all was that we hadn't had to pay for a single thing we ordered. There was a table of older gentlemen seated about two tables down that were entertained enough by our laughing and Rosalie's pretty face that they were content to watch our good time from a distance. For now. I knew at least one of them would come over before the night ended. Although I was used to the extra attention when I was with her, it still made me uncomfortable. I didn't like to be looked at.

We had talked for two hours straight about where we had been and what we had been doing. The conversation eventually took a natural course towards relationships. I participated in that part as little as possible, hoping it was just enough to keep her interest in my love life at bay. Apparently not.

"So, Bella, are you dating anyone right now?" Rose looked genuinely interested, but I didn't want to get in to it.

"No, I am perfectly happy being single right now. I have no desire to date anyone for the time being," I said. Hopefully that would make an effective end to that specific line of questioning. Again, I was proven wrong.

"Oh my God, what ever happened to Edward Masen? I thought you two were gonna end up married with fifty babies by now."

I looked down at the table and thought about how to best answer that question. I stuttered with a beginning twice before I sighed and said, "I broke up with him during my sophomore year of college and haven't talked to him since. You know that. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I would be the last person to know what he's up to. "

"Really? Your mom hasn't heard anything?" I was confused by the fact that she looked confused. I chalked it up to the three martinis and two beers she'd had.

"Trust me, if my mom knew anything she would have told me by now. She's not the best at keeping that kind of stuff to herself. Then again, I haven't asked."

Just then I felt someone standing behind my shoulder. We looked up at the man, probably mid 40's, and not terribly unattractive. He was one of the group that had been sending drinks to our table. Here we go.

"Hey ladies. Me and my friends been waitin' for ya'll to come over and thank us all evenin'. What's takin' so long?" He sounded like he had been smoking his entire life, and smelled like it too.

"Didn't you know that it takes women seventy five percent more time to get ready than men? We're going to make the most of our dedication and sit here for a while so others can enjoy our efforts." I hoped he would take the hint.

He snickered, "We ain't picky. It's only fair to come thank the men that's been droppin' money on you all night."

I laughed, "Well, you know women are bad with directions. We didn't want to get up from the table because we were afraid we would get lost on the way over there."

I suddenly realized that a joking, soft blow-off probably wasn't going to work with this guy. I did feel bad that they had been paying for everything and I was going to have to be rude. Also, I _really, really_ dislike confrontations.

Just then two guys, about our age, and not unfortunate looking at all, walked in. The sound of the door opening caught my attention. The look on my face must have been something because the taller one got an amused expression and then started heading in our direction, trying to ascertain what was happening. It was obvious that we were more than a bit uncomfortable.

The older gentleman hadn't been affected by either of my brush off attempts, "Me and the fellas were 'bout to go grab a smoke in the parkin' lot. You ladies wanna come?"

"Hey, great, you guys are still here. We were afraid we'd missed you." The guy who had been eavesdropping promptly sat beside me, threw his arm over my shoulder, and said to Rose, "Sam's up at the bar getting us some beers."

I turned to look at him and smiled, "We've been waiting for you all night. What took so long?"

"Oh, you know how it is for policemen. My job is my life, I was giving my chief the rundown on what happened when I shot that perp yesterday."

"Oh, well I hope it all went okay." I hugged him for effect, which surprised me because I'm not the type of person that likes physical contact. Especially with strangers.

When I released him, he looked up to the other gentleman who was still standing there, watching what was happening. "Is there something we can help you with sir?"

"Naw, I was just headin' back to my buddies." He nodded to Rose and me, "You ladies have a good night." He turned and walked back to his table where his friends were laughing. They all got up and left the bar.

"Nice to meet you, my name is Bella, and this is my friend Rosalie." I held out my hand for him to shake it.

"Pleasure is all mine. My name is Jacob, and this is Sam." Just then his friend pulled up a seat beside Rose.

"Dude, you're working fast tonight." He handed Jacob a beer,

"No, these to ladies just needed a little help is all. Just saving a couple of damsels in distress."

"I think that we had it under control, but thanks for your concern." I was surprised at Rosalie's tone. Normally she wouldn't mind the company of a cute guy. Maybe it was the drinking, but whatever is was, she wasn't being very friendly.

"Don't I know you? Yeah, you work with a buddy of mine." Sam was talking to Rose. "Do you know Jason Jenks?"

Rose replied and the two of them began a somewhat amicable conversation. I couldn't believe that she wasn't being more polite since they did help us out. Maybe the other guys had freaked her out a little bit.

Not wanting to be rude, and still a little grateful, I turned to Jacob. "So, you're a cop?"

"No, no. I am not a cop, my dad runs a _very _small horse farm on the outskirts of the reservation at La Push and we're on a run for him." He smiled a little at my interest. "That was just for your man-friend's benefit."

"Ah, I see. Nothing like the threat of a trigger happy, psycho cop to scare off the crazies."

He laughed. "It worked on me before so I thought I would give it a try."

"So you stalk pretty young girls in bars often enough that you know what threats work to get rid of people. I should be scared." I took a sip of my water.

He chuckled, "Ouch. That hurt. I am not a stalker just an observer. You aren't drinking?"

"No, don't want to chance getting pulled over by one of the cops like you."

"You are full of jokes aren't you?" He had turned his body completely towards me and was leaning closer to me.

"Well, that's me. The funny friend with the great personality. Rosalie over there is the looker in this relationship so I have to work with what I've got." I looked at Rose and she and Sam were getting along a bit better, but she wasn't paying him as much attention as he obviously would have liked. A touch on my hand pulled my attention back to Jacob.

"I wouldn't go that far. You're personality isn't that great, and you're jokes aren't that funny. You must be prettier than you give yourself credit for." He was obviously joking.

I looked away and shook my head, smiling. I had been so used to avoiding being around guys that I hadn't seen where this was going until it was way too late. Now he thought I was flirting, and maybe I was, but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

"Not me, I'm a realist."

"So do you live around here?" He was obviously interested, I needed to back off a bit.

"Um, yeah. I just moved back home with my mother this morning. I don't have a job." There, that should slow him down a bit.

"You should get a job where they sell fishing gear."

I had no idea what he meant. "What? Why?"

"Because I'm buying you hook, line, and sinker."

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. It had to be the single worst come on line I had ever heard. He was laughing too.

"See, I have some jokes of my own, I knew you would laugh with me." Thank goodness he had been joking.

I had to take a deep breath and said, "Oh no, you've got it all wrong. I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing AT you."

Jacob started looking around me for something.

"What are you looking for?"

"The skin you must have shed to get in here. There is some venom in you. It burns!"

"Ah, clever. I'm mean as a snake. I get it." I shook my head at him. "You should bring a flute with you next time, maybe you could charm me in to doing a little dance for you."

WHAT THE HELL did I just say? Where did my mental filter go? I hadn't even been drinking.

"Hey, Bella, I'm not feeling too good all of the sudden. Can we go?" I looked at Rose and she was looking pretty uncomfortable. Saved by the drunk girl. Thank God I could still leave with some dignity.

"Yeah, of course. It was nice to meet you Jack, I mean Jacob, sorry. You too, Sam, was it? You guys have a good trip." I stood up and grabbed my bag and helped Rose out of her chair.

"Hey, if I give you my number will you promise to call me sometime?" Jacob had stood too and was watching me with a hopeful expression.

He had been very nice, and he'd made me laugh, so I didn't want to hurt his feelings. "Sure, just write it down for me." I knew I wouldn't be calling him. I so didn't need that in my life right now.

He wrote it on a clean napkin along with his name. I looked at it closer and noticed that he had included his home address and an email as well. "My my, somebody must be desperate."

"No, just thorough. Do you need some help getting her to the car?"

"No thanks, we've got it. I appreciate your help. Goodnight."

"Good night."

Rose and I turned to go. When we reached the exit I could feel that it had gotten a bit cooler out than I had expected.

I led the way down the sidewalk to my car. It was a three year old Toyota 4-Runner. I didn't need a car that big, but my dad bought it for me the year before he passed away. He also left me a nice chunk of change from his life insurance policy. I hadn't touched any of it though. It was sitting in the bank, waiting for me to figure out what to do with it. Procrastinating again, I guess.

"Take me home driver. I have a empty apartment to get to."

"Where's your sister? " Rose shared an apartment ten minutes outside of town with her older half-sister Vicky. Their father had left Vicky's mother for Rose's mom. Rose wasn't quite planned so her sister was eight years her senior. Aside from DNA they didn't have much in common, but it was a place to live.

"Oh, she went to see her mom in Tacoma. She won't be back in town until Sunday."

"Why don't I just stay with you tonight? I haven't seen you in forever, plus we can talk since we didn't really get to earlier."

"Umm, no, that's probably not a good idea. Vicky is really weird about people being in the apartment. She's so OCD about it that she probably rigged the place with cameras."

"Okay, so come stay with me then."

"Fine by me, but you're cooking me breakfast in the morning."

"Deal."

We chatted on the way home and pulled in to my mom's driveway about an hour later. We went in the house and crept quietly down the hallway to my room. There was a note taped to my door.

_Bella, your brother called. He's coming by to get some_

_ of his equipment in the morning. Be up early for breakfast._

_ Hope you had a good time. How is Rose?_

_ Love, Mom._

"Oh hey look, Emmett is coming by tomorrow. Looks like you'll get breakfast, and I won't even have to cook it."

"Fantastic, I hope your mom makes some of those fried potatoes. Those are the best."

I shut the door to my room and turned to go to my dresser. Rose was already there going through my clothes. I wasn't going to stop her since she was now fully undressed except for her underwear.

I laughed at her, topless, rummaging through my drawers with one eye shut and the other barely squinted open.

"Do you ever keep those things holstered?" We were close enough that she never minded being that way around me, but I never felt comfortable doing the same. I didn't even like seeing myself naked, I couldn't imagine being that way in front of someone else with the lights on.

"If you don't help me find a shirt I WILL sleep in your bed like this."

"Disgusting. I don't know why I'm friends with you." I laughed while I opened another drawer and handed her a tank top and pajama shorts.

I grabbed a set for myself and changed, then plopped down on the bed beside her and turned off the light. I laid there and started working to relax my muscles. I had a bad habit of tensing up for no reason. Just as I was about to drift off Rose asked, "Why did you turn the lights off?"

"So I could go to sleep?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know what you are doing. Spill."

"About what?"

"I never pushed you about it back then because I could tell you were hurt. To be honest I hadn't thought about it in a long time until tonight, but it's been four years and it's time you gave up the goods. What went on with you and Edward?"

Crap. I was hoping to avoid doing this tonight. She was right though. I had purposefully not talked about it for a long time so that I wouldn't have to re-hash everything. There was no way to tell the whole story because I wasn't even sure what the whole story was. Damn her for bringing him up.

"Well, long story short, I had an early mid-life crisis, broke up with him , then avoided his calls until he left me alone."

"I know you don't think I'm going to settle for that. Start at the beginning and go from there."

I heaved out a sigh. "I don't know what happened exactly. I started freaking out about being engaged so young, and I knew that if I put the engagement on hold he would be upset, and then he wouldn't trust me if I told him it was just because I needed time to grow up. So the only conclusion I could come to at the time was to break up with him and save him the pain of not trusting me."

"Wow that sucks rocks, Bella."

"I know."

"You seriously never tried to talk to him about it? Or me?"

"No, like I said, I know how he would have reacted and I was too hurt and ashamed to talk to anyone else about it."

"You do realize that you could have been completely wrong about the whole thing right?"

"I didn't at the time, but I did later. It was too late at that point and I didn't want to hurt or confuse him anymore than I already had, so... Doesn't matter, what's done is done."

"Again, wow. The way you used to talk about him I always thought you would have done anything for him. You know, true love and all that jazz."

"So did I. "

"Is that why you don't date anymore?"

"Not really, that was four years ago. I dated around for a while, but I honestly got tired of the whole thing. Getting to know someone and then finding out they are completely different than you thought just grew old. Not to mention I hated the game playing. It was always funny when I told guys I didn't like to play games, because then they tried to figure out what game I was playing. I didn't want to waste any more time on it. I'm happy for now, and that's enough. When I get lonely enough I'll jump back in to it."

"Well, let me know when you decide. I'm sure we can find a certain Native American boy that would take a heartless girl like you."

"Aww, thanks. I hate to think that he's gonna be waiting for a call that will never come."

"Huh?"

"I'm not in the right frame of mind to be dating anyone. He was nice, cute, and funny, but I don't plan on seeing him ever again.

" I can't believe you are going to waste a completely good phone number, and email, and home address." She laughed.

"Me? What about you, his friend seemed nice enough and you wouldn't even give him the time of day. Maybe that old guy should have stayed, I'm sure he would have been more than happy to occupy your attention tonight."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

We both giggled and then quieted back down. A few minutes later I could hear her breathing slow and I knew she was asleep. I laid there and continued to think about Edward and wondered idly where he was and what he was doing. I hoped that he was happy where ever he was, and that I hadn't scarred him for life when it came to women.

I closed my eyes and drifted slowly in to a restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3 Unexpected Situations

**I own the story, but not the people.**

**Unexpected Situations**

In the morning I was awakened by the sun light streaming through my curtain-less windows. I was going to have to fix that. I heard my mother in the kitchen talking and suddenly remembered I was supposed to be up early for breakfast with my brother. I grudgingly forced my eyelids open. As soon as I could see I realized there was another set of eyes about two inches from my face, but they didn't belong to a girl.

I screamed and scrambled backwards in the bed.

"You rotten excuse for a brother! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

Emmett was too busy rolling on the floor in a fit of soundless laughter to notice that I was serious. At the same time I caught a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror and realized that I did look fairly comical. My eyes were wide and my hair was scrambled all over my head. The annoyance melted away and I climbed down from the bed.

I realized that I hadn't knocked Rose out of the bed with my sudden jump and thought that must be who my mom was talking to. I strode across the room and headed out the door, giving my brother a swift but light kick to the groin area. He sucked in a quick breath.

"Yeah, keep laughing. I'll get you back." I knew my words wouldn't be taken lightly.

I turned and began running as soon as I saw that gleam in his eye that said, 'I'm about to do something unpleasant to you and I'm going to think it's the funniest thing ever'.

I could hear him gaining on me, but he wasn't fast enough. I reached the kitchen first and used my mom as a human shield.

"What are you doing?"

"Em is after me. I need a diversion. You're his mother, he would never hurt you."

Just then Emmett burst in the room, still out of breath. "Put the old woman down and back away with your hands up."

"Call me old again and I'll give you something to make you forget about whatever she did to you." My mother held a spatula up to his face and stared him down.

I could see that he realized I wasn't moving for now and he gave up on the chase.

"That's fine, just gives me more time to plan my revenge." He strode over to the bar and took a seat beside Rose, then reached over and stole a piece of bacon from her plate.

"The bacon is fine, but touch my potatoes and you're a dead man. " She lowered the fork that she had pointed directly at his eye and returned to eating.

"If it's a death by suffocation with nude body parts I'm all in."

If eyes made noises the kitchen would have been filled with the sound of three sets rolling hard. As it was, we did let out collective groans. My brother had a way of making too many dirty jokes. Most people found it offensive, but I kind of found it endearing. I knew he didn't mean any of it.

"Morning Rose, sleep okay?" I turned to her with a knowing grin.

"Yeah, when you weren't kicking like mule."

"Hey, I only kick when you try to cuddle."

"Hey Rosie, wanna go take a nap? I promise I won't kick you away." Emmett slid up really close to her and started blowing in her ear. When Rose kept her gaze straight forward and pretended to ignore him he laughed and gave up.

"So what do you girls have planned today?" My mom was mindlessly scrambling some eggs.

"Well I've got some empty moving boxes that need to be put away in the shop out back, so I'll probably get Rose to help me with that after breakfast. Then I have nothing planned."

My mom's stirring spoon stuttered in the pan. "Why don't you let Emmett do that for you dear?"

I didn't even have to reply, Em beat me to it. "No can do, as soon as I'm finished I've got to load up some equipment and get it delivered to a job site for next week."

"Oh, well, I was hoping we could go shopping right after breakfast. I want to get to the mall early before all the good sales are over." My mom was a huge fan of the early bird deals.

"Okay, I can get to them later. You wanna come Rose?"

I had obviously pulled her out of some other train of thought, and her eyes blinked before she responded ,"Sorry I was planning on getting some work done around the apartment this afternoon before Vicky gets back tomorrow."

"Okay, well, let me get a shower and get dressed. We can drop you off at your car on the way."

"Thanks."

I showered and dressed quickly. I finished drying my hair and headed back to the kitchen. They were talking when I came back in the room and I caught the end of a question Em was asking my mom.

"...haven't told her yet?"

"Told me what?"

They all turned to look at me. I could tell they were all talking about me.

"Oh, uh, that I might be able to let you help a little this fall. I'm sure I can find something for you to do around the job sites."

My brother ran a landscaping business. He did rather well for himself and had accumulated a wide array of equipment that he now stored out back behind my mother's house. He used her workshop as a make shift office.

"Okay. Whatever. I could use the extra money, and I wouldn't mind working outdoors."

"Great. I've got to get going." He gave my mom a quick kiss on the cheek and then glared at me. "I'll be waiting for the perfect time to get you back. Sleep with one eye open."

I rolled my eyes and waited for my mother to turn her back to me. Then I gave him a quick one fingered wave and smiled as sweetly as I could.

Rose started laughing, which caught his attention. He turned to her and in his best attempt at a seductive voice he whispered, "I'll be waiting for you too. Whenever you're ready, come find me."

"Em get out of here, you are so gross." I playfully pushed him away from her and we giggled in unison.

Em and Rose were as much brother and sister as any two unrelated people could get. She and I had been best friends so long that we all practically grew up together. Em was only two years older than us, and he was such a typical boy. He never "dated" girls, but he did take them on dates before he slept with them, and we had a lot of fun at his expense about it.

Once he was out the door I turned to Rose and asked, "So are you ready to get going?"

"Yep."

We all three piled in to my car and drove to back to the bar. She thanked my mom for breakfast and then threw a quick wave in our direction as she ran up the sidewalk to her car. I hadn't been paying much attention before, but she seemed excited. It seemed odd given what she said she had planned for the rest of the day. Something was going on with her, I would have to ask her about it later.

I was sitting in the living room flipping through the channels on the television trying to find something to watch. We hadn't even made it to the mall and my mom got a call from the hospital. Some more of the nurses were out sick and they were calling in reinforcements. It was only 9:00 am and I had a whole day ahead of me with absolutely nothing to do. I turned off the TV and heaved myself off the couch with a loud huff.

I wandered down the hall to my room and remembered the pile of boxes in the corner that still needed to be put away. I hated cleaning, but I was willing to do anything at this point to avoid the boredom that seemed intent on filling my entire day. I carried as many boxes as I could at one time out on to the back deck. My father's old Gator was parked by the steps and I decided to take advantage of it. After two more trips I had all the boxes stacked precariously in the bed. I cranked it up and headed for the shop.

My parents had bought this place when I was ten. They had saved for years to afford the house they wanted. It was a decent sized ranch house on a little less than 20 acres at the edge of town. Most people used that kind of land for farming, but not my dad. He wanted trees in every direction to provide as much seclusion from the real world as possible. Only the front porch offered a glimpse of the road that lead to our driveway.

The shop was situated a little ways from the house, nestled in an alcove in the trees. My brother must have cleared out a large section for parking his work equipment. He apparently had also added to the shop. It had a new section added to the right side with two huge garage doors on the end. I parked in front of the old part of the building and grabbed an armful of boxes. After doing my best balancing act I made it to the door and somehow got it open on the first try.

I put the boxes down and heard a muffled rustling noise. I reached for the light switch to see what kind of animal had made its home among my mother's junk. I immediately wished I hadn't.

As soon as my mind processed what was happening in front of me I froze. The room wasn't filled with junk as I had expected. It was instead filled with dressers and a bed. A bed that was occupied. Occupied by two people. Two people that looked at me with the same amount of shock and embarrassment that must have been on my face. The only difference was that I was wearing clothes, and they weren't. I had obviously interrupted something.

Before my mouth could start to form the questions about who they were and what they were doing here, a flicker of recognition hit. I knew him. It was Edward.

It felt like my feet had been speared to the floor. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, but immediately all the blood drained from my face as quickly as it had come. It was Edward, and a girl. A very naked girl.

"Oh, shit" was all I could say.

We locked eyes for the longest second in the history of the world before my body finally unfroze itself. I turned and closed the door as quickly as I could. As soon as I could feel my legs again I made a run for the Gator, cranked it , and sped away from the shop as quickly as I could, leaving a trail of boxes behind me.

I made it back to the house faster than I thought possible and ran inside. Then I didn't know what to do. I kept looking for something, anything, anyone. I suddenly realized that this morning my brother wasn't talking about letting me work for him. He was asking about why no one had bothered to tell me that my ex-fiancé was living 100 yards away from me. Because he was obviously living there. The room had been filled with his things and no one would be doing something like that in my mother's shop unless they weren't worried about people walking in on them.

No wonder my mom didn't want me taking those boxes out there. As soon as I realized that I could have avoided the most awkward moment of my life I was filled with anger. I picked up the phone and dialed my mothers work number.

"Good morning, you have reached the nurses line..."

My mother wasn't in her office. I waited to hear the beep and then left a message for her to call me as soon as possible. When I hung up I decided that I needed to get out of there. I started grabbing my things and looking for my keys. I went in to my room, remembering I had dropped them on my bed when I got back this morning.

No, I shouldn't have to go anywhere. This was my house, I wasn't leaving. Besides, I didn't have anywhere to go. I was too keyed up so I flopped face first in to my pillow and tried to slow my breathing. What was I supposed to do now? Was I supposed to hide? Was I supposed to send him an apology note? What?

I had no clue what was happening but I didn't like it one bit. As soon as I calmed down somewhat I flipped on to my back. I stared at the ceiling and realized that tears were running down towards my ears. That was odd. I wasn't crying, but there were definitely tears. Must be from the deep mortification that found its way back in to my stomach. That must be what was making me feel so nauseated. I didn't know what to do, so I just laid there and closed my eyes, and concentrated on my breathing again.

I must have been tired from the late night and early morning because the next thing I knew I was waking to the sound someone rummaging in the kitchen. My mom must have come home from work. I was immediately forming the myriad questions in my head as I stormed down the hallway. I turned the corner in to the kitchen at the exact same moment that the refrigerator door flung open.

The door to the refrigerator sometimes stuck, and had to be opened with some force. This was apparently one of those times. My head turned just in time to see the stainless steel door before it made impact with my eyebrow. And I had thought this day couldn't get any worse.

I felt my body stumbling backwards, and heard the sharp crack as my head hit the tile floor. I saw a face leaning over me before everything went black, but I was coherent enough to know it was the last face I wanted to see at that moment.


	4. Chapter 4 Hospitals and Caretakers

**Story: Mine, Characters: Stephenie's**

**Hospitals and Caretakers**

I woke to a cold feeling on my face and an unbearable throbbing in my head. I slowly remembered what had happened and whimpered quietly at the thought of having to face him. Better get it over with.

My eyes fluttered open and tried to focus, but one was covered in something hot and sticky. I reached to wipe at whatever it was and someone caught my hand.

"Easy. You had a pretty bad fall and your eye is bleeding all over the place." The sound of his voice flooded my ears and I could easily discern the wariness, though whether it was because of me or the blood I couldn't tell.

"Yeah, head wounds tend to do that. I can't see anything." My voice was barely audible.

I felt something cool and wet rubbing at my eye and realized he must have gotten a rag from the bathroom closet. I tried to sit up and he helped me.

"Can you stand up?"

"I don't know, my legs feel kind of funny, and I'm pretty dizzy."

The next thing I knew I was being hoisted up off the floor and carried outside. I wasn't sure what was happening.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking you to the hospital. That's a pretty nasty cut and it's gonna need stitches."

"You don't have to do that. I can call someone to come get me."

"Yeah I kind of do, it's my fault. I thought you were gone, otherwise I wouldn't have come in."

I suddenly felt defensive and wasn't sure why. His tone was obviously apologetic, not accusing in the least, but I didn't like it. What he said bothered me somehow. That feeling quickly passed as the dizziness caught up with me and I vomited. Unfortunately for Edward that vomit happened to be aimed directly at his chest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that was going to happen." God must have been mad at me today. That must be why this is happening.

"Don't worry about it, we better hurry. " Even though he tried to sound nonchalant about it, I could tell he was trying not to breathe, and heard him gag slightly.

He sat me down gently in the passenger seat of what I assumed was his truck and buckled me in. I held the rag to my head and tried to breathe through the pain. Sometime between him shutting the door and getting in on his side his shirt had been changed.

"I'm bleeding and throwing up, and you had time for a wardrobe change?" I was more awed than annoyed.

He laughed, "I always keep an extra shirt stashed in my tool box. You never know when you might need a clean one."

"Guess not."

We drove the few minutes to the hospital in silence. I wasn't sure if that was because he didn't want to talk to me (who could blame him), or if he thought I was in too much pain to keep up a conversation. I was grateful for whichever reason he may have chosen to keep to himself.

We pulled up to the emergency room and he walked me inside. I insisted this time that he not carry me. He had called my mom on the way there to let her know what happened so she was waiting with a doctor in a room for me. They were immediately taking me upstairs for x-rays on account of the dizziness and vomiting. I don't know that it was completely from the head trauma though.

Two hours later I was wheeled back in to my room in the ER and the doctor started stitching up my cut. It only took five to close it, but the amount of blood would have made you think otherwise. My mom had been quiet the entire time I was there, and so had I. I didn't know what to say to her and I'm sure she felt the same. That's probably why she kept disappearing every so often.

She walked back in with the films from my x-rays and placed them on the board for the doctor to see.

"Hmm. I thought so. Looks like you've got a concussion, but no fractures."

"Fabulous. I've always wanted one of those." All of the stress and pain made my voice sound like I had been smoking for fifty years.

The doctor laughed. I had always tried to joke through pain, and this time was no different, only it seemed to make it worse, so I stopped.

" I'm going to have your mom give you something for the pain, and then you will be free to go."

"Thanks."

"Don't go to sleep for the next few hours. If the dizziness comes back or you get any blurred vision come right back okay?"

"Sure thing, I didn't have plans today anyway."

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the hard throbbing in my head, but it didn't work. I heard my mom come back in the room and I opened my eyes.

"What were you thinking?" I knew she was getting ready to leave again, so I had to get her attention.

"What?" Her innocence was completely fake.

"Were you never going to tell me that my ex-fiancé was living in your workshop?"

"Yes, I was going to tell you. I just hadn't had a chance yet. I knew you would have questions so I wanted to wait until I could answer them."

"What, last night at dinner wouldn't have worked?"

"Bella, stop worrying about it. What's done is done. What do you want to know?"

"Pain meds first, talk second."

She helped me sit up and gave me the pills. I took a sip of water and waited a second to make sure the pills weren't going to make a reappearance. My gag reflexes weren't the best at the moment.

"How long?" I knew she would understand what I meant without having to say it.

"A little less than two years, just after your father died."

"TWO YEARS!" I immediately regretted raising my voice and winced in pain. "You've been hiding this for two years?"

"I wouldn't say I was hiding it. We just never had a reason to talk about it until now."

"And I assume that Emmett knows."

"Of course. He does some work for your brother on occasion, it was his idea in the first place."

"Well this just keeps getting better and better."

"Oh hush. Nothing is different now than it was yesterday. Only thing is that now you know. You don't have any reason to go out there anymore so you won't have to see him again...after this afternoon." She tried to slide in the last part by speaking low and quiet, but not quiet enough.

"What?"

"Well I can't come home to watch you so he's gonna stay with you until I get off of work." She tried to turn around and busy herself with something so she wouldn't have to look at me when she dropped that bomb on me.

"Absolutely not! I will not let you make him come back down here and take me home just to watch me. Call Rose."

"Come back? Now, honey he never left. He's been sitting in that waiting room since you got here. Besides, I tried to call Rosalie, but she wasn't home. And before you ask, I already tried Emmett, but he's not answering his cell phone. He's probably still hauling that equipment wherever he was going."

Wasn't home? She said she was going to be there cleaning up this afternoon , and it was only just past one. Huh. Wonder where she ran off to? I would be sure to thank her later for disappearing.

More importantly I tried to focus on what unfathomable reason Edward would have for staying. Then it hit me. I knew why he was here. He never got any sort of closure from me and now I was going to be asked for it. He was probably trying to string together a list of names to call me when we were safely away.

"Mom, I can't let him baby sit me all afternoon. He... well, he has _company_." I left out the part about how that would probably end up being my worst nightmare, spending that much time with him. I cringed internally at the thought of having to sit through the berating I was sure to receive.

"Oh, a little red headed girl? Named Tanya?"

"Don't know, I didn't catch her name. Though I did catch her naked, in his bed, with him naked." The grimace that accompanied the statement caught her attention, but for the wrong reasons. This time it was the physical pain bothering me.

"My goodness, it has been a rough day for you, huh?"

"To say the least. I swear it's like everything that I never wanted to do is happening all in the same day. Can I go now?" I was suddenly anxious to get out of there, and to have whatever was coming behind me. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Yeah, the meds should kick in around twenty minutes from now. You can take some more in about six hours if you need it. I'll go get Edward."

I laid back against the bed and closed my eyes. I knew I probably shouldn't but I thought it would feel good. I realized how wrong I was when all I could see was the picture that would forever be burned in to my mind. Edward and that girl, looking at me in shock, without clothes on. I opened my eyes.

One minute later she was back, alone. "Did he decide to ditch me?" The thought wasn't displeasing and I was suddenly hopeful that it was true.

"No such luck for you missy. He's pulling the truck around front." She patted the seat of a wheelchair, "Now hop on in and let's get you home."

I sat down and let her push me to the exit. I knew better than to argue with her, plus I didn't think I had the energy. When we reached the doors I saw him standing there holding the truck door open. I avoided meeting his eyes as I pulled myself on to the seat. It's a good thing the curb was raised, otherwise I never would have made it on my own.

He got in on his side and then rolled my window down when he saw my mother gesturing to him. I threw her one last pleading glare, but if she noticed she didn't react.

"Edward, you know how she is. If you think she's lying about anything injury related just give me a call. I'll be home this evening."

He turned to look at me and I stared straight ahead. "Yep, just as hard headed as always, huh? I figured that little bump would have softened it up just a bit at least." His attempt at humor fell flat with me, but my mother chuckled.

I didn't respond. Partly because it was true, but mostly because I didn't know how to talk to him. He seemed completely unaffected by everything that had happened, and that was something I didn't know how to take.

"Okay then, away we go."


	5. Chapter 5 Failed Explanations

**Okay, so I had some more time to get another chapter ready. I might be able to get quite a bit up today. Hope everyone is enjoying so far. Also, since everyone should have seen the first four disclaimers by now, lets just consider those as a blanket for the rest of the story. **

**Failed Explanations**

The ride home was completely silent. I didn't know what to say or how to act so I ended up sitting there like a statue, afraid to make any sudden movements and unleash whatever he was storing up. When we got back to the house I hopped out of the truck before it was completely stopped and walked as quickly as I could to get inside. He was on his way back to the shop, and I had successfully dodged that bullet for the time being.

Or not.

Just as the door to the house was about to close he caught it and walked in behind me. I looked at him, wondering why he was doing this. He just smiled quickly and headed straight for the kitchen. I sat down on the sofa and turned the TV on again. I heard him digging through the refrigerator and I found myself wondering just how comfortable he felt in this house. Comfortable enough to rummage through our food. Comfortable enough to come in when he thought no one was home...

I leaned my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes and began rubbing my temples. I wasn't trying to sleep, just to wake up. This had to be a dream. Or a nightmare. I heard something being sat on the coffee table and peeked open my one good eye. There was a plate with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some barbecue potato chips, and a Sprite sitting directly in front of me. I couldn't believe he had remembered, let alone taken the time to make it. I immediately started wondering what he may have put in it. I know he must still hate me. That must be it, this is his angle. He's going to make me miserable by being nice to me. I deserve it.

He was looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something. I picked up the sandwich instead of meeting his gaze, and took a bite of that instead.

"Easy on the PB, heavy on the J, right?"

I could feel my face contorting in strange ways, trying to find the proper display of thanks, but I just couldn't figure out what that should be. Should I smile, frown, or just keep staring straight ahead? I finally gave in, I had to get this over with. "What are you doing?" My voice was almost inaudible.

"I'm watching you eat lunch."

"But why?" I was too confused to disguise the curiosity in my voice.

"Because I don't watch soap operas." He was trying to make jokes again and I realized that the TV had been tuned to one.

"You know what I mean." I still couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Look, I feel really bad about everything that happened this morning. I'm just trying to be nice."

"Don't worry about it. I'll be fine. You should go check on your girlfriend, I'm sure she's wondering where you are. Tell her I'm sorry for the interruption." I tried to grin, making jokes again, but it came out mangled.

"Oh, she was on her way out right after you stopped by."

"Work?"

"School."

This threw me for a second. I tried to clear my throat before I spoke again. "How old is she?"

He laughed. "She's 21."

"Oh?" I was desperate to find any subject other than the one that I knew was coming. It may have been four years since we had spoken, but I still knew him and what he would want from me.

He eyed me carefully like he was waiting for me to pass out again, but I felt fine. Maybe he was just wondering if I was coherent enough to be having this conversation with him.

"Yeah, so are you seeing anybody?"

This was the last thing that I wanted to get in to. This was headed nowhere good, but I wasn't sure where he was going with this line of questioning.

"Oh no, I don't date." The quickness of my answer must have surprised him because he didn't respond. He only looked at me curiously.

I pretended not to notice and shoved some chips in my mouth. I had to admit that the subject matter was decidedly awkward, but it was weird how easy it was to actually be in the same room with him. Especially given the mornings events. Apparently it wasn't too awkward for him.

"Huh. I figured you would still be dating that guy."

"What guy?" I finally turned to look at him as I tried to read his face and wondered what he was referring to.

"The one that you left me for."

And there it was. The big fat elephant in the room that I had worked so hard to avoid for years. The fact that I knew it was coming didn't make it any easier. It caught me off guard that he had come to it in such a circuitous route. He used to be so much more direct than that.

I nearly choked on the food in my mouth and started sputtering coughs. I grabbed the soda and started to drink, but the burn from the carbonation just made it worse. After a minute of nearly choking to death I finally caught my breath. When I looked up he was still staring at me waiting for an answer.

"This is why I never talked to you about it. I knew you would jump to the wrong conclusion." The assumption he had made, though understandable, had me on the defensive.

"You're telling me there wasn't someone else?" He eyed me with obvious disbelief.

"There wasn't anyone else. " I suddenly wished that he would believe me, and just let it go. I didn't want to do this to him again. Regardless of his motives, he was helping me right now and I was going to hurt him all over again.

"Then why?" He had turned his gaze to the floor and his voice was gruff.

"Does it matter? You won't believe me anyway. An explanation won't change the outcome." If my voice was quiet before, it was all but a whisper now.

"Humor me." It was odd that he would choose those words, because there was no humor for either of us in this moment.

I didn't want to do this now but, seeing as I didn't have a way out, I couldn't not answer him. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose. After a minute I sighed and looked up, but not at him. I focused on the TV.

"I don't know exactly why." I hurried to finish when I saw him start to say something. "Look, when I found out that my dad had cancer I just freaked out. I suddenly realized that I was 20, I was engaged to the only boyfriend I had ever had, and I didn't know what I wanted. I hadn't had time to make mistakes that young adults make. I wanted to experience college and everything that went with it. I knew I wasn't ready to get married so I broke up with you. End of story."

"You have got to be kidding me. You think I'm going to believe that? You expect me to believe that you walked out on what we had just because you thought you might not want to get married right then? We were going to wait until you graduated so don't give me that bullshit."

"No, I don't expect you to believe it. I didn't then and I don't now. That's why I never wanted to have this conversation. I'm sure you already hated me enough, I didn't want you to think I was a liar too."

If I hadn't been focusing so hard on where I was looking I could have tried a little harder to hide other things like my shaky hands, or those damn tears that kept showing up when I wasn't crying. I wiped at my face muttering to myself before I realized that he had gotten up and left the room.

I heard the faucet turn on in the kitchen. He came back with a glass of water and sat back down on the other end of the couch without looking at me.

"So then what was the point of completely cutting me out of your life?" The hurt and anger in his voice was unbearably disarming. I never wanted to do this to him. Why wouldn't he just let it go?

I turned and faced him. "Can you honestly tell me that if you knew why I broke up with you, that you wouldn't have tried to convince me to stay? That you wouldn't have chased me until I gave in and we got married?"

"I would have waited. I would have done that, for you."

"That's exactly why I had to do it. I didn't want you waiting for me! I had no clue where I was going with my life. I was depressed and scared and dead on the inside. I started questioning _everything_ about myself. I didn't know what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and I didn't trust myself. Had I made the right decision by agreeing to marry you? Would I regret never experiencing what it was like to be with someone else? Would you be happy with me later on or would you start questioning the same things? I just couldn't trust myself to not do something stupid. I didn't want to find myself depressed and drunk at a frat party doing something stupid just to make myself feel something again.

"You stayed here, Edward. You stayed home. You don't know what it was like for me to see everyone living the kind of life that most people our age do. I had to explain myself every single time I turned down an invitation to a party or to go out to a club. I had to listen to people ridicule me for being in a relationship that they all new was going to fail because we were too young and too inexperienced. All I heard were stories about peoples parents that had gotten married to their high school sweethearts just to end up divorced with kids caught in the middle.

"I loved you enough that I didn't want that for you, for us. I couldn't stand the thought of doing something like that to you. If I had cheated on you then I never would have been able to deal with the hurt that would have cause you."

"So that's it then? The real reason is that you wanted to feel free to whore yourself out all over campus? I wasn't enough to satisfy you, so you needed other men to do the job, is that it? How many were there Bella? How many guys did you have to fuck before you "found yourself"?

I couldn't believe that he had just hit me with that verbal slap. It brought me up short and my breathing caught for a moment. I knew I couldn't explain that it wasn't like that so I left him to his own devices. He was obviously only listening to the parts he wanted to hear anyway.

I was ready for this to end. I took a deep breath, and with no emotion what so ever, I gave what I hoped he would realize was my last statement on the subject.

"I did what I thought was best at the time. I know I was wrong. But it's done and I can't take it back."

He seemed to think about that for a minute. I didn't say anything else, because there wasn't anything else to say. I started flipping through the TV channels again. Neither one of us said anything for the rest of the afternoon. My mom came home around seven o'clock and brought dinner with her. Edward declined her invitation to stay, saying he had some catching up to do since he had spent the afternoon there. She thanked him as he walked out the door.

I knew what was about to happen, so before she could ask any questions I headed for the shower. I couldn't recount every syllable for her right now. I couldn't even think about it all. I locked the door and decided to take a bath instead. I filled the tub with the hottest water I could get and stayed there until I knew she had gone to bed. It wasn't long after that I realized I never did apologize to him.


	6. Chapter 6 Apologies

**Apologies**

In the morning I woke up groggy, and still hurting. I reached over to the bedside table and retrieved the bottle of water and ibuprofen that I had put there last night. I looked at the clock and realized that I had slept in despite the fact that I went to bed earlier than normal. I got up and started down the hallway towards the kitchen. I expected my mom to be there but all I found was a note on the refrigerator door, taped conspicuously just below the small dent that was now approximately five feet up on the door. Such a comedian.

Gone to church. I'll be back for lunch. Rose called.

I felt kind of bad for ignoring my mom last night. I just needed time to sort through it by myself before I even thought of mentioning it to her. The memory suddenly made me feel cooped up and I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a little while. I grabbed a granola bar and another bottle of water. I threw on a pair of gray yoga pants and an old tee shirt then thought about where I could go. I decided to walk down to the river that cut through the back half of the property, instead of going out in public looking like I got beat up by someone, so I picked up my gray hooded jacket and went out the back door.

It took me an while to reach it, but when I got there it was worth it. It was fall, so all of the leaves had turned, and some were falling in the breeze. I looked around wishing I had thought to bring a blanket. I settled for a seat on rock that jutted out in to the water. I was lost in the sounds of the river water splashing on the rock, so I didn't hear him come up behind me.

"Great minds think alike."

I started at the sound of his voice, nearly losing my already precarious balance, before he grabbed my arm to keep me from falling in to the water.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that."

"Well, I'd say you're getting pretty good at scaring me when you don't mean to. At least this time no one ended up in the hospital." I expected him to turn and go. I hoped he would.

"True. Mind if I sit?"

I looked at him in disbelief, "Do you want to?"

"Yeah. The way I see it, I've got some apologizing to do."

"For what?" This time I couldn't hide any bit of the shock that ran through me.

"For the black eye, the concussion, the close call with the river just now... and the way I acted yesterday. I did a lot of thinking last night, and I want to believe that you didn't cheat on me. You never gave me any actual reason to think that you did, so..." He bowed his head after that last statement looking almost ashamed.

"Um, excuse me, but did you hit your own head this morning? The only one of us here that needs to apologize for anything is me. I should have done it the right way yesterday. " I took a deep breath and, with the most sincerity I had in me I told him, "I'm truly, truly sorry for what I did."

"I know you are. And I'm sorry I didn't believe you. About there being another guy I mean, and about the whore comment. Even if you slept with every guy you knew, I know you aren't the kind of girl that would do it for no reason."

He sat down on the rock next to mine and stared in to the water. I couldn't even let myself believe that he was being serious. We'd had one pseudo-discussion about it, there wasn't any way that he had forgiven me.

I did honestly want to be able to salvage something of the friendship we had once shared, so I was completely honest with him.

"You know, there never was any one else when I broke up with you. I thought about it, but never followed through. I couldn't trust that it wouldn't eventually happen, so instead of doing something stupid and cheating on you... well, you know what happened."

"I spent a lot of time hating you for what I thought you did. I had convinced myself that you were an awful person so I could just go on hating you, and I can see that I was wrong for that."

"No, you weren't. I _was_ an awful person when I did that. You had every right to hate me, and I'm glad you did. To be honest I didn't even really like myself back then. I took something beautiful and made it in to something ugly. What we shared was something special, Edward. I know that now. What I did completely disrespected that, and I will always regret it." I had always known that he loved me more than I ever deserved. I also knew that if it broke my heart to do what I did, then it must have ripped his completely out.

He turned so he could see me from the corner of his eye and grinned. "I did have a right to hate you didn't I?"

My nerves caused me to laugh at the look on his face, half sorry, half smug.

"Bella, whether or not you knew it, I would have understood. I was scared shitless about growing up. I would have understood."

"It's easy to say that now, but you don't know what you would have done back then."

"Neither do you. You took that choice away from me. Maybe I would have been okay with us seeing other people for a while, maybe not. I just know that you weren't the only one questioning whether or not we were doing the right thing. I was just trying to get through it with you by my side. I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could share that with me."

"Me too. I would go back and change it if I could, but I can't."

"I'm not so sure I would want you to. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I've grown up a lot since then. I've changed, and I can tell that you have too. I've been pretty happy with my life, so I can't say that I'm not a tiny bit okay with what happened since it got me to where I am now."

"So, what, are you following me now? Trying to make me pay for it by being nice to me and making me feel worse?"

"Nope, I was already here, about a hundred feet down that way when I saw you come through the trees."

I could see that he was deliberating over what to say next. A few times he started to speak, but then thought better of it. About five minutes had gone by when he finally decided what to say.

"So, now that the apologies are all out of the way, what do we do?"

"For starters you can promise to stop trying to kill me."

He laughed louder than I thought was appropriate, it wasn't that funny, maybe he was nervous too. It made me want to join in and so I did. I was almost drunk on the relief that the sound gave me. When we both quieted down it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I realized that I had been worried he would always be like that, mad at me. It was nice to see a hint of understanding from him. It was nicer to feel a hint of forgiveness for myself, knowing that I hadn't completely broken him.

"I forgot how funny you are." He wiped a fake tear away from his left eye.

"It would be funny, if it wasn't true. I swear I think you were subconsciously trying to cause me physical pain."

"Who said it was subconscious?" His tone was abruptly too serious for me to know if he was joking.

I looked at him , honestly panicked. Maybe I had been wrong. Just when I thought I was about to salvage something, maybe I was actually about to make it worse. I didn't have to wait long to find out.

"You looked... liked you were... about to puke...AGAIN!" He heaved the words out between spasms of laughter.

"Well, obviously, I forgot what a good liar you are." I couldn't help but to laugh with him again.

He turned is head and waited until I looked at him. "It's good to see you again, I didn't think it would be, but it is."

"Yeah, I'm pretty charming like that." I wanted him to know that I felt the same way so I continued, "I know exactly what you mean. Now. Yesterday wasn't very pleasant though." I couldn't keep the grimace off of my face for long.

"How long have we known each other, now?" I grinned, thankful for the subject change.

"Well, we met in the fourth grade, so that would be about fifteen years. Yup, fifteen years ago I beat you in to submission."

He chuckled, "I think _kicked_ is more like it. What kind of sadistic ten year old thinks it's fun to kick little boys where the sun doesn't shine?"

"This kind of ten year old girl." I laughed at the memory of him hiding behind the slide trying to get away from me. Too bad for him he had broken the heart of my then best friend, and I was not giving up until I caught him.

From then on we would see each other from time to time. As we got older I got nicer, and I stopped beating up little boys. In middle school, the same year I met Rose, we had a class together and after a few weeks he got the courage to ask me to be his girlfriend. That lasted three days, but we stayed friends.

That was the last year we saw each other at school for a while. I called him once every summer to talk to him and see how he was doing. Those were always good conversations. We were just friends, nothing more, nothing less, just friends. Then we were 16, puberty had hit, and we decided to give it another go. That "go" lasted four years. And up until the last few weeks we were together, I would have sworn it would last forever.

We were engaged at 19, and broken up at 20. I still wasn't exactly sure what happened. Maybe I never would be. The knowledge that my dad had terminal cancer scared the hell out of me. I started taking stock of my life, and thought that I was going about it all wrong. I hated knowing that I had hurt the person that had known me longer and better than my very best friend.

His voice pulled me from my reverie, "So, what are you doing down here?"

"Honestly?"

He nodded his head for me to continue.

"After you left last night I didn't say anything to my mom and I know she was dying to find out what happened. This morning she was gone before I got up, and I just kind of felt bad for ignoring her like that. Anyway, with all of that on top of all of this," I gestured back and forth between us, "I needed to come here and clear my head."

"You wanted to clear your head about what went on between us, and you came here?"

I started blushing before he finished the sentence. We had spent a lot of time here together the summer before I went off to college... a LOT. We never did anywhere near this much talking here before this though...

"Yes, despite what your perpetually gutter destined mind is wandering to right now, this place has a lot of happy, non sex related, memories for me and I just feel more at ease here. It sounds stupid," I hesitated feeling a little bit vulnerable, "but I can picture taking everything that I am having problems with and throwing it in the river. Everything just disappears with the water. It helps."

He didn't say anything, and neither did I. It was silent other than the water and the birds. We sat like that for another twenty minutes. This was all feeling too surreal. I had thought that I would never get to explain anything, and here we were, kind of talking like friends again.

Finally I got up the courage to ask him, "So what's this Tanya like? Aside from being obviously easy to bed down?"

He looked at me and rolled his eyes, "Not funny."

"No? Not even just a little bit? Don't forget, I know what goes on between you two." I laughed trying to lighten the moment.

He ignored my last question, and opted to answer the first instead. "She's great. She's nice, and she's smart. She's good to me."

"That's great, I'm glad you found someone that makes you happy. So, are you taking this one all the way?

"I don't know, it's only been three months. Besides, the last time I proposed to a girl the bitch broke up with me." He laughed at my insulted expression. "I know, I know. No name calling."

That had always been one of our rules when we were together. He couldn't call me names and I couldn't call him names. We also weren't allowed to drop the F bomb on each other. We were young, but we both realized how important is was just to respect one another. Cussing and name calling just took arguments to levels they didn't need to get to. We had had a near perfect relationship, and I threw it away chasing some life experience that everyone told me I needed to have. I think that was part of the reason I still didn't want to date anyone. What if I did it again? What if my thing is just to ruin good men? Maybe I was just better off, and the world of men was safer, if I stayed alone.

"So how many times did you bring her down here?" I grinned at him and he just shook his head.

"Never."

"Liar. I know your bag of tricks doesn't go too deep. This place is probably the only thing in your repertoire." I trilled a nervous laugh.

I really didn't want the answers to these questions, but I asked anyway. It's like when you drive by a car wreck, you know that you might see something horrible, but you can't look away. If this conversation were a car wreck, I was turning around and coming back for more.

He wouldn't answer me or look at me, so I guessed I must have pushed a little too far. I didn't want to go back down that road so I shifted course.

"How long is she gone for?"

"Few months."

"What ever will you do for that long without getting any?" WHY DID I KEEP DOING THAT?

"Careful woman, we're not that okay with each other yet." He chuckled and held up his hands in a defensive position.

Yet. We're not that okay, _yet_. Maybe with time, we could be, and I was hopeful.

"Good, it helps to know the boundaries. So. As long as I don't ask about, or make fun of, your _habits_, and you don't make fun or ask about my lack of _habits_, can we try to be friends? I mean it would make it a lot easier on my mom."

"Sounds about right."

"In that case, yesterday morning never happened." I held my hand out for him to take.

"Good enough for me." He took my hand in his and we shook on it. I tried not to notice how his hands still had that same roughness and strength in them. The kind that comes from a lot of hard work.

"That brings me to my next question. What exactly drove you to move in with MY mother?"

"Well, a few months after your dad died I ran in to her at the grocery store one day and we got to talking. She was lonely and I was looking for a place to stay. I was already doing some work for your brother so, it just worked out. Woman's just as stubborn as you, won't let me pay her any rent."

"I'm sure. She always likes to do that kind of stuff for people." I shifted my sitting position to get some blood flowing to my legs. "How often do you come in the house? I'm just asking because I need to know what times of the day I need to hide or wear a helmet." He fought the smile that was playing at his lips.

"Well, up until yesterday I would eat dinner with her most nights. During the day she would leave the door unlocked in case I need to get a drink or something to eat."

"I guess I owe you a thanks. It's nice to know she's had someone to nag when I wasn't here."

"Your mom is a saint and you know it. I won't tolerate any bad mouthing her."

"Please, forgive me. I forgot myself for a moment." I paused then looked back at him, "Thanks for helping me yesterday, too. I wouldn't have blamed you if had ran out and never looked back."

He laughed again. It was starting to get a little chilly, which was odd because the sun was still getting higher in the sky. I shivered and hunkered down in my hoodie just a little bit. I noticed him shrugging out of his jacket and sliding it towards me on the rock. I picked it up and slipped it around my shoulders. I had forgotten how good he smelled, and what a gentleman he could be.

"So, how on earth have I not known for two years that you were living here? Where did you go when I visited?"

"Your mom usually gave me a heads up and I would make myself pretty scarce."

"Well, at least you were warned. I had no idea until..." I let the sentence trail off because I didn't want to offend him again. "Guess we know who her favorite is."

"Would you still have come home if you knew?"

I couldn't answer that question without him taking it as an insult so I opted to say nothing at all. He wouldn't understand that it would have been a selfish way for me to avoid everything, and absolutely nothing against him.

"Front's coming in now. " Just then, the wind picked up and scattered more leaves to the ground.

"I should probably head back to the house. I need to apologize to my mom for last night, so I think I'm going to make her some dinner. You're welcome to join us if you'd like. Don't break tradition just because of little old me."

"We'll see."

We both rose and I handed him his jacket. We walked back towards the house in a companionable silence. We would occasionally make small comments on the weather, but aside from that it was a nice, quiet trip back. I left him just outside the shop (he'd led me back a much shorter way) and continued on to the house.

This was the first day in a long time I wasn't worrying about how things would turn out. Right now things were good for him, and that was great, because that's all I ever really wanted.


	7. Chapter 7 Dinner, Drinks, and Kitchen Ca

**Dinner, Drinks, and Kitchen Cabinets**

I busied myself the rest of the day with deciding what to cook. My mom had called and said she had some errands to run, so she would be late. I apologized to her and gave her a quick synopsis of everything that had happened yesterday and this morning.

"Well, I'm glad that you two got that straightened out. I was beginning to worry that I was going have to hide from you for the next few weeks."

"You still should. By the way, I'm cooking dinner so don't be too late."

"I'll be back when I can." Her voice sounded unsure and she continued, "Don't be surprised if he shows up at the house tonight, I usually have him up for dinner."

"I know, he told me that. Don't worry, I told him it was fine with me if he still came."

"Alright, well I've gotta run. I'll see you later."

"Love you, mom."

"Me too sweetheart, me too."

Later I tried to call Rose, but it went straight to voicemail, and I didn't leave a message. I placed the phone back on the receiver and pulled a pan out of the cabinet so I could get started. I had decided to make Stromboli and grabbed the now defrosted bread roll that I had laid out earlier. At least living away from home for a couple of years had forced me to learn how to cook a decent meal. After layering all the ingredients I placed my creation in to the oven and went to grab a shower.

I pulled the bandage off of my forehead and examined the bruising. It was going to scar, but that didn't bother me. Scars made for good stories, and this one was a doozy. I decided not to bandage it back up after the shower so that the wound could breathe.

I dressed in the old orange cheerleading shorts that I had stolen from Rose several years ago, and a stained white cotton tank top for the time being. I was sure that Edward would pass on dinner, so there was no reason to get dressed up. I pulled up short at that thought. Even if he was going to show up, why would I feel it appropriate to dress nicely?

I grabbed a brush and ran it through my still wet hair trying to dislodge the uneasiness I suddenly felt. I wanted to distract myself from analyzing what that meant, so I headed back in to the kitchen. After all, avoiding emotions is what I do best.

I picked up the phone and called Rose again, and this time she picked up. I dished a few more details than what I had given my mother. She was very apologetic that she couldn't be there for me at the hospital, but I assured it her that it was okay. It may have even worked out for the best. We kept our talk short because she had a friend coming by, but avoided telling me who. I laughed and told her that I knew she was hiding something, but let it go at that.

The Stromboli still had about ten minutes to go so I grabbed some pots to boil water in for the corn on the cob and green beans that would be the side dishes. I concentrated on one thing at a time so that my thoughts wouldn't wander again.

When the timer went off I pulled the Stromboli from the oven, and heard the back door open and shut.

"Perfect timing!" I called. "I guess you could just feel me willing you to come now and witness me at the peak of my culinary glory." I placed the pan on the counter and grabbed a knife to start cutting slices. "You really should come in here and witness the perfection that I am. I must admit that I am quite awe inspiring when wielding sharp objects and baking."

I looked up expecting my mother to come in at any moment, but it was Edward leaning against the kitchen entryway grinning like the Cheshire cat. I looked down at the floor and waited for a hole to appear and drop me through it. My face and chest grew hot with embarrassment. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. I was standing here looking like a wannabe Hooters waitress.

"Sorry, I thought you were my mom. I really didn't think you would be coming." I cursed myself again internally for looking like this. The short shorts and tank top suddenly left me feeling overly exposed.

He chuckled and came over to the stove where he began stirring. "So she's not back yet, huh?"

"No."

He shook his head but, didn't say anything else. I excused myself and went to put on something a little less showy.

My mom never showed up. That would probably explain why Edward was hesitant to tell me that she had called and asked him to bring her a bottle of wine to go with dinner. Just when I thought that it was odd he was drinking wine he produced a six pack of beer. I knew where my mom was trying to get this going. I loved her, but I sure didn't like her right now.

I had suggested that we sit out on the patio and sit near the fire pit that never gets used to keep the chill off of us. It was either that or sitting staring at, or right beside, one another at the dining room table. My mother had taken the extension out so it only had four seats. The patio table was at least round with six chairs. Perfect for keeping distance but not facing each other straight on.

Once we finished dinner I poured myself a glass of wine and he continued drinking his beer. I'm sure that my mom wouldn't mind me having some. That is, after all, what she intended. We both turned and sat facing the fire.

"Nice night." The dinner conversation had been VERY light and he seemed to want to change that.

I didn't mind his attempt, a little liquid courage could always make me a better conversationalist.

"Sure is. I missed this, living in the city. I never seemed to be still long enough to enjoy anything."

"It's nice here. Very quiet at night."

The silence that followed seemed to put an exclamation point on his statement. I slid forward in my chair and laid my head back with my eyes closed. I heard him move and looked to see what he was doing. I watched him come and take the chair beside me. I wondered why, there wasn't anything wrong with his seat.

I turned my face forward and stared straight ahead. I didn't know what he was doing, but it was making me uncomfortable. I didn't want him to see me agitated by his proximity so I laid my head back and shut my eyes again. That's when I felt it. The lightest of touches, tracing the cut above my eye. There was some pain, but more than that there was a warmth that followed the trail of his fingers.

"I am really more sorry for that than you know." His voice sounded too tender.

My breath had caught in my throat and I couldn't swallow to speak. It only made it worse when he ran his fingers through the length of my hair that hung over the back of the chair. As soon as it was out I leaned forward in my chair. How could he not know I didn't want him to do that?

"Your hair is wavy?"

"Uh, yeah. A few years back it started growing out that way. I had always wanted curly hair, but now I wish it was just straight again because blow drying it that way takes forever. I have to use special shampoos and hair products now that I didn't have to use before. It's more trouble than it's worth." The words came out in a quick stream and it was obvious that I was nervous.

"It's beautiful." There was that tender crap again. I couldn't do it. I needed to get away.

I stood up and started gathering the plates from the table. I headed inside and started running water in the sink so I could wash the dishes. I could feel him watching me through the solid glass back door. After a minute he came inside.

"I always help your mom wash dishes and it wouldn't be right to make you do it now since you cooked."

Without looking at him I took my hands out of the soapy water and turned to start getting the leftovers put up. I made a plate for my mom on the VERY off chance that she _had _been held up somewhere. I heard a cabinet open just to my left and automatically turned to the sound. Pain shot down the side of my face and across the top of my head.

"Oh Jesus! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that!"

I stumbled sideways trying to get away from any other objects that might be waiting to make an impact. I automatically put my hand up to the cut and felt the blood start oozing out. I hadn't taken any medicine that day so the throbbing spiked with an intensity that made my knees weak enough that I sat in the floor.

"Are you okay?" He sounded like a kid that was about to get in trouble.

I needed a second, so I laid the rest of the way down. I was squeezing my eyes shut trying to wait for the pain to ease.

I could feel him pick me up and then he sat me on the island counter. I was in too much pain to fight him. I heard the water start and felt him tug at the hand that covered my eye.

"Let me see it. I might've busted your stitches." He had positioned himself between my knees and turned my face up to the light so he could see. I was so overwhelmed by the closeness that I held my breath. I hadn't had anyone this close in years and it was taking a toll on me now. I scooted as far back as possible.

"No, they didn't break, but there's some blood. Not much so, I'll go get a band-aid, where are they?"

"Uh, bathroom, top right drawer." I made myself respond, though it sounded breathless. Luckily he would just chalk it up to the pain. Once he was out of the room I slid off the counter and sat on a stool. I couldn't take it being that close to him again. I used the opportunity to catch my breath while I was alone. I could hear him making his way back towards the kitchen.

"Here, let me. " He tilted my head up and placed the band aid over my cut. The bleeding had pretty much stopped just as fast as it started. I thought he was finished, but he wiped a warm rag over the places that the blood had dripped on to my cheek. I opened my eyes, planning on taking the rag from him and doing the job myself.

His face was so close that I couldn't help but notice how easy it would have been to just tilt my face up a few degrees and reach his lips. I immediately felt ashamed. He had a girlfriend and I was poison for him. I shouldn't be having these feelings and he wasn't intentionally causing them. Being close was just old hat for us. I was sure he had fallen in to an old routine too and just didn't notice it.

He must have felt my distraction because he took a big step back. Without another word he walked back to the sink and started washing the dishes again. I went back to my room and found my bottle of ibuprofen and the glass of water beside my bed. I needed to be away from him for a minute to get myself together. I decided that I needed to act as normal as possible so that he wouldn't be completely disgusted by my flighty actions. Plus I know he felt bad about what happened, I could hear it in his voice.

I was leaning on the hope that he didn't notice what was going through my mind. If he knew that I was thinking about kisses and closeness he would bolt. He had done so much for my mom, and I didn't want to upset her by chasing him off.

I walked back in to the kitchen with my chin up and as genuine a smile as I could manage.

"I know I made you promise to stop trying to kill me, but I should have included all forms of physical abuse as well." I chuckled to ease any tensions he may have been holding on to.

"I really didn't mean to do that. I was trying to put away the dry dishes that were left in the drainer so I could have room." He sounded ashamed, and he shouldn't have. It wasn't his fault that my mother's house had some weird vendetta against me.

"I know. I'm just teasing." I could tell that he wasn't up for it and I didn't know what to say. Luckily he did.

"I hope so. I would really like it if we could be friends again. I've missed having you around to talk to, and I didn't realize how much until after this morning at the river. I know things didn't work out for us, but we used to be pretty good buddies. I would like that."

"I would really like that, too. "

We smiled at each other and I watched as lights from the driveway danced across his face. It was the first time I had really looked at him since I'd been back. His face had matured, and he had a shorter hair cut, which only enhanced his handsomeness. He was always boyishly cute, but this was different. He was a man now and fully looked the part. When his attention was pulled to the window I took stock of all six feet of him. He had put on some weight, but in a good way. He was no longer that skinny guy, but well formed lean muscle still made him appear just this side of thin.

I jumped at a sound and my observations were cut short at the sound of my mom coming in.

"I am so sorry honey, I didn't know that I was going to be that long. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble..."

Her sentence trailed off as she entered the kitchen and saw Edward still there.

"Oh, well, I wasn't expecting you to be here, Edward. I hope Bella didn't make you eat sandwiches."

"Yes you were Esme, and no, she didn't. She cooked a very nice dinner. I brought that wine you wanted." He cocked his eyebrow at my mom and almost dared her to deny what he was insinuating.

She went straight to the counter where her plate was sitting. She poured herself a glass of wine and eyed my face. No doubt she could see the heat in my cheeks. I prayed that she wouldn't bring it up. I met her eyes and she was grinning, so I gave her a quick shake of my head and hoped that she would take the hint. The tension in the room had grown, or at least mine had.

"Well, the dishes are all washed. I should be heading back out now. Got a early morning coming."

"Oh, don't rush out on account of me, Edward. I can go eat at the table if you kids wan to talk or something."

I rolled my eyes and turned my back to her. At the same time he just nodded his head and said, "Goodnight Esme."

He left and I heard the door shut when he was gone. I didn't have any chance of doing this calmly, and I don't know that she didn't deserve it. I whirled around ready to lay in to her, but she beat me to it.

"Shoot, I meant to give Edward his mail. Bella would you be a dear and take it to him?"

I couldn't stop myself from getting angry, "GIVE IT A REST!"

She tried to look at me as if she had no clue what I was talking about, "What do you mean?"

"Oh PLEASE. Don't even try to pull that crap with me. You know what. You have been doing everything you can to push us together since I found out he was here. You knew you weren't coming home, and you called him to make sure he would show up. How awful do you want to make me feel?"

"Awful? I thought you two had worked things out and were trying to be friends, Bella. I wasn't trying to do anything. I was planning on being here for dinner, but I ran in to an old friend and we had coffee."

"You can't lie your way out of this one. I know what you are doing and I want you to stop. Do you want him to get hurt again? Cause that's what will happen. I will find some way to make him miserable again, and I don't want to do that to him. He has a girlfriend and he is happy. LEAVE. IT. ALONE."

I turned and walked out of the room because I didn't want to say anything else. I was one wrong word away from all out screaming at her and I didn't want to do that. It would just add to the wrenching guilt I already had building up inside me. If I really wanted to look at it I would realize that I was angry at myself, but I wasn't sure for what. Since I didn't really want to look at it though, I decided to keep on blaming her.

I had to stop this. I couldn't let me do this to myself. I would be friends with him, but that's it, no more being alone with him. I could think up enough excuses for that to not happen again. I would have to tell Emmett I couldn't help him with work on the off chance that Edward would be there. It's not like I had to have a job right now anyway.

It was only eight o'clock, but I was suddenly exhausted. I turned the light off and climbed under my covers. I stared out through the window at the foot of my bed and noticed a light through the trees. The light turned off and I realized that it came from the exact spot the shop would be in.


	8. Chapter 8 Benefits and Front Porch Kisse

**Benefits and Front Porch Kisses**

Two weeks had gone by and things were relatively normal. Edward was still coming for dinner, but my mom was always there now. Some nights he would stay after and we would sit on the couch watching TV or playing cards. I always made my mom sit with us and included her in everything we did. It was working out well.

We had managed to stay friendly and I was able to avoid any odd stirrings of physical reactions to him. It must have been something like having post traumatic stress disorder. Everything happened so fast that my mind hadn't had time to catch up with what was happening and it had put my body in a time warp. Things were much easier now.

My mom had just gotten home from work and was in the kitchen cooking as usual. I had been lounging around the house all day and was ready for some company.

"I'm so glad you are finally home. I was so bored."

"Well, Edward was right outside, you could have gone to see him."

"Enough, mom. Things are normal right now."

She turned back to the stove and didn't say anything else. I really needed to get her off of this whole thing. She wasn't going to let up until something changed, but I didn't know what. He had a girlfriend and I wasn't interested anyway.

We didn't say much after that. She cooked and I picked at the food before it was ready. I got the dishes out and set the table just to have something to do. I saw Edward coming up to the door so I smiled and waved. He wouldn't make it in before I got back, so I skipped in to the kitchen to make sure she wasn't gonna try anything funny tonight.

"He's about to come in, behave yourself."

She huffed a sigh and rolled her eyes just before I heard him open the door. He came strolling in and took his usual spot, leaning against the entryway.

"Dinner's gonna be few more minutes if you kids want to find something to do."

Edward made his way across the kitchen to the junk drawer and pulled out a deck of cards.

"You wanna try your hand at some Texas Hold'em?"

"You might lie better than me, but you can't bluff. Deal."

We played a few hands and I was winning. I decided to be nice rather than to rub it in his face. Mom was being very good compared to normal, so I should have know she had something up her sleeve.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you guys, a doctor friend of mine has invited me to a formal charity benefit that the hospital in Port Angeles and gave me four extra tickets. Emmett is coming and since he doesn't have a date I figured you two and Rosalie could come."

"Mom, you know I don't own anything nice enough to attend a formal hospital charity benefit."

"Well you don't have anything else to do, maybe you could, oh I don't know, go buy something."

"If you're paying, I'll buy anything you want me to."

"Well, it's this Saturday night, so you better find something fast.

I saw Edwards head snap up. He hadn't seemed to be paying any attention at first, but he must have caught on at the end of the conversation.

"I have two problems. First, I don't have anything to wear either, second, Tanya's supposed to be coming home this weekend so I can't go anyway." I couldn't tell if he looked relieved or disappointed.

"You know what, he tried to give me five tickets, but I didn't think I'd need the extra, so I could get another one if you'd like. I know for a fact you have a black suit, I've seen you wear it. "

Edward just shook his head. He knew he was beat because once my mom had something in her head she wouldn't let it go. He looked up at me and mouthed 'sorry'. He felt bad for me. He actually pitied me for having to sit with him and his little girlfriend. Well, I wasn't about to let that happen.

"Mom, do you think you could get one more?" I didn't turn to look at her, and I didn't look at Edward either, I just studied the cards in my hand.

"Well, I suppose I could. Why?"

"I've been out of the dating pool long enough, and I think I might know someone that would come with me." I couldn't see her reaction, but I bet it was priceless.

"Honey I can't ask on a 'maybe'."

"Okay." I got up from the stool and marched back to my room. I still had that napkin with Jacobs number on it. I hadn't planned on using it, but he seemed like he would be fun to hang out with. I had to search, but found it stuffed in the drawer on my nightstand.

I headed back in to the kitchen, picked up the phone, and started dialing.

"What are you doing?" I could hear the shock in her voice, she knew what I was doing.

"Getting a date." I waited and he picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jacob, this is Bella, the damsel in distress from the bar in Port Angeles." I smiled as I said it, hoping the gesture would carry over in my voice.

"Yeah, yeah. I thought you'd forgotten about me."

"Well, I wanted to wait until I got that job at the fishing store like you suggested." I chuckled and heard him laughing on the other end of the line. "Look my mom works at the hospital here and invited me to a formal charity benefit in Port Angeles. If you own a suit, and don't have plans this Saturday, I was wondering if you would be my date?"

"Absolutely. I would love to. What time, and do I need to pick you up or meet you there?"

"I'm not sure on the details yet, I'm getting ready to have dinner, but I can call you back later and let you know everything, if that's okay."

"Sure, I'll be waiting. Bye."

"Bye." I hung up the phone and turned around.

My mom's face was frozen in shock. Apparently this is not what she was hoping for. Too bad. I was getting sick of the games, and maybe if she saw me go on a date with someone else that would get her to stop.

"There, we need another ticket." I sat back down at the stool and picked up my cards. "Did you look at my cards?"

Edward looked up at me, but didn't say anything, just shook his head.

It was Saturday. Rose and I had gone shopping that morning to buy dresses since I didn't have one and she loved any excuse to buy new clothes. I was glad for the distraction, because in my haste to keep Edward from feeling sorry for lonely ol' me, and to keep my mom off my back, I forgot that this was going to be my first date in two years. I was nervous to say the least.

Jacob was coming to pick me up so I didn't have to stay all night with my mom, and Emmett had volunteered to let Rose ride with him. Edward and Tanya were meeting us there.

I had just put the finishing touches on my outfit when my mom came knocking on my door.

"You look great. I like your dress."

"Are you sure? I wasn't sure if it was appropriate." I had purchased a strapless dark green satin-y dress, with a fitted bodice, a black satin band around the waist, and a short, bubble skirt. I had found an amazing pair of black peep-toe shoes with a four inch heel to wear with it. It made my typically short legs look kind of long. I had decided to curl my hair and pull half of it up, so that my shoulders and back wouldn't be completely bare if I got cold.

"It's fine, honey. I'm sure someone's going have a hard time taking his eyes off of you tonight."

"Speaking of which, Jacob will be here any minute so please, please be nice." I was actually worried about this, so I was really begging.

"Who said anything about Jacob?"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. Don't do that kind of stuff tonight. I don't want you getting Tanya upset over nothing. Don't be rude and make remarks like that in front of our dates."

"I was kidding around. You know I wouldn't do that." Normally she would have been right, but with the way she'd been behaving lately I wasn't sure.

I heard a knock at the front door. It had to be Jacob. I turned and grabbed my little black clutch and wrap and headed down the hallway with my mom hot on my heels. I reached for the door knob and paused to take a deep breath. Once I thought I was as ready as I was going to get I opened the door.

"Hey, Jacob. I'm glad you could make it on such short notice. You're a lifesaver." I put the most genuine smile on my face that I could muster due to the nerves.

"Well, that's what I do, save pretty ladies. And, might I add, you look stunning in that dress."

"Thank you." I stepped aside and let him in.

"What happened to your head?" My stitches were gone, but there was still some scabbing, that I tried to cover with makeup.

"Long story." My mom had been standing behind me so I introduced her. "Jacob this is my mother, Esme."

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Swan. You have a beautiful home, and a beautiful daughter." I was surprised. I didn't know he would have such good manners.

"Thank you, Jacob. It's nice to meet you too. We'd better get going so we won't be late."

"Jacob, my mom is driving herself since she volunteered to help with the clean up afterwards, so we can just follow her if that's okay."

"Sure, sounds great."

We all headed out the door, and when we reached the driveway I noticed a very sleek looking black car. It wasn't what I was expecting at all.

"I thought you said your dad was a farmer, I didn't know you meant he grew marijuana."

He laughed, "He's runs a very successful horse ranch, don't worry. You'd be surprised how many tourists visit the reservation. They all love to take horseback tours, and my dad has the only horses around. My mom is an expert at breeding and has made a pretty penny selling colts. This is her baby. I didn't think that driving my dirty old truck would be suitable. It's better to take a hot girl for a date in a hot car." His eyes lingered on my dress for a second too long, and I was blushing.

He opened the car door for me and held my hand as I lowered myself on to the soft leather seat. He closed the door and made his way around. My mom was staring at us and I just gave her a wide eyed grin. This was better than I could have hope for.

Once he was in we pulled out on to the highway and followed my mom to the hotel where they were hosting the benefit. It was a big thing the hospital did every year in partnership with the hospital in Seattle to raise money for pediatric cancer research. There were hundreds of drawings decorating the interior of the hotel lobby that had been provided by some of the hospitals patients. We stopped to admire a few of them and then followed my mom in to the ballroom.

She led us to a table just off the center of the floor. Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward were already there, but I didn't see Tanya. We walked up to the table and before I could even reach it Jacob had pulled my chair out for me.

"Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"Um, Jacob, this is my brother, Emmett, and you remember my best friend, Rosalie."

"Sure. It's good to see you again." He shook both of their hands.

"And this is my friend Edward, and I am assuming that empty chair belongs to his imaginary girlfriend, Tanya."

"Ha ha. She's here. Her parents know people that work for the hospital so she is off talking to some of her friends at the moment."

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Jacob." He shook Edwards hand and then sat beside me. The tables were small, and only had six people at each, which meant that my mom wasn't going to be sitting with us. I turned to ask where she would be, but she had already walked off.

Rose and I made a little chit chat, and Emmett and Edward were nice enough to include Jacob in their conversation. It seemed like it was going to be a good night. Suddenly, Jacob stood up and pushed his chair in.

"I think I'm gonna go grab a drink. Would you like something from the bar?"

"Sure, I'll take a glass of whatever red wine they have."

"Would anyone else like something?"

They all decided they wanted something to drink , and Jacob couldn't carry it all by himself so Emmett offered to help. Rosalie excused herself to the restroom, so it was just me and Edward at the table.

"So, how's Tanya?"

"She's good. We probably won't see much of her tonight. She tends to disappear when her friends are nearby. "

"Oh. I'm sure she'll be back sometime. You look nice." He was wearing a black suit with a dark blue shirt, and black tie. It really made his skin look smooth, in a nice way, against his dark hair.

"Thanks. You really look amazing in that dress."

"Oh please, no one is around. You don't have to try and be nice when we're alone."

"I'm not trying to be nice, I'm serious. You look absolutely beautiful. I see you still can't take a compliment though."

"Not from you. I don't know why, but for some reason I don't think that will ever change." I grinned at him, and he laughed.

"All joking aside, Bella, you really have come in to your own. I didn't even recognize you when you first came in. I have to admit I was a little embarrassed to find out I was totally checking out my ex-fiancée without knowing it."

His voice had taken on that weird tender sound again and I had to look down at my hands.

"Thanks. Where are those drinks?" I started to look around, but before I could get too far Jacob and Emmett showed back up.

"A wine for the beautiful lady. "

"Thank you. Wow, your mom did a great job raising you." I smiled and lifted my glass to him.

"I'll be sure to let her know you said so." He clinked his glass against mine.

We sat and talked for a few minutes while everyone was arriving. We joked a lot, and I laughed more than I had in a long time. I was surprised to realize that I was actually enjoying myself.

A man walked up to the podium and cleared his throat. Everyone quieted down to listen, and just as he began to speak, Tanya made her way to the table. Since I couldn't speak I smiled and gave a nod of my head. Edward leaned over and whispered in her ear, and she started turning red. I laughed. He was probably reminding her of our first encounter, though she wouldn't have recognized me from that.

Jacob looked at me and gathered his brow in curiosity, but I just shook my head at him. He smiled a half smile, and then placed his hand on my knee. I could feel myself blushing again, so I tried to hide it by propping my elbows on the table and leaning forward to place my hands on my cheeks. He kept it there for the entire speech.

When the man was done speaking the room started buzzing with conversation, but it was mixed with soft music this time.

Before I could formally introduce myself to Tanya, Jacob stood up and held out his hand. "Would you care to dance with me?"

"I would love to." I took his hand and he started to lead me on to the dance floor. "I do have to warn you though, I tend to lead."

He looked back at me "Good thing you're a road map."

"What?"

"You've got tons of curves and I could follow you anywhere."

I started laughing at the top of my lungs, and caught the attention of a few people around the room. We stepped on to the dance floor and he somehow threw me in to a spin before grabbing me again.

"You know, if I didn't know better I would think I was in one of those teenage vampire books."

"That's fine, just so long as you know I'm a werewolf, not a vamp. Besides, I don't bite on the first date."

"Technically, if you count meeting me at the bar, this is date number two." I smiled at myself, I was flirting, and doing a good job of it too.

"Oh, well in that case, you'd better watch your neck."

I giggled and sounded something akin to a little girl at a school dance with her first crush. He loosened his grip and dropped one hand to my lower back. He pulled me close and we started swaying with the music. We danced for two more songs and I was enjoying myself thoroughly. He was smart, and very funny. He came from money, but he was a complete gentleman. I was surprised to find out that we liked some of the same movies. I usually like the ones with very dry humor, and most people I knew went more for the obvious, dirty humor.

Emmett and Rose came to dance and when she caught my eye she gave me a big thumbs up. I saw Emmett whisper something in her ear and she smiled. She whispered something back and I could have sworn that he held on to her a little bit tighter. What was going on over there?

I had spotted Edward and Tanya at one point, but I didn't see them now. I hoped she wasn't leaving him alone too much. I hated to think of him sitting all by himself for the entire evening.

"Can I ask you something?" Jacob pulled my attention back.

"You just did." I smiled. "Shoot."

"Would it be terribly inappropriate if I kissed you? I know that traditionally I should wait until the end of the date, but we're already so close, and your perfume smells wonderful. I thought since we have the opportunity, we shouldn't waste it."

He caught me off guard so it took me a second to answer. "Uh, yeah. I guess that would be fine. Plus, you're right. I think the dinner has garlic in it, so better now than later." I chuckled at myself, half because I was flattered, and half because I was suddenly very, very anxious.

He never stopped moving, but he pulled me closer, which I didn't think was even possible at that point. He leaned down very slowly, and I closed my eyes and tilted my head up. He softly kissed me, on the cheek.

I opened my eyes. He pulled back and looked at me. I smiled, because I didn't know what else to do. I must have looked like such an idiot.

"Oh, wait. I forgot, this is our second date, I can go for the lips this time." He smiled.

"You are funny."

"You are gorgeous." He leaned in again, and this time I let him come the full way, just in case he was planning another joke.

He kissed me on the lips very softly. It was nice. His lips were soft and warm, not too wet, and not too dry. He pulled back and smiled at me again. I reached up and kissed him again. This time I parted my lips a little bit, and he did the same in response.

"You didn't tell me you were such a good kisser Bella."

"Well, I've been out of practice for a while, so I'm surprised my lips didn't fall off."

"Hmm. Well, if that's how you kiss when you're out of practice, I can't wait to find out what it's like when you get warmed up."

Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and Edward was standing there. I looked for Tanya, but didn't see her.

"Jacob, would you mind if I cut in for a second?"

Jacob looked at me, and I nodded my head.

"She's all yours. " He looked back down at me, "I'll wait for you at our table." He dropped my hand and turned to go.

I turned to Edward. "I didn't think that you liked to dance." He took my hand and held on to my waist.

"I don't, but I thought you could use a break. That guy is kind of a smooth talker, isn't he?" I could hear the distaste in his voice and it made me mad.

"He may talk smoothly, but at least he hasn't left me by myself all night."

He looked down at me and shook his head. "I'm sorry. Truce?"

"I guess so. Hey, hand up."

"Huh?"

"I said hand up. I don't want my date getting the wrong idea." His hand had slid to my lower back and then tilted his fingers downward.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know it was that low." He looked a little chagrined.

I noticed that waiters had started making the rounds with dinner.

"Hey, we need to go sit down. They're serving dinner."

We stopped dancing and headed off the dance floor. We'd almost made it back to the table, but he hadn't let go of my hand yet.

"Edward." He looked at me and I looked at our hands pointedly.

"Oh, yeah, sorry."

We sat down and the dinner came a few minutes later. We all talked, but Emmett and Rose were involved in their own conversation more than the group's. I suddenly realized that there was something going on between the two of them. I was sure of it.

Tanya had returned again just in time to eat. She spent most of the time talking about all of her friends that were there, and barely participated when we talked about other things. Jacob was being a complete gentleman the entire time. This was the best first date I had ever been on.

Even though I was having a great time the night seemed to drag on. I was very tired and ready to leave.

"Jacob, I am having a great time, and I really hate to ask this, but would you mind taking me home now?"

"If you're ready, then I'm ready." He stood up and pulled my chair back for me.

I turned back to the table, "Emmett, Rose, Edward, I had a great time and I am sure I will be seeing you all soon. Tanya, it was very nice to finally meet you. You guys have a great rest of the evening."

I gave them all a small wave. When I caught Rosalie's eye I winked at her and she grinned. She thought I was winking for my own benefit. It was so obvious what was going on between them, and they thought they had it all hidden.

We walked to Jacob's car and he opened my door again. The drive home felt like it took forever because I was so tired. I enjoyed it though, Jacob was very easy to talk to. He even held my hand for the entire ride.

When we got back he walked me to the front door. Instead of going in we sat on the front porch swing. He took off his suit jacket and draped it over my shoulders then put his arm around me. I leaned my head against him.

"I really did have a great time with you tonight. Thank you for coming with me."

"I'm glad you called, I had a good time too. And it looks like I did what I set out to do this evening."

"What's that?"

"Well I was hoping to charm the pants off of you tonight, and look, you're not wearing any."

"You are one in a million Jacob. One in a million." I was laughing so I wasn't prepared for what he did next.

He turned my face to him and kissed me. I had had a good time so I decided that one good kiss wouldn't hurt. I opened my mouth and gave him a deep, but soft kiss. He apparently enjoyed himself because when I thought we should be finished, he kept kissing.

I knew that I should probably stop him, that he was getting the wrong idea, but it was nice to feel wanted after such a long time. His enthusiasm had caught be a bit off guard, but I liked what was happening. He was eager, but not too much. It had a sweet edge to it, like he wanted to treat me like a lady, but at the same time, he wanted to do other, more inappropriate things. I saw headlights turn in at the top of the drive.

I had to speak around his mouth. "Stop. Someone's coming."

"He pulled back, and smiled. That was a great kiss."

"Yeah. Look, it's late and I really need to get in the bed. I promised my mom I would go to church with her in the morning." I was lying, but it was the first thing I thought of that wouldn't hurt his feelings.

"Okay. I can take a hint. One more before I go though."

He leaned back in, and since I was already as far back as I could get, there was nowhere for me to go. I let him kiss me until he was finished. I thought that would be the end of it. The headlights washed over us as they got closer to the house.

He slid his face to the side, so that we were cheek to cheek, and slowly traced his tongue from my jaw line, to my ear, where he nibbled on the lobe. He whispered "Mmm. Tasty." I was so shocked I didn't know what to do.

Luckily he stood up and reached for his jacket. "Call me and we'll go out again. This was fun."

I was at a complete loss for words so I just nodded my head in response. I knew that I shouldn't have liked what just happened, but there were butterflies in my stomach, and a heat in parts of my body that I had long forgotten about. I watched him as he strolled down the sidewalk, and found myself grinning at the cute butt I had somehow missed until now. He had a certain swagger mixed with a certain gentlemanly charm, and I was suddenly sure that there would be a date number two.

He made it to his car at the same time a truck pulled past the house. It was Edward coming home, and he was alone. I felt a bit sorry for him. Tanya must have decided to stay with her friends. I was almost a little bit perturbed with his sudden appearance. I don't think I would have minded if Jacob and I had had a few more minutes alone here in the dark.

**Okay, so before anyone gets too upset, this is a Bella and Edward story. It just takes a bit of time to get there.**


	9. Chapter 9 Flowers and Ice Cream

**Flowers and Ice Cream**

"Smells good in here. Watcha cooking?"

Edward had just come in the back door. It was dinner time so that didn't surprise me. What did surprise me was that he was holding an arm full of white daisies. They were wrapped in cellophane so he must have picked them up from the florist in town. He sat them down in the sink and started digging through the cabinets, looking for a vase I assumed.

"Chicken Parmesan, fried squash, and tossed salad. That was really nice of you, my mom loves daisies."

I had just finished washing the lettuce when he came in so I moved to give him space. I started pulling the lettuce apart and putting the pieces in to a bowl.

"Where is she?"

"She had some of the decorations from last night in her car and she had to take them back to the hospital. She'll be back in a little bit."

He had found the vase and stuffed all of the daisies in to it. I just laughed at him because it was obvious he didn't want to waste any by throwing out what wouldn't fit in. He left to go place the flowers on the table. I could hear him start talking before he made it back to the kitchen.

"So, looked like you were having fun last night. I saw you two cuddling up on the swing when I got back. Good thing I came back when I did, otherwise I would've had to tell your mom about you misbehaving on her porch."

I looked up at him and he was grinning, so I picked up some of the lettuce pieces and threw them at him when he came to stand by me. He just laughed and leaned back against the counter.

"Yeah, well at least my date was here to drop me off. I know you couldn't have taken Tanya home and made it back here that fast. What happened to her?"

"Since she was heading back to school this morning she wanted to go out to some clubs with her friends. I didn't wanna go, so I came back here."

I chuckled at the look on his face. Like the idea of going to a club was completely repulsive. It would have been outright funny if I didn't sympathize. I had long ago outgrown the desire to spend my nights in smoke filled rooms with music blaring and strange people trying to rub body parts against you.

"Well that's what happens when you date kids that young. You can't keep up with people her age anymore, you're getting old."

"If I'm old then you're old too. We're only three years older than her. She's not too young for me to be dating, we just don't enjoy some of the same things."

"Right, like you enjoy sleeping in, and she enjoys getting up early on Saturday to watch cartoons."

He rolled his eyes at my joke. I thought it was funny. He just shook his head and didn't say anything. I felt a little bad for picking on him so I decided to be a little nicer.

"I'm just teasing. All I'm saying is that when you are in your early twenties, three years makes a big difference. She's at the stage where she's trying to figure out who she is and what she wants from life. Don't be surprised if she starts changing on you."

He crossed his arms over his chest. "Yeah, well you would know all about that wouldn't you?"

I chose not to be offended at what he was implying. Mostly because he was right. I spoke from experience.

"I would. I'm not saying that she's anything like I was or that she will make the same decisions I made. I just know that she's right smack in the middle of molding herself in to the person she will be for the rest of her life. She's old enough to drink now and you would be surprised what kind of effect that can have on a girl."

"Speaking of age, how old was that Jason kid? He looked like he should still be in high school."

"Jacob. And actually he is 27, so stop being petty."

"Ooh, 27 and still lives with his parents. Good catch. Plus he's three years older than you, that's a big difference in your twenties."

"He only lives there because he is planning on taking over his dads farm one day. He actually has a degree in Animal Science, so he does have options, thank you very much." I decided to let the last comment slide because, let's be honest, I just kind of stuck my foot in my mouth.

I grabbed the cucumbers and tomatoes and began slicing them in to the bowl.

"So are you gonna go out with him again?"

"What's it to you?"

"Just making conversation."

"Yes. He called this morning and invited me to come spend the day with him tomorrow. We're going to go horseback riding."

He laughed. "Right, well you let me know how that goes."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I just remember how that went for you the last time."

He was talking about the time that he took me riding with one of his buddies. The horse I was riding didn't like me very much. I didn't stay up on it long, but that wasn't my decision. The horse had its own idea of how to get me off. I ended up opting to sit and wait for them to finish. It was a long afternoon.

"Well, things can change. Who knows maybe this time if the horse doesn't like me, he won't leave me in the woods to wait for him to come back."

He didn't get a chance to defend himself. My mom had just come in the back door.

"Hey kids. What's left?"

"Um, I'm finished with the salad now, the squash is done, and the chicken will be finished in about five minutes."

"Good, I'm starving. Where did the flowers come from?"

Edward had straightened up when she walked in the kitchen and was peeking in the oven.

"I got them for you, Esme. To say thanks for the tickets last night. We had a good time."

"I'm glad you kids had fun. We raised a good bit of money, and those children sure need it."

No one said anything else for a few minutes. I started setting the table and Edward came to help me. My mom waited for the chicken to finish, then took it out of the oven and brought it to the table. We all sat down and ate. We didn't talk about much at dinner, just the usual stuff like weather and what had been in the news recently.

When we had finished dinner Edward and I cleared the table. My mom started scooping out some ice cream and handed me two bowls. I started to sit down at the table and hand a bowl to Edward when mom stopped me.

"Bella, honey, I hate to do this to you, but you're gonna have to go somewhere."

"What?" I was confused and I'm sure it was showing.

"I invited some people over from work and they'll be here any minute so you need to make yourself scarce."

"Oh, okay. I guess I can just go sit in my room or something."

"Don't be ridiculous. You can come out to the shop with me. At least I've got a TV out there. We can go finish our ice cream. That way you won't have to worry about listening to a bunch of old people all night." Edward was trying to be nice.

"Uh...okay. Yeah. Let me grab my jacket and put some shoes on."

I went to my room and picked up the jacket and tennis shoes I had used when I had gone for a walk that morning. When I got back to the living room Edward was waiting for me by the back door with both bowls in his hands. I opened the door and let him go first.

We crossed the yard, but didn't say anything on the way. Edward and I were friends again, so I wasn't sure why I felt slightly uncomfortable. We reached the shop and I opened the door, letting him in first. Once inside he handed me my bowl and went to turn the TV on.

I sat on the floor with my back against the length of his bed. He came back and laid across the bed so that his head was hanging off just beside mine. I started eating my ice cream, not paying attention to what was on the television. I was in my own world, daydreaming about random things as usual.

"Did you hear me?"

I jumped a little. I didn't realize that he had been saying anything.

"Oh. Sorry, I was off in my own little world again."

"I could see that. Must be a nice place to live."

"It's not bad, kind of weird sometimes though. What were you saying?"

"I was trying to tell you that you're different."

"What do you mean?" I turned my head to look at him. He was stirring his spoon around the edges of his bowl, but he wasn't eating anything.

"You just seem happier than you used to be. Like you don't have a care in the world anymore."

"I don't. When my dad died I did a lot of soul searching. I thought about all the time I had wasted being miserable about things that I couldn't change. I realized that I had lost myself in worrying about stuff that didn't matter. It didn't matter who liked me or who didn't, how many parties I got invited to, what kind of things I owned, or what people thought of me. I decided that as long as I liked who I was then none of the rest of it mattered."

"Hmm. You still joke around a lot, but you don't do it to get out of talking about stuff you don't want to talk about anymore."

"Yeah. I got tired of avoiding things all the time. It's better to just deal with things head on and get it over with." I took another bite of my ice cream.

"Who would've ever thought, Bella Swan, all grown up."

"Scary, isn't it?"

"You have no idea." He laughed a little then finally took a bite of his ice cream.

I have no clue what came over me. I didn't even know that I was doing it until it was over. At some point my hand decided to take my spoon and drag it down the side of his face, leaving a trail of vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup from his temple all the way to his jaw line. I had even gotten some in his hair.

I had to laugh at the shock on his face. Apparently he wasn't expecting me to do something like that. Then again, neither was I. It took a couple of seconds, but he finally started wiping at the mess with the back of his hand.

"Do you want me to get you something to clean that up with?"

He didn't look directly at me, but he cut his eyes to the side so he could see me.

"No, don't trouble yourself. Besides, you'll be too busy cleaning this."

The next thing I knew his hand was smearing chocolate ice cream across my face. The coldness of it took my breath away for a minute, but I was trying to laugh anyway. He was shaking his hand, trying to get the leftovers off, and I couldn't believe he thought it was going to end there. I thought he knew me better than that.

I stood up, "Do you have any idea what you have just done?"

"Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" He was grinning from ear to ear.

"You're about to find out."

He was still laying on his bed, and for the moment I had the upper hand, so I turned my bowl over and let the rest of my ice cream fall right on to the middle of his back. Not wanting him to get off too lightly, I pressed my hand down and smeared it as much as I could before he jumped up.

He grabbed me around the waist and squeezed me against his chest so that I couldn't move. He tried to dump his bowl on my chest, but my hands caught most of it. He wasn't happy about that so he dropped the bowl and grabbed my hands. He forced them on to my chest, squishing ice cream everywhere. I was pushing against him and he lost his balance, falling back on to the bed.

He hadn't let go of me so I tumbled down with him. We were laughing, and I was half screaming. The ice cream had all melted at this point so while we wrestled on his bed it was ruining his sheets.

He was stronger than I was, but I was quicker. Every time he thought he had me pinned down I wriggled some part of me free and either hit, poked, or kicked back at him. Finally, I had to give up because I was laughing too hard to fight back.

He flipped me on to my back and pinned both my wrists above my head with one of his hands. He was sitting on top of me, straddling my waist, so I couldn't have gotten away if I had wanted to.

"Do you give up?" He was almost as breathless as I was.

"Yes...you...win."

He stood up and pulled me with him. He must not have realized how hard he pulled in the excitement of the moment because I flew against his chest. I was off balance and about to fall when he caught me. He held me until he was sure I wasn't going to slip again.

"Okay, I think I can take it from here..."

I was still laughing, but stopped when I looked up. He was still holding on to me, but at some point it had changed from helping me to _holding_ me. His grip had loosened, but not enough to make me think he was letting go any time soon.

He was looking down at me like it was the first time he had seen me in a long while. He brought his other hand up to my face and moved some of the hair that had gotten stuck there in the ice cream. I couldn't look away from his face. Though I couldn't see any of the rest of him, I could feel him.

I was suddenly very aware of the fact that he felt warm, and his muscles were hard against my soft skin. I closed my eyes and shook my head. This wasn't right.

"Um. I think I've made a mess of things again. Typical me right?" I laughed a little, trying to ease the tension that was suddenly there.

When I looked back up he blinked, and it was like he realized that there was something not entirely appropriate about the way we were standing. He let go of me and back a couple of steps away.

"Yeah. This is gross. You look like you've been out rolling in the mud."

"Thanks, you don't look too bad yourself."

We were trying to joke around, but the awkwardness was still there.

"I should probably go back to the house and get cleaned up."

"You're mom has company, remember? You can take a shower and I'll loan you some clothes. After we both get cleaned up you can help me change the sheets."

He had started over towards his dresser and was pulling out clothes. I stood there, debating whether or not I should stay. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by running off, but I also didn't want him to think that I was trying anything funny by staying. He had taken the clothes in to the bathroom with him. His hands were empty when he came right back out.

"I put some clothes in there for you. There's towels under the sink that you can use. I'm gonna start wiping up some of the mess on the floor and stuff."

He was moving around the room wiping at different spots with a cleaning rag. I couldn't tell if he was avoiding looking at me or if he just didn't think much of what had happened. He seemed pretty at ease, not nervous in the least.

"Okay, I'll hurry so you can get cleaned up too, and then I'll clean up whatever you don't get to. It's my fault anyway."

I crossed the room as I spoke and shut the bathroom door behind me as soon as I finished my sentence. I pressed my back against the door and took a few deep breaths to steady myself. I didn't know what just happened, and to be honest I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Edward and I had gotten back to a place where we could be friends. I knew that at this point I didn't want him to avoid me because I read things into his actions that weren't there. He hadn't been looking at me like that. The hold wasn't what I thought he had turned it in to. He seemed okay now, so I should be too.

I started undressing and found the towels under the sink. I placed one on top of the clothes that he had laid out for me. My bra and underwear were completely covered with ice cream, and since he didn't have any of those to lend me I tried to rinse them in the sink. All I needed to do was make them less sticky for now. I could wash them later. I turned on the sink and let the water run for about five minutes while I was trying to scrub the stains.

Once I thought I had them clean enough I turned the water off, then started looking for a hair dryer to dry them off with. I finally found one, which I could only assume Tanya had left here at one point, and started the drying process. Luckily the air was really hot so it only took a few minutes to dry them completely.

I laid them back on top of the towel and went to step in the shower. Just as I got my first foot in the tub I heard the door start to open. I tried to jump the rest of the way in, but I didn't realize I was pulling so hard on the shower curtain. It was one of those rods that you adjusted to the proper length, and was held in place by two rubber ends. It wasn't meant to support that much weight.

I fell in to the tub and the rod, curtain and all, landed on top of me. It bounced around a bit, but then settled and covered me completely. As soon as it was over I stayed absolutely still. I listened to see if I could hear anything. Maybe I had overreacted. Maybe there wasn't anyone in here.

"Bella?"

Damn it.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine. "

"I'm sorry. I thought you were done." His voice sounded odd, like he was holding something back.

"Nope. I was washing out my underwear. I haven't showered yet. Sorry about the mess. I'll put the curtain back up in just a minute." I didn't know whether I should be amused or completely embarrassed.

It was silent for a minute. Then, thankfully, he started laughing harder than I had ever heard him laugh before. I joined in and was able to see past my own awkwardness and understand that if there had been a camera, I could have won money on one of those home video shows. Or I could have at least become the latest YouTube sensation.

"Do you need any help?"

"No, no. I think I've got it. You can go. Next time wait for me to come to you."

We were both still laughing, but his voice had become muffled. I peeked out and made sure that he was gone. I stood up and reattached the rod to the wall. I showered, laughing the whole time.

Once I finished I dressed in the t-shirt and pajama pants that he had given me. They all but swallowed me whole. It was probably a good thing, I would feel a little self conscious if I were wearing tight clothes after everything that had just happened.

Edward showered, and I picked up where he left off with the cleaning. Once everything had been wiped off of the floor and other parts of the room I stripped the sheets from his bed. They were going to need some serious stain fighting. At least nothing had made it through to the mattress.

"Edward, where are your sheets?"

I had to raise my voice because he was still in the bathroom. He came out as soon as I was finished asking though.

"There over here." He motioned to a small cabinet just inside the bathroom door. He was carrying all of our dirty clothes so I pushed past him and opened the cabinet.

I reached in, looking for sheets. When I found a matching set I grabbed them, but my hand hit something. I lifted up the sheets and saw a wooden box tucked back in the corner. I sat the sheets on the edge of the sink and pulled the box out. It had a keyhole on the front, and it was locked.

"Hey, Edward. What's this?"

He turned to see what I was holding and he smiled.

"Help me make the bed first and then I'll show you."


	10. Chapter 10 Love Notes and Hay Lofts

**Love Notes and Hay Lofts**

"Edward, I cannot believe that you still have all of this!" I leafed through the pages in awe.

"Well, I kept them thinking it would be fun to show our kids. I had forgotten all about them until I moved out here and found them in my stuff at home. I kept yours and added some others to it. It'll still make for good stories one day."

When we had finished putting sheets on his bed and found a clean quilt he put the box on the middle of the bed. He was sitting cross legged at the foot of the bed and I was sitting with my back against the head board. He opened the box and dumped out a pile of folded papers.

He had saved almost every letter that I had written to him in high school and my first year of college. There were boutonnieres from two proms, photos that I didn't know existed, and my old engagement ring. I had given it back to him when I broke up with him.

I didn't even get the chance to be embarrassed because the first thing I picked up was a letter from another girl. He kept a lot of stuff from all the girls he had dated. There were napkins with phone numbers, and some other odds and ends that he had picked up from dates along the way.

"Oh my gosh. Look how young we looked. I didn't think we had changed that much." I couldn't get over some of the pictures he had.

"Tell me about it. I haven't looked through this stuff in a long time."

I picked up some of the letters that I had written to him and started reading them out loud. We both laughed at how sappy some of them were. There was one where I must have written 'I love you' at least a hundred times. I even found the one that I had written to him the day after we had slept together for the first time.

"Jesus, I was such a little girl. How did you stand being around me?" I chuckled.

"It wasn't easy. Somebody had to do it."

I threw the letter at him and laughed. "You enjoyed every minute of it. Don't try to pretend you didn't. "

"Yeah, those were the days. Back when I could trick pretty girls in to thinking I was something special."

"You are still something special Edward. That never changed, I did. Plus Tanya seems to think you're pretty special, too."

"Well, what can I say. You find them young enough and they don't look too closely. They're easier to trick."

"Don't tell me that. Jacob is older than me so if he doesn't fall for tricks then he already knows what a flake I am. He's going to be running away from me by noon tomorrow. Watch."

He laughed, "If he's smart he'll leave before you get there."

I kicked at him, "Ha ha."

"Seriously though, Bella, if he doesn't see what he's got in front of him then you shouldn't be wasting time on him anyway."

"Thanks, that's sweet. I tell you what. If I can't find a guy by the time I'm thirty, then you can finally force me down the aisle. If your still single too, that is." I smiled at him.

"Why thirty?"

"Because I don't want to be going on sixty at my kids high school graduation."

He looked down and laughed again. "Okay, deal."

We had been sitting on the bed going through the stuff for a couple of hours and it had gotten dark outside quite some time ago.

"Well, I'd better head back to the house. I have to be up early. I'll take your sheets and try to get all of the chocolate off."

We both slid off the bed. He turned and started putting the stuff back in his box and I went to gather all of our clothes and the sheets. Once I had everything situated so that I could carry it, Edward came to open the door.

"Do you want me to walk you back to the house?"

"No, I think I've got it.

He opened the door and I stepped out in to the cold air. It was starting to turn pretty cold at nights now. Winter wasn't far off.

"Hey, Bella?"

I turned around and he was standing in the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"Even though you dirtied my sheets, broke my shower, and snooped through my stuff, I had a good time tonight."

He was smiling so I knew he was teasing me. It was all true, but he was still teasing.

"I did too. It was nice spending time with you again. I'm glad that you don't hate me anymore."

"Me too."

I smiled at him again and turned to start towards the house. I heard him close the door behind me. It took a little longer, because I kept dropping things, but I finally made it back to the house a few minutes later. I could see my mom inside, cleaning up. Her company must have left by now. Thank goodness. This looked bad enough, I didn't want total strangers thinking my mom had a nut job for a daughter.

It didn't take her long to give me a once over after I got in the door.

"Don't go there. We had a food fight, I just volunteered to clean his stuff because I started it."

"I wasn't going say a thing."

She kept cleaning and I dropped the laundry in the washroom. I was too tired to try and deal with it tonight, so I left it there. I was ready for bed so I gave my mom a hug and a kiss, then went to get in my bed.

As I slowly drifted off I was vaguely aware that I could still smell him, and remembered that I was still wearing his clothes. I was too close to unconsciousness to do anything about it, so I fell asleep with him in the forefront of my dreams.

"I'm glad you came. I didn't know if you were still going to come with it raining." Jacob was sitting beside me at his kitchen table.

It had started raining before I ever left the house. I knew horseback riding was out, and I really wasn't that sad about it. He had made us some tea and we were chatting about our families and friends.

"Well, I promised that I would come see you. I will admit though, if you weren't so funny I probably wouldn't have shown up."

"I'll have to remember that. Funny equals girls. That must have been what I was doing wrong all this time. I thought women wanted serious, romantic guys."

"Well, some combination works best. Funny at times, romantic at others. I think you have it figured out."

Jacob's parents weren't what you could call rich, but the obviously had a good deal of money. Their house was mid-sized and very nicely decorated and furnished. It had a very homey feel to it.

"You're parents house is great."

"Why do you think I still live here? The ladies go crazy for good real estate."

I shook my head at him and grinned. Talking to him was really easy. Not like it had been with all the other guys I had tried to date before. He was relaxed, and that made me relaxed. I sipped some more of my tea.

"So, are we going to hang around here all day?"

"I can take you down to the barn. I'll show you the horses, and the hay loft is good for catching some great views."

"Sure, let's go romp in the hay loft. That's not cliche at all." I winked at him and he smiled at me.

We walked out to his truck. He wanted to drive since it was still raining a little bit. We drove down a bumpy dirt path. I asked why they hadn't had an actual drive put in, and he told me they had. He just wanted to take this way to give me the full farm experience. I would have laughed if I wasn't concentrating so hard on not flying in to the dashboard.

Once we reached the barn the rain had let up, but the sky was still dark. He took me by each of the horse stalls and showed me all of the horses. They had all come back because of the rain. There were a couple of dogs lounging just inside the barn door and I stopped to play with them. I loved dogs and these had to be two of the sweetest ones I had ever seen.

He showed me some tricks that he had taught them. Well, he tried to. Turns out the only trick they knew was to stare at him like he had lost his mind. He said that he hoped they would pretend to know how to do something so he could impress me. It was so stupid it was funny.

He walked me to the back of the barn where there was a set of stairs leading up. We took the stairs, and I followed him back to the other end of the barn. He reached the wall and slid open two huge doors. I gasped.

You could see for miles. It was nothing but pastures and outcroppings of trees. There were cows off in the distance, and the recent rain had made everything glisten. He sat on the edge of the floor, letting his legs dangle in the open air. I sat down beside him.

"So, what do you think? Too classy up here for you?"

"You bet. The smell of old hay and fresh manure is far too nice for a girl like me. On a serious note though, the view is goregous."

"I don't know, I've seen you dressed up before. This is nothing compared to you."

I shook my head at him, but smiled in spite of myself.

"Bella, about the other night, I don't know why I acted like that when I took you home."

"That's okay, you're a man. I wasn't surprised." We were sitting right next to each other so I leaned over and nudged him.

"I was. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. And the whole lick thing, I don' t even know where that came from." I could tell that he was serious, and he was genuinely sorry. "It was partly your fault though, you were too pretty." He was trying to lighten the mood.

"I'll remember that next time we go on a date. Don't look too pretty or the cute boy might kiss me."

"So there's going to be a next time?"

"Oh, sorry I was just joking around. I didn't mean that I think you're gonna ask me out again or anything. " I looked down, embarrassed, and started picking at a damaged piece of wood.

"No I'm glad you said that. Now I don't have to worry about whether or not you'll say yes." He nudged my shoulder.

I decided to change the subject. "I assume your mom is at work, since it's a Monday, but where's your dad?"

"He had to go have a meeting with the people that he sells some of our colts to. Renegotiating prices I guess. He wanted me to come with him, but I wanted to be here."

"You didn't have to that. I could have come any time. Jobless, remember?"

"Yeah. So you said something about living with Edward, that guy from the benefit dinner. How did that come about?"

"Oh, no, I didn't mean that we live together. My mom let him move in to a shop out behind our house. "

"Huh. I hate to ask, but I'm really curious. Did you two ever date?"

"Why?"

"Well men have a way of knowing when there's competition, and I just got a feeling the other night that there was something there."

"Oh, no. I mean, yes, we dated at one point. But that was four years ago. He has a girlfriend, you met her." I didn't want to get in to all the details. I didn't want to scare him off before I got a chance to spend some more time with him.

"Yeah, I met her. I also saw how he pays more attention to you than he does to her. I just want to make sure that I'm not getting in the middle of something here. I'm really starting to like you, a lot, and I don't want to keep doing this if there's no point."

"No, there's nothing to get in the middle of. He doesn't pay that much attention to me. She was just gone off with her friends all night, and my brother and Rosalie weren't much for conversation that night, so I was the only person left for him to talk to. We're good friends now. We talk about our dates and everything." I smiled up at him so that he would know I was serious.

"If you say so."

"So, you're really starting to like me?"

He looked a little embarrassed. "Yeah, you're a really cool girl. I like spending time with you. You're not like a lot of the girls that I've met. You have a sense of humor about yourself."

"Well, it's easy when I'm with you, you are pretty hilarious."

We sat up there and talked for a long time. I hadn't realized how long though until the clouds finally broke apart. The sun was a little too far over for it to still be afternoon. It was getting to be evening.

"Wow, I didn't realize it was getting so late. I should probably head back home, and I'm sure I've kept you from everything you should have done today."

"That's okay, it'll still be here tomorrow."

I knew I should leave, but I wasn't ready to go just yet. He didn't seem to be in a hurry either because he didn't make a move to get up. I was _really _starting to like him. I hadn't been this comfortable with a guy since, well, since Edward. For some reason I felt a tiny twinge of guilt when I thought about him.

Ugh, what was I doing? Edward had moved on. He was obviously over me. I had no reason to feel guilty about dating. We were friends now, he would want me to be happy.

"Hey, Jake? About the other night, I'm not sorry."

He looked at me, confused, having forgotten about his apology earlier. I leaned in, but didn't have to go far because we were already sitting so close. I pressed my lips to his and let them linger there for a few seconds.

I leaned back and smiled at him. "Mmm, tasty."

He laughed at me. He reached his hand up and started running his fingers through my pony tail. After a few passes, he took my hand and pulled me up. He held my hand as we walked and I was heading for the stairs. I felt him slow down and turned to see what had stopped him.

He was smiling at me, so I smiled back. "I didn't say we were leaving."

He pulled me to him, but not aggressively, more tentatively. He almost looked nervous. This was a far cry different from the guy that dropped me off two nights ago. He was gentle as he wrapped his arms around my waist. He never took his eyes off my face, and that made me blush a little.

He was going slow, giving me the opportunity to stop him if I chose to. I was happy that he seemed so worried about offending me again. I tilted my head a little to the right and kissed him. He was trying very hard to convey how much he liked me without going too far. He pulled back after a minute and smiled again. He took my hand and moved towards the steps. I stood my ground and pulled back on his hand.

"I know I don't live here, but I didn't say we were leaving yet, either."

I started kissing him again, a little more enthusiastically this time. I hadn't really kissed anyone like this in so long that it was making me dizzy. We stopped kissing long enough to go sit on some loose hay. We started kissing again and I was leaned back on to a pile of hay so that my body was inclined. He was somewhat on top of me, but not in a way that would have made me think he wanted to go any further.

We sat up there for a while, just kissing. There was some light, over the clothes touching, but nothing too serious. I was enjoying myself thoroughly. He was good looking, smart, funny, and a _really_ good kisser.

When we finally broke apart I wasn't sure how much time had passed. I knew my mom would be wondering where I had been all day. She was on the night rotation this week, so I had told her I would be back before she left for work.

"I really should be headed back. My mom was expecting me home a while ago."

"I'll let you leave on one condition."

"What's that? "

"You have to promise that we'll go out again soon. I have to go out of town with my parents for week or so, but I'll call you when I get back."

"Deal."

He leaned down and gave me on last soft kiss, then helped me to my feet. I was covered in hay, and had to laugh when he was helping me pick it out of my hair.

We got back to his house and he walked me to my car.

"So, I'll see you in a couple of weeks then." I let go of his hand and reached for my car door.

"You bet. Don't forget about me while I'm gone. I'm gonna be upset if you don't remember me by then."

"I wouldn't do that. Trust me, there are far less things to do with my time than you realize. I don't stay busy enough to forget anyone."

I sat in my car and cranked the engine. I gave him a wave and backed out of my parking spot. As I drove home I realized that I still had a smile plastered on my face, though I had left Jacob five minutes earlier.


	11. Chapter 11 Gifts and Revelations

**Gifts and Revelations**

Six weeks had passed and it was Christmas morning. Emmett had stayed the night and Rosalie was coming over for lunch. They had told my mother they were dating when Emmett unexpectedly brought her over for Thanksgiving dinner. I missed it because I was quarantined in my room with the flu that I must have caught one day while I was visiting my mom at work. They told me the through the door and I mustered enough energy to tell them they were bad liars, I had known all along.

Edward would come back every now and again to ask how I was feeling. I always lied, he always laughed.

I had only gotten to see Jacob two more times. He was gone longer than he expected to be, then I had gotten the flu, then he got the flu, and now they had gone to visit family for the holidays. We talked on the phone a couple times a week, but it was getting hard to even get through a conversation. Distance didn't do much for a relationship that hadn't even started yet. I really hoped that the New Year would be different. He wasn't coming back in town until after the first of the year.

After I got over the flu my regular dinners with mom and Edward resumed. I even cooked on the nights that my mom was working. Edward and I had developed a brother-sister type of relationship and we had a lot of fun just hanging out.

Edward laughed when I had told him about Jacob's concerns, and my responding answer. It was good to know we were on the same page. Though he didn't seem to like Jacob, for whatever reason, it had nothing to do with 'feelings'.

He did enjoy making jokes at my expense about having a boyfriend that I never saw. I just kept reminding him that Jacob wasn't my boyfriend. That would require us to see each other more than twice a month.

I heard pots and pans clanging in the kitchen so I got out of bed and joined my mother and Emmett. There was enough food there to feed ten people, but we were the only ones here. Edward had gone to spend the morning with his parents and, I was sure, to spend some time with Tanya. He was coming back for a late lunch though.

"Esme, Esme, Esme... tsk tsk. You know we aren't going to eat this much right?"

"Speak for yourself beanpole. I can take it." Emmett had a mouthful of food, but that didn't stop him from shoveling another forkful in to make his point.

"I know honey, the biscuits are for lunch, as are the mashed potatoes, ham slices, and deviled eggs. You get pancakes, bacon, and sausage for now."

"Breakfast of champions, thanks mom." I gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "So Em, since you didn't ask for my advice I am assuming that you got Rose something nice."

"We've only been dating for like two months, we don't have to get gifts yet."

I almost choked on the chocolate milk I had just taken a gulp of. My mother looked at him with a horrified expression. We were both speechless and couldn't do anything but stare at him.

"What? Crap, don't tell me I was supposed to get her something. Great, now she's gonna be mad at me! I don't know about these things, I haven't had an actual girlfriend since high school!"

I looked at my mom, "What did you get me for Christmas?" I was already going in to salvage mode.

"Well, I only got each of you one gift this year, so I bought you diamond pendant necklace."

"That's too much too soon, she'll know he didn't buy it."

I wracked my brain to figure something out. I was not going to let my best friend get her feelings hurt because of my idiot brother. Then it dawned on me.

"I've got it! I bought a new silver bracelet last week that I haven't had a chance to wear yet. It even came in a nice box. You can have that for her, but you owe me."

"Thanks, Bella. I really appreciate it."

"I know, but don't let it happen again, and always remember that if she ever says 'no gifts' you still have to get her a gift."

"Why are women so difficult? If you want something, just say so!"

The rest of the morning was spent cleaning, and setting the table. Mom continued cooking and making sure that we had everything we would need. I finished getting all of the presents under the tree and headed back to take a shower. I was feeling girly today so I straightened my hair and put on a touch of makeup. Not too much, just some loose powder, a hint of blush, a smidgen of eye shadow, and just enough mascara to make my eyes stand out a bit.

I walked in to my room and put on my good jeans again, then pulled on a tightly fitted gray sweater with a deep v-neck. It was probably designed to have a shirt worn underneath, but I didn't want to smother. From her description, it would accent the necklace my mom had gotten me perfectly. I started to look for some socks to put on when I heard a knock at my door. Rose must be here.

"Come in." I heard the door open, but didn't look up because I knew who it would be.

"So, you invited Jacob to lunch, huh?"

I looked up, "Oh, Edward, I thought you were Rose. Um, no. He's out of town visiting relatives and won't be back for another week or so."

"Then who are you trying to impress? You look good. Much better than the pajama pants and tee shirts you usually run around in." He started to grin.

"Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment even though you just basically said that I look terrible every day, except today. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, I just happen to know what my mom is giving me for Christmas and I wanted to wear something that would show it off." I supposed this was a change since he really only ever saw me lounging around the house.

"You already are."

"I already am what?"

"You're already showin' off what your mama gave you."

"Pervert." I laughed because it was kind of funny, obvious and not very original, but funny.

Just then Rosalie came bounding down the hallway. "Bella, I need to talk to you, like now."

"I'll give you ladies some privacy." Edward turned and went back down the hallway, but he looked like there was something else he wanted to say.

As soon as he was out of the room Rose shut the door.

"Oh my GOD, Bella."

"What?"

"I was talking to your brother last night and he was telling me that he had a lot of work coming up and that he would be, like, really busy over the next few weeks. I was just listening and not saying anything, just letting him go on, when he started complaining that we wouldn't get to spend much time together."

She was acting very agitated and pacing across the floor. She finally decided to sit down on my bed, but never stopped talking.

"So I was telling him it was okay and I didn't mind. I thought that was going to be the end of it, but then he said 'I know you don't mind, but I do. I love you. I mean, uh, I love spending time with you. That's what I meant.'"

"Okay... So what did you say."

"I told him I had to go, and hung up the phone!"

"Rosalie! Why did you do that?"

"I didn't know what to say! Was I supposed to ask him if he really meant what he said the first time, or was I supposed to act like nothing happened, or was I supposed to put myself out there and tell him that I loved him? What?"

"Well, _do_ you love him?"

She flung herself back on the bed and sighed. "Yes."

I laughed at her tortured expression, "Then, Rosalie, you need to tell him. I know Em and if he said he loved you that's what he meant. He probably didn't mean for it to come out and was trying to back track to make sure he didn't scare you off."

"Really, you think?"

"I know. Us Swans are notorious for hiding feelings. Now let's get in there and eat. Hey, do you guys want to go see a movie tonight or something?"

"Sure that sounds good. We can ask Edward too, I don't think he has plans. You look really good by the way."

"So I've heard."

Lunch was fantastic and we all ate way too much. We had all finished and were sitting in the living room having some wine when my mom started passing out presents. Rosalie loved her bracelet (thank goodness) and I threw Em a wink when she hugged him. He smiled back and mouthed 'thank you' before he widened his eyes. A smile spread across his face and he pulled back to cup her face and give her the most tender of kisses. My guess was that she had just told him she loved him and that was his response. I smiled at the two of them.

"Disgusting isn't it?"

Edward had come to sit by me on the floor and was reading the directions to the shaving cream heater that my mom had given him. According to her it was something he had mentioned once. Of course he objected to taking it, but she wasn't going to hear of that.

"Very much so. I hate it when people fall in love. " I raised my voice and said loud enough for them to hear, "They should get a room."

Emmett looked at me over Rosalie's shoulder and asked, "Can we use yours?" He took her hand and started leading her down the hallway before she finally pulled him to a stop, laughing the whole time.

"Hey, Edward, we're all going to see a movie in a little bit. Do you wanna come?" Rose didn't notice the hesitation in his answer.

"You should bring Tanya, of course. I still haven't gotten to meet her officially yet." Why did I do that? Why didn't I just let him say no like he was obviously going to?

"I'll have to see."

I was relieved that I hadn't talked him in to it. He didn't seem inclined to come, so that was good. I didn't think I wanted to see them together just yet if I was by myself. The last time we were all together I had a date and she stayed scarce. Third wheel I can handle if it's with Em and Rose. Fifth wheel I can't do.

"Bella, can I borrow a coat? I left mine at home."

"Sure, let's go look in my closet and see what we can find."

Rose dug through my closet until she found my pale blue Ralph Lauren parka.

"So how are things going with Jacob? Are you even still talking to him?"

"Yeah, once or twice a week. He sent me a text message this morning wishing me a merry Christmas."

"Do you think you guys are going to keep dating when he comes back around?"

I sighed, "I don't really know. I mean I really started liking him, but now I'm a little relieved that nothing got started. I don't know if I'm just scared to get back in a relationship now, or what."

"Or because you are still in love with Edward?"

I spun around and faced her. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me. You can lie to yourself all you want Bella, but everyone sees right through you. The only person that doesn't is Edward and that's because he's too busy pretending he's not in love with you too."

"Rose, you are way off the mark on this one. Just let it go, it's not gonna happen."

I was hot under my cheeks. I didn't like it when people made those kind of assumptions, especially my best friend. Why can't two people just be friends? Just because we had a history didn't mean that it was bound to repeat itself.

I put on the necklace my mom had given me and it was perfect. It was a tear drop shaped solitaire diamond pendant on a platinum chain. It had to have cost her a fortune because it was at least two karats, but probably more. I had never owned anything like it in my life. Just as I was admiring it in the mirror my mom came in the door.

"Hey girls, you be careful tonight, their calling for a chance of snow. If it gets too bad make sure you get home as soon as you can. I'm leaving and I don't want to have to worry about you all being out in a storm too."

"Where are you going?"

"A lady never tells, Bella. A lady never tells." She gave me a devilish grin.

"YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"

"Not exactly, just a friend that is lonely on Christmas. But enough about me. See you girls later." With a grand wave she left the room.

I couldn't believe she was seeing someone. I knew that she had been kind of going out with a guy, but I didn't know it was 'holiday' serious. I thought that I would feel different, but I was nothing but happy for her. Emmett made his way in to my room and gave Rose a hug.

"It's time to go, you two have been back here forever. Bella you're riding with us, Edward is gonna meet us there."

Great. Just what I needed.


	12. Chapter 12 Parking Lots and Declarations

**Parking Lots and Declarations**

We pulled up to the theater and got in line for our tickets. The movie we had planned on seeing was already sold out and Em and Rose were discussing our other options. I was standing off to the side looking at the posters advertising the movies that were coming out in a few weeks when Edward walked up and stood beside me.

"Hey."

"Hey, where's Tanya?"

"She's not coming."

"Oh. What happened? Did she get a better offer from another guy?

"Yeah, Jacob called."

I slapped him on the arm and laughed.

Just then Em and Rose came walking over. They didn't have any tickets in their hands, so I figured they couldn't agree and were coming to get our opinions.

"Hey, Edward. Sorry you drove all the way here. The movie is sold out and there isn't anything else we wanted to see." Emmett pulled Rose a little bit closer.

"That's fine. I'll just head back then."

"I hate to ask you this man, but we were gonna stay at Rose's place tonight. Can you give Bella a ride back?"

I glared at my brother with the most evil look I could manage. I couldn't believe he was doing this. Rose just looked and me and bit her lip, fighting a smile. I suddenly realized that she wasn't going to be on my side with this one, so I aimed my glare at her too.

"You know what, Edward, you don't have to do that. I can call my mom and she'll come get me."

"No it's fine. I don't want her to have to come all the way out here, and we're going to the same place anyway."

He wasn't going to let me out of it. If Rosalie had kept her thoughts to herself earlier I wouldn't think twice about it, but now I was uncomfortable. I was stuck and there was nothing I could do. At least when I lived in the city I could have gotten a cab. Damn small towns.

Em and Rose waved as they turned to leave. I was grateful that Tanya hadn't come. It would be bad enough being in the truck alone with him, never mind his girlfriend being there too. We walked back towards his truck where he had parked far enough away that he didn't have to search for an empty spot. Always the gentleman, he went to open my door but it wouldn't move. He patted his pockets for his keys but came up empty. They weren't hanging in the ignition, so he had to have dropped them somewhere. He left me at the truck to go look for them and I leaned against the door, looking up at the sky.

I noticed a group of guys come out of the bar across the street. I heard one of them whistle, but I didn't look up, better not to encourage him. He started calling out to me, but I continued to ignore him. I didn't hear anything else and hoped he had given up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him jogging towards me, while his friends laughed in the background. I realized that I was all alone in an empty parking lot. I couldn't even see Edward.

The man slowed to a walk and stopped and the back of the truck. As far away as he was, I could still smell the liquor wafting off of his clothes. I turned to walk back to the theater hoping that he would just leave. I felt his hand come down on my shoulder.

"Where you going pretty thing? I came all the way over here just to talk to you. " His speech wasn't severely impaired, but the way some syllables ran together indicated that he was more than a little drunk.

I spun around and knocked his hand lose. I turned back around and started to run. I knew he probably didn't mean any real harm, but he was drunk, and drunk people do stupid things. I didn't get but a few steps away when he grabbed my arm and yanked me back. I lost my balance and hit the pavement hard. He was leaning over me, sneering, and reached down to touch my face, but his hand never made it there. I saw something happen, but I didn't know what. All I knew was that the guy wasn't there anymore.

I heard something and looked to see Edward with his hands on the man's throat. He had him pinned up against the truck.

"You son of a bitch. If you ever touch her again I will make it so that your own mother can't identify your body, IF they ever find it." He was spitting his words through clenched teeth, and some of the moisture found its way on to the man's face. "You better leave right now, before I change my mind and do it anyway." I had never heard him threaten someone before and his voice was filled with a frightening amount of rage.

The man looked at me and Edward promptly slammed him against the truck again.

"Do NOT even LOOK at her again." He pulled the guy away from the truck and drug him in to the empty street. He threw him down on the ground and ran back over to where I was laying. I was so stunned that I had never even bothered to get up.

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you? I shouldn't have left you alone out here. I'm so sorry." He sounded a little bit panicked, but more angry. I could tell that the anger was directed at himself.

"I- I'm, I'm fine. Just sore, I landed on my back when I fell. Are you okay? I thought you were gonna lose it."

"So did I."

He helped me up and quickly ushered me to his truck. Once we were in he didn't waste any time leaving. I figured he was worried that the guys friends would be coming.

"Thank you, for helping me. I think the guy was just too drunk to realize what he was doing."

"Me too." His words were clipped. I could see even in the darkness that he had paled somewhat. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly and I didn't say anything else.

We didn't talk much on the way home. Every so often I would have to readjust myself in the seat because of the ache in my back. He kept asking if I was okay, and I just kept lying. He was already too worked up. I didn't need to bother him with a couple of stiff muscles.

When we made it back home he drove right past the house and headed towards the shop.

"Um, you missed my exit driver."

"No, I didn't. I got you a present and forgot to give it to you earlier so I am taking you to it. I'll give you a ride back up so you don't have to walk through the cold." He seemed to have calmed down quite a bit.

I laughed, "What will Tanya say if she finds out that you bought me a gift?"

"What will Jacob say if he finds out that I bought you a gift?"

"Touché. You really didn't have to do that. I didn't get you anything."

"Didn't expect you to."

We walked inside and he went straight to the small wood stove that he used to heat the inside during winter. He put some more wood on top of the fire that was already going. I took my coat off and sat on the end of his bed since there were no chairs in the cramped space. He went in to his bathroom and came out with a tube of some kind of cream and a wrapped box.

"Lay down and lift your shirt up."

"What?" I thought I had heard him wrong. He couldn't have just told me to lay on his bed and pull my shirt up.

"I'm gonna put some of this cream on your back, it'll make sure you aren't too tight tomorrow." Yep, heard him right the first time. He sounded completely at ease about it.

"That's okay, it's in a low spot. I can take care of it later."

He sighed, "Bella, it's nothing I haven't seen before and I'm not trying to sleep with you, so stop acting like a little girl. Up with it."

I thought about it for a minute and realized he was right, we were friends and he wasn't offering anything I wouldn't have offered to him if he'd needed it. We were good enough friends again that it wouldn't be a problem.

"Hmm, a present and a free back rub. My, how the evening has changed. It's a good thing Tanya ditched you tonight, otherwise I would be getting punched in the face right about now."

He rolled his eyes at me and waited.

"Good thing Jacob isn't here either, otherwise _you_ would be getting punched in the face right about now."

"Do you ever shut up, Bella?"

"Do you really have to ask that question?"

He was getting irritated so I stretched out on my stomach and laid my head on one of his pillows. I pulled my sweater up just enough to show him where it hurt most. He got up and went back in to his bathroom and grabbed a towel. Before I figured out what he had planned he yanked my jeans down about an inch or two, then tucked the towel in at the top. They were already low rise jeans, so I was sure he was getting a show, though he didn't seem to notice. If he was okay with it, then I wasn't going to let it bother me.

He pushed my shirt up a little higher and started to rub the cream on to my skin, working his way from top to bottom. I could smell the medication in it immediately. He stopped for a second and, before I could ask if there was a problem, a box landed by my face.

"There, open it."

"Wow, you sound so sincere, now I know why you aren't worried about Tanya finding out."

I lifted myself up on my elbows and took the box in my hands, "You really shouldn't have done this." I took the wrapping paper off of the box and opened it.

I recognized the bracelet immediately.

"I wasn't looking for anything, but when I saw it, it looked like something you would have. So I bought it." He said it so off hand that I didn't feel bad about taking it.

"Thank you, it's perfect." I laughed a little, "Actually I bought the same one just last week, but I let Em have it today to give as Rosalie's Christmas present. That dope didn't even buy her anything."

"Ouch, rookie mistake."

He had rubbed the middle part of my back and had now made his way down to the lower portion.

"What's this?"

"Hmm?" I knew what he was talking about, but I was suddenly too embarrassed to speak.

"You got a tattoo?" He sounded surprised.

"Oh, yeah, I completely forgot it was back there. I try to ignore it as much as possible. I think I'm going to have it removed. I don't even know why I got it in the first place."

"When did you get it?"

"A few weeks after I broke up with you. I was in a bad state of mind, and no one was there to talk me out of it."

"What does it mean?"

"It's Italian for 'Love lost is life lost', or something like that. I know, ironic, right?" I laughed at myself, "I don't speak Italian, so for all I know it says 'Kick me'."

I started to make another joke, but stopped. I felt his hand stop on the side of my hip and his thumb rubbed over the words.

"The hurt muscle is on the other side." I couldn't see him so I didn't know why he had stopped. I kept waiting for him to start over in a different spot.

I felt his lips brush over the tattoo very, very lightly. I knew it was his lips because I could feel the heat from his breath on my skin. I couldn't move, couldn't make myself get up. I didn't know what to do. I knew I should move, but I couldn't. I was startled to realize that a very big part of me didn't want to.

The next time he pressed his lips firmly against my skin and a little above the tattoo. The next thing I knew he hitched his thumb on the one side of my jeans and tugged just a little bit more. I felt his lips open against my skin and his tongue barely grazed the spot he first touched. My insides were suddenly in flames. I hadn't wanted this in a long time, not from anyone, especially him. I hadn't looked at him this way in what felt like forever, but I was ashamed to realize that I liked the idea. I was still frozen in place staring at his headboard with my mouth open in surprise. I was frozen and on fire all at the same time, if that was possible.

He moved just to the left and started kissing all the way up my spine until he reached my the clasp of my bra. His hands had been on both sides of my waist, and followed suit upwards. I felt him place his face on my back and sigh. He pulled my shirt back down and put my pants back in the correct place.

I turned over to face him. "What was that?"

Even though the fire had died down somewhat, it was like it had burned away whatever lid I had put on top of my emotions. There were feelings flooding me now that I never would have imagined I still had.

"That was me doing something you didn't want me to. I'm sorry, Bella. I don't know what happened." He had been sitting on his knees, and now he was running both hands through his hair. He looked guilty.

I found myself wishing that his hands were tugging through my hair. I wanted to tell him that yes, I did want him too. I wanted him to do it again. I couldn't make the words come out. I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything because my nerves closed my throat. I don't know that I consciously decided to do anything, but I was suddenly positive I wanted to show him instead.

I pulled my legs up and sat on my knees facing him. He still hadn't looked up. I reached out with a shaky hand and gingerly took hold of the bottom of his shirt and pulled it towards me. He looked up and was searching my face for something, but I couldn't meet his eyes. I pulled his shirt up over his head and nearly gasped. His body was still tan from being in the sun all summer. The muscles were defined and just right, not too big. This was not the Edward I remembered. This Edward was different. I ran my hand across his chest, then slid it around his neck, and slowly leaned forward. I lightly kissed his collar bone and nuzzled in to his neck.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back just a little. I was scared because I didn't take in to account that he might not want this. He might have stopped for a reason. Then he took my chin in one of his hands. He pulled my face up until my eyes were level with his and waited until I met his eyes with mine. He hesitated for a small second but then kissed my lips softly.

I had forgotten how perfect kissing him felt. There wasn't any thought required to carry out the action. His body might have changed, but his kisses were the same. They were slow and soft, but not too soft. The more he kissed me the harder they got. I wanted him again, and I wanted him badly.

We opened our mouths at the same time and he kissed me with a passion that I hadn't ever felt from him before. A moan escaped low in my throat as I tightened my grip on his neck. It seemed to have encouraged him because the next thing I knew I was on my back and he was pressing his body against the length of mine. He started kissing me harder and slowly moved his hands under my shirt. He lifted it to just under my bra, then dropped his face from my sight and started gently kissing my stomach just above my jeans. I thought I was going to either explode or spontaneously combust. It wasn't possible for a person's body to go through this and survive it.

He was kissing his way back up towards my face, and he pulled my shirt off in the process. I was suddenly grateful that I had been forced to wear one of my few nice bras so that it wouldn't show beneath the low cut of my sweater.

He pulled at my bra strap and was tracing lines along my collar bone and shoulder with his tongue. He was holding himself up with one hand, but the other had found its way underneath my bra. His hand was warm, and firm against my skin.

Our pants were still on, but I had wrapped my legs around his waist. He was pressing himself against me, and the pressure made me almost euphoric. I couldn't wait. I needed this, needed him, now. I reached down and started to loosen his belt.

I don't know what made me think of it, because my mind had completely lost every thought it ever had, but I suddenly remembered that he wasn't mine. He belonged to someone else, and no matter how I felt now, this was wrong.

"Stop. Stop, please." I quickly maneuvered myself out from underneath him and spun so that I was sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from him.

"What? Did I do something wrong?" He had sat up and sounded shocked.

"You have a girlfriend Edward, how do you think she would feel if she knew about this? I can't be that girl Edward. I can't be the girl that knowingly sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. I couldn't be a cheater and I'm not going to let you be one either."

"Bella, you don't underst-"

"No, Edward, you don't understand. We were about to make a huge mistake. I've hurt you enough Edward, I can't do it again, I still love you too much and I realize that now. I wouldn't survive knowing that I did this to you again, caused you to lose someone you love. I'm not going to let you throw away what you have with Tanya just because you fell back in to an old routine with me. I'm sorry, this was all my fault. Please don't come to the house anymore."

I stood up and found my shirt. I pulled it back on over my head and straightened out my pants.

"So that's it? You're just gonna walk out?"

"What other choice do I have Edward? You know that I can't do that to her, or you. No matter how I feel about you now it doesn't change the fact that you are in a committed relationship with her."

"What do you mean 'how you feel about me now'?"

"I'm not getting in to this with you. It won't change anything. You were scared because of what happened to me earlier. It didn't help that you were rubbing my back. I told you about getting that tattoo and it made you think about how we used to be. You don't love me anymore Edward. This was all just a big mistake. If tonight would have been like every other night then this wouldn't have happened."

I had been quickly backing across the room while I spoke and had reached the door. I saw the confusion and pain on his face and that did me in. I started crying and turned to go. Thankfully he didn't come after me. I ran back to the house through falling snow. I had left my coat in my hurry to escape and was freezing by the time I reached the house.

Once inside I went straight to my room and eventually cried myself to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13 Cocoa and Tears

**Cocoa and Tears**

The next morning I woke to find that I had slept completely through the night without waking once. That surprised me given that I had cried harder than I have ever cried before for at least two hours. My body must have shut down from the pain.

I wanted to believe that everything that happened was just a dream. I wanted to resign everything to some dark recess of my mind that couldn't be acessed. I knew it was true, though, because I could still feel the overwhelming grief washing over me. This is what a broken heart felt like.

I thought I had experienced it before. I felt it when I broke up with Edward so long ago. I felt it when my father died. This was new. It was different because the other times it was expected, I had seen those coming. This snuck up from behind and took my legs out from underneath of me. I didn't know I felt that way, and it was dead before it had a chance to live.

The worst part was that I had crushed him all over again. I made him question himself. I made him do something that he had obviously already stopped. He was a good man, and I almost turned him in to a cheater. I knew from experience that wasn't something he took lightly. I knew that he was mad at me for doing that to him.

Just because he wasn't engaged to Tanya didn't meant that he wasn't in love with her. All this time I thought that I was being his friend. Maybe I was just subconsciously worming my way back in to his life so that I could cause chaos where it didn't need to be. I was poison. I was the plague. I would keep destroying him again and again until there was nothing left.

I heard a knock at my door, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. No one knew what had happened, and I wanted to keep it that way. Maybe I could just stay in bed for a few days and no one would be the wiser. I rolled to face the wall.

Someone opened the door and walked over to my bed. I could feel their weight as they sat near my feet. I felt a hand brush the hair back from my face. I heard a gasp, so I must look worse than I felt. I opened my eyes and saw Rose staring at me with her mouth open.

I had forgotten she was coming. We did this every year. The day after Christmas we would spend the day together. Sometimes we went shopping, sometimes we stayed in and watched movies.

"I can't do it today." My voice was barely a whisper.

I closed my eyes and turned my face back in to the pillow. I could feel it coming back, the torrent of tears that had shut off sometime in the night.

"I know. Edward told me." I looked up at her. "He was in the living room when I got here."

"Where is he now? I can't see him. I don't think I could stand it."

"Shh. Shh." My voice had turned a bit hysterical towards the end. "He was just bringing your coat back. He's gone now."

I wondered idly if gone meant just for now or for good. Either way it was farther and longer than what I wanted in my heart of hearts. I wanted him to come to me and tell me it was okay, that he forgave me for being such an awful person.

Why couldn't I just let him go? He was happy and I keep wanting him to come make me feel better. I had no right to want to feel better about any of this. The fact that I kept waiting for it, and wanting it, just made me feel even worse.

Rose couldn't hear the turmoil in my head, but she could hear the sobs pouring out of me now. I didn't know why she was still here. At this point she should be afraid of me too. It was probably just a matter of time before I ruined everything for her too.

She just kept rubbing my back in big, slow circles. She waited for the cries to die down enough so that she could speak over them.

"You're mom left for work a few minutes before I got here. It's just you and me. Bella, I know you, and I know that you don't want to get out of this bed right now, but you have to."

"No, I don't. I don't have a job, there's no where I need to be."

"Yes you do. Your job is to take care of yourself. You are falling apart. As my best friend you are responsible for getting me through tough times, and I have to do the same for you. Now I am going to sit here until you get your ass out of this bed. I won't leave."

I could hear in her tone that she was dead serious. She wasn't going anywhere.

"I don't know that I can, Rose. My body is numb with pain. I don't even think I can feel my legs."

"Let me help you. We'll get through this together. Trust me."

I looked at her through my tear filled eyes and knew that I didn't deserve her sympathy right now, but I was glad to have it. I nodded to let her know that I was ready.

She helped me slowly sit up. I clung to her and cried in to her shoulder. Once I was able, she helped me get my feet on the floor, and then stand. I leaned on her so much that I couldn't have maneuvered in any direction. She was steering me towards the bathroom.

Once we got in there she started running hot water in to the tub, and added some bubbles.

"I know you have a thing about people seeing you naked, but you're gonna have to deal with it for now okay? I need to get your clothes off."

I was too far gone to even try to fight her. She helped me in to the tub and let me sit there without saying another word. She just sat beside the tub and hummed some random songs. I forgot how pretty her voice was. It was helping, the hot water and the humming. I started to feel somewhat functional so I decided to wash my hair. I dunked my head completely under and started rubbing to get the soap out. I toyed with the idea of not coming back up.

I stood up and Rose had a towel waiting for me. She helped me out of the tub, but I didn't need her as much now. I could hold myself up at least. She had brought some clothes in, but I didn't know when.

She helped me get dressed then she blow dried my hair for me while I sat on the bathroom counter. I started crying again, but this time it was because I was grateful to have a friend like her.

She helped me down and then walked me to the kitchen. On the way I saw my coat laid on the back of the couch. On top of it was a box. It was the bracelet he had given me. He probably wanted it away from him so that he wouldn't be reminded of what I had done.

Rose walked me to a stool at the island, and I laid my head on the counter. I heard her going through cabinets, water running, and the microwave starting. She was making hot chocolate. This was our go to drink when we were feeling down. I almost smiled at the memories of all the times we had drank it and talked about sad things.

Once the cups were ready Rosalie came back and sat on the stool beside me.

"Okay, now talk. Tell me what happened.

"Thanks, but I'll be fine. I just need a few days to grieve. I'm getting better." Even as I said the words I knew they weren't true. I had to go on though. I couldn't live in my room for the rest of my life.

"Grieve what, Bella? I don't know what happened. Edward only told me that you were really upset about something that happened last night. I would have asked him, but he practically ran out of here."

"He should have. It's not safe for him to be near me. I'm probably going to kill him at some point. I would be afraid too, if I were him."

"Bella, stop. Just tell me what happened."

I choked out a hard laugh, "You know how some people say they were born to do things? Well I was born to rip him apart every chance that I get. That's what happened."

"Not good enough. Start from the beginning and go from there."

I lifted up my head, took a sip of hot chocolate, and heaved out a sigh. "We were on our way back from the theater and he told me that he had gotten me a present. We were in the shop and he was rubbing some cream on my back-"

"Whoa, stop right there for a second. Why was he rubbing cream on your back?"

"Oh, I almost forgot. Some drunk man tried to grab me in the parking lot, but Edward took care of it. The man accidentally made me fall and I landed on my back so Edward was putting some kind of medicated cream on it."

"Okay, got it. Keep going"

"So anyway, he gave me my gift and then he saw my tattoo. He asked about it and I told him the truth. It must have made him think about the way we used to be together and he started kissing my back. He stopped a pretty soon after that though."

"That's it? I know there's more to it than that. Talk to me, it will help, I promise."

I shook my head, but kept going anyway. "I knew he had stopped, but for some reason I pushed it and tried to make something out of nothing. I was taking advantage of the situation, which I didn't even realize I wanted to do until that moment. We came really close to letting something happen that shouldn't have."

"So what did you do? What did he do?"

"I realized that I was about to turn myself in to the 'other woman', and him in to a cheater. I stopped it. It was too late though. I knew that I loved him at that point and it was too late to change it. I don't think that I ever stopped, really. I just buried it deep enough that even I had a hard time finding it. Anyway, I let it slip that I loved him. He just sat there confused and hurt. I didn't know what else to do, so I left."

It was an impossible situation to be in. I was in love with him and he was in love with someone else. I had ruined everything. He was too good for that. He was too good for me.

"So did you give him a chance to say anything?"

"He didn't need one. It was all written plain as day on his face. You said it yourself, he couldn't get out of here fast enough this morning. Speaking of which, what did he say to you before he left?

I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. I had been debating whether or not I should ask, but I couldn't shake the curiosity. Was he as angry with me as I thought?

"Just that you had gotten really upset last night, and that you might need someone today. He said he was going away for a few days, but didn't say why or when he was coming back."

I nodded and a few tears fell on to my cheeks. I tried to breathe through it so it wouldn't fall apart again.

"I keep doing these things to him and I can't stop. I broke his heart once, and I didn't want to be the reason it was broken again. I know if anything would have happened he would have told Tanya. I didn't want to cause them to break up when he's in love with her. His heart would break again and in a roundabout way it would have been my fault, again. There's a got to be a limit to the pain I inflict on him."

Rose put her mug down and wrapped me in a hug. She could see that I was about to crumble so she tried to hold me together.

"I tell you what. You and I will sit and watch movies the rest of the day. I promise I won't tell anyone, even Em, about this."

"Thanks."

We made our way to the living room and stayed there the rest of the day. We watched old horror movies, but never paid attention to what was going on. We were too busy going over all the finer details of that awful night.

Rose picked up the bracelet he had given me and noticed that it was just like hers.

"Do you think they went shopping together? To be honest I was surprised that Emmett even got me anything."

"No, I don't think they did." All I could so was smile at her. I wanted her to stay in the dark on that one.

Rose had called my mom around lunch time to give her a heads up. She wanted to come home, but Rose talked her out of it. She came back at the regular time, and Rose left. She came to sit by me on the couch and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

"You want to talk about it?

"Not anymore tonight. Maybe in a few days."

"Okay. Just so you know I canceled our New Years Eve party." My mom always had people over for New Years. I had completely forgotten it was coming up and felt awful that she did it because of me.

"No, mom, I'll be fine. Don't do that. If it gets to be too much I'll just go to my room."

"It's already done, besides they needed volunteers to work at the hospital. It's always a busy night."

"Thanks, mom. I know I don't say it often enough, but you're the best mom ever and I love you." I leaned in and gave her a big hug.

"I love you too. And, I'm sorry, I know this is all my fault. I never should've pushed him on you to start with."

"It's really okay mom. I'm a big girl and I obviously can cause my own problems."


	14. Chapter 14 Survival

**Survival**

Two more days had passed. They seemed to run together in a blur. I was damaging myself, but I couldn't stop. I would sneak out to the shop at night and curl up in his bed. I knew he wasn't there, and that's why I went. I wanted to smell him. I wanted to pretend that we were still together and that he was sleeping beside me.

The fantasy made me feel better for a short time. It never lasted long though. I would always start thinking about how it felt to have him touch me, and that always made me think about that last night we had seen each other.

Once that hit, the feeling of some normalcy would pass. I would leave and go back to my room, alone. I was at least functioning on my own during the day now. My mom was still afraid to leave me, but I assured her that I would call her if things got too bad.

I was in my room and heard someone knock at the front door. I didn't know who it could be since everyone was at work today, not to mention, everyone I knew used the back door. I crept down the hallway and tried to peek through the kitchen window. Whoever it was stood too close to the door, so I couldn't see them.

I decided to just open the door, because it was probably a Jehovah's Witness anyway. I pulled the door open and saw Jacob standing there, smiling. He took one look at me and the smile faded.

"Bella, are you okay? You look awful."

It took me a second to respond. I hadn't thought that he would be home for another four days. To be honest I hadn't thought about him at all since Christmas day.

"Hey, Jacob. Um, yeah, I'm okay." I stood there like an idiot for a minute, then finally snapped out of it. "Come in."

He walked in and waited for me to say something.

"Can I get you something to eat or drink? I was getting ready to make some hot chocolate for myself, if you would like some."

"Sure." He looked at me like he wasn't sure if he should be here or not.

I went in to the kitchen and focused on what I was doing. I couldn't concentrate on him and do this at the same time. My ability to multi-task had been seriously hindered lately. Once I had the mugs ready I slid one to him and stood across the counter from where he sat.

"So, can I ask what happened, or is it any of my business?"

"You don't want to know."

He eyed me with suspicion, "It's him, isn't it?"

"Who?"

"Edward. You're like this because of him right?" My silence was good enough. "Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved in this. I knew this was going to happen." He sounded genuinely disappointed.

"You don't understand. There isn't anything going on between me and Edward. It was a stupid mistake that I made. He's in love with Tanya. I'm just having a hard time dealing with my own demons right now."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he decided not to.

"I thought you were going to be out of town for a few more days."

"I did too. I thought maybe I could come home and spend some time with you though. Guess I should have stayed there."

He wasn't hurt like I was, but his ego was damaged. I was tired of being the one that always let people down. I was tired of always hurting someone. I decided that maybe I didn't have to hurt him anymore.

"You know what? I don't have any plans for New Years. My mom is working, so I'll be here all alone. Why don't you come by and have dinner with me?"

"Are you sure? I'm not interested in being some rebound guy for you. I really like you Bella. If there's even a chance that you aren't ready to move on, tell me now."

"I have spent the last few days crying over something that was never mine to start with. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm ready to let go of that. I want to have fun, and I always have fun with you."

He smiled a bit in response. He still didn't look sure. I would like to say that I was worried that he was going to say no, but I honestly wouldn't have minded one way or the other.

"Fine. It's a date. Just promise me that if you change your mind you will call me."

"You have my word. Look, I've been itching to get out of this house for a few days now. I was about to go for a walk to a river that's a little ways back on the property. You wanna come with me?"

"If you don't mind the company, sure."

"Not at all, just let me go change and I'll be back in a minute."

I went back to my room and looked for some of my outdoor winter clothes. The weather had been colder than normal and I didn't want to freeze. I found my old ski bibs, that oddly enough were never used for skiing, and my thickest coat. I put them on and grabbed a hat on my way back to the kitchen.

"You ready?"

"Lead the way."

We headed out the back door and started towards the river. I wasn't worried about taking Jacob by the shop because I knew that Edward wasn't there. Normally I would have held Jacob's hand, or he would have held mine, but today was different. He knew that, and I was glad he didn't try to force anything.

We walked and I asked about his trip to see his family. He told me all about his crazy aunts and uncles. Some of the stories he told could have been straight out of the movies, and I tried my best to 'ooh' and 'ahh' in all the right places.

We eventually made it to the river and I sat on what had now become my usual rock. Jacob sat next to me, but not too close. We sat there for a while just taking in the sounds and enjoying the quiet. I finally realized that he must have been waiting for me to say something since he had been doing all of the talking.

"Nice isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's very peaceful down here. I can see why you like it."

"It helps a lot to come here and clear my head. It feels like home to me, sitting here. I know that no matter what happens everything will work out." I turned my head and smiled at him.

"I hope so." He smiled back.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew there was no chance that I would be moving on any time soon. I shouldn't be toying with Jacob like that. The only reason I did was because I couldn't help but wonder if having him there would make it easier. Someone to focus my attention on couldn't be a bad thing could it?

We sat together for a while. I wasn't in any rush to get back to the house, and he had no where he needed to be at the moment. I got him talking about his family again. I think he understood that I needed the distraction, so he kept going, even when I didn't ask.

We headed back when I started shivering and couldn't stop. I knew Jacob wanted to offer to put his arm around me for warmth, but he had that uncanny sense that knew I didn't want it right then. He was a good guy. I needed to try, for him.

By the time we made it back to the shop I was actually participating in the conversation. I was telling him about Christmas, though I left out everything that happened after lunch, when I noticed Edward's truck was parked in its normal place just outside the shop door.

I glanced around and saw him watching us from the window. I ducked my head and quickened my pace. I couldn't face him. Not only that, but I didn't want Jacob to know that he was there. Jacob sped up with me.

"What's the rush all of the sudden?"

"Nothing, I just got really cold and I really want to get back inside."

He followed me, and never noticed any false hints in my voice. Probably because I hadn't ever lied to him before. I hadn't needed to before.

"So, if you want, you can just be here around five o'clock on New Year's Eve. I'll cook dinner, so all you need to bring is yourself."

"I'd like that. I'll see you then."

With that he was gone. I sighed, but didn't know if it was in relief or resignation. This day was only half way done, and it had already been too long.

Jacob only stayed for a minute once we made it back to the house. I was half pleased, because I wanted to be alone again, but half worried that Edward might be mad enough to come yell at me once Jacob left.


	15. Chapter 15 Confrontations

**Confrontations**

Edward never came to yell at me. In a sick way I had hoped that he would, just so I could see him again. He was back, but never came near the house. I sat up most of the night wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking. I had rebuilt some of the wall that had been so useful in damming up my emotions for so long. I was thinking clearer and not feeling as much. I was worried though that it was because I was shutting off my emotions all together.

I realized that it was the day before New Year's Eve, so I needed to figure out what I was going cook for dinner with Jacob. My mom was off today since she would be working tomorrow night. Maybe she would go with me to the grocery store.

I found her in her bedroom, looking through her closet for something.

"Hey mom, what are you doing?" I flopped myself on to the end of her bed.

"Nothing, just looking to see what kind of stuff I can get rid of. You're fathers clothes have been hanging in here since he died. I think it's about time I gave them away. He's not coming back for them, and they're too big for me." She forced a half smile.

"Are you sure you're ready to do that?"

She sat on the bed next to me. "Yeah. I can't move forward if I'm holding on to what's behind me. I have to make some changes, and this is one of them. I will always love your father, but he's not here to love me back."

"Well, if you need any help, just let me know."

I squeezed her hand and then gave her a hug. It was hard for me to watch her let go of him, but I was happy that she could. It gave me some hope. If she could move past losing the love of her life, then I would be able to too, someday.

"I need to run to the grocery store. I'm making dinner tomorrow night and Jacob is coming over. Do you want to come with me?"

I didn't understand why she looked so shocked, then irritated.

"Bella, why did you invite him over here?" She sounded close to being upset with me.

I was a bit flustered by her unexpected response. I was stuttering a bit when I tried to answer her, and the answers came out sounding more like questions.

"I didn't have any other plans. He's a nice guy and he makes me laugh. I didn't want to spend the evening alone. He didn't have anything else to do."

"So basically all of your reasons have to do with neither of you having anything better to do, and that you didn't want to be alone, right?"

"Well it sounds worse when you put it that way. Mom, I just need some company. I'm not asking him to marry me." Her point had made me feel a bit defensive.

"I know you aren't. But you aren't asking him to be your boyfriend either. You're using him. I don't want to see you lead him on for nothing."

I stopped for a second and thought about what she said. I knew I was using him, but I wasn't sure why. If there was any way that I could force myself to get past Edward, then I was sure Jacob was a guy that I would like to spend time with. He was that already, before everything happened.

"Look, I know you're worried about me. I am not trying to use him. I am trying to force myself past this point in my life. Maybe if I spend enough time with him then I will get over all of this quicker, and who knows, maybe he will be my boyfriend some day."

She was probably more affected by the quiver in my voice than she was my reasoning. I was grasping at straws to overcome a broken heart, and she knew it. She sighed, and her shoulders slumped. She looked like someone that was making a decision they weren't happy about.

"Well, if you're going anyway, I guess I can come with you. Come on."

She left her room, and a second later I followed. I was just grateful she wasn't going to be mad at me all day.

When we got there we separated because she needed to get some stuff for the house, and I was only getting what I needed. I had grabbed one of the small hand held baskets that they kept by the front doors and started putting things in there to make a salad. Once I started thinking about food my appetite came back so I went and grabbed a couple of filets from the meat section. I picked up some baking potatoes and then headed for the wine section.

I figured that since I was doing this, I should do it right and celebrate appropriately. It might make the evening easier to get through, as long as I didn't over do it.

While I was perusing the available selections I noticed that someone had come to stand beside me. At first I figured that it was someone shopping, just like I was. When they didn't move I glanced up, right in to the face of the one person that I had hoped to never have to see again.

I was frozen for a second. I was surprised enough that she was standing there, next to me. But the fact that she was openly glaring at me caused my throat to close up. I couldn't do anything but look at her and she was extremely angry.

I didn't have to ask why. She started raining words on me that would have made me blush any other day of the week. I couldn't break away from the look of fury on her face. I had never seen her like this before.

I didn't have time to react, though we must have been standing there for some time. Once she was finished telling me every thought she'd ever had about me, she turned and walked away. There were a few bystanders that had heard. They all looked at me, some sympathetically, and some laughing.

I turned back to the shelf, grabbed two bottles of champagne, and went to find my mom. One bottle was for after dinner, and one was for after Jake left. I was going to drown this out of my memory if I could.

I found my mom in the frozen food section, but didn't tell her what had happened. She knew something was bothering me, but she must have guessed that it had something to do with everything else that had happened.

I followed my mom for the rest of our trip. I was hoping that if we ran in to her again she would leave me alone. I stayed pretty quiet. I was trying to figure out what she was doing here, and how she knew. I hadn't told anyone but Rosalie the full story, and I know she didn't tell her.

Was her anger just a sample of Edwards? Did he actually tell her what happened? I couldn't believe that he would say those kinds of things about me. Then again, he could have. I wanted to find out, but knew that I wasn't going to ask him. I didn't even know if I would ever see him again.

She might know because maybe Edward was getting ready to move out. Maybe he was leaving for good and needed her help. I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I didn't say anything on the way home, or during lunch. I took a shower and tried to wash the sound of her voice out of my head. I kept hearing it in my head, calling me names and making accusations. Most of it wasn't anything I hadn't said to myself, but it hurt worse hearing it from someone else.

I debated for the rest of the night whether or not to call Rose. I eventually did, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her about what happened. She invited me to come with her and Em to a bar the next night, but I just wasn't up to it. I didn't want to celebrate in public, and I didn't want to make Jake pretend that he was having a good time watching me sulk.

I went to bed questioning everything about myself. I thought I had already been through my journey of self discovery, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I didn't know myself half as well as I thought. It's possible that I wasn't a very nice person. Look what I was doing to Jake. I should have sent him away, but instead I was keeping him around in some misguided attempt at self-preservation.

I decided that it was probably time for me to start looking for a job. I would find a new job in another city, and leave. Everyone was probably better off that way.


	16. Chapter 16 Drunken Rants

**Drunken Rants**

My mom had spent the day sleeping since she was working that night. I kept myself busy by cleaning up around the house and going through my clothes. There were a lot that I hadn't worn recently, and probably wouldn't ever again. I needed to purge some things and take them to the goodwill or something.

I put them in bags and left them near the pile of my dad's things that were being given away. Maybe mom knew someone that would want them. After I had done everything I could think of I turned on the TV and watched some special about a rising trend in teen pregnancy. When that was over I started flipping through channels.

My mom woke up a few minutes later, and came in the living room dressed for work.

"Well, I've got to run. Have fun tonight, but be easy on Jacob. Don't make him think you're offering something more than what you can handle right now."

"Bye mom, have a good time at work." I decided to ignore everything except the very beginning of what she'd said.

She gave me a look, then grabbed her pocket book and walked out the door. If she was leaving then it must be getting close to four-thirty. Jake would be here soon, and I was already hungry, so I went in the kitchen to get dinner started.

I grabbed the champagne that had been sitting in the refrigerator, popped the cork, and poured some in to a wine glass. We didn't own champagne glasses, and I had only had it once before. I was still wound up from being verbally assaulted the day before, so I needed something to help me unwind.

I had waited too late to start baking the potatoes so I peeled them, sliced them, and placed them in a dish in the microwave. It would be the same thing, just no skin to deal with. I went outside and lit the grill. I never understood why people didn't use grills during the winter.

I went back in and started getting the salad together. I was almost finished, with the salad and my champagne, when I saw Jake coming down the sidewalk leading up to the front door. I went to open the door before he knocked and let him in.

"Hey, I'm about to finish up with the salad. The potatoes are still cooking, and I'm gonna put the steaks on as soon as the grill warms up."

"Sounds good." He took off his coat while I shut the door behind him.

He followed me in to the kitchen and took the stool where he had sat just two days before. I offered him some champagne, but he didn't want any. I poured myself another glass.

We made small talk, and I tried to be upbeat like I used to be. He seemed to be struggling too, but I didn't know why. Eventually we just let the conversation die down and I went outside to put the steaks on the grill.

When I came back in he was standing up putting his coat back on.

"Where're you going?" I thought that maybe he had left something in his car.

"I'm gonna take off." He was looking down when he said it.

"What? Why? Did I do something?"

"You've changed, Bella. You aren't the same girl that I knew before. You used to joke and laugh all the time, now I can't even get a smile out of you. Every time you get quiet I wonder if you're thinking about him, and it's not fair to me. I know what you're doing, I've been there too. You think that if I hang around long enough you might get over him. Just because I understand it doesn't mean I like it. You're talking to me like we just met, and I don't want to watch you self-destruct, because that's what's coming. I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. I hope one day you can learn to enjoy it again too."

I looked at him, feeling completely ashamed because he was right. I was being selfish, instead of selfless. I didn't like the person I had become. I wanted to be the girl he knew before, I was so much happier then. But I couldn't pretend that it was going to automatically happen anymore.

I reached out and took his hand. "I'm sorry, Jake. You're a really great guy. It hurts because I know if I had dealt with this years ago you would be exactly the kind of guy I would want to be with now. I know it's no consolation, but I was really starting to like you."

"I know. I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for."

With that, he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.

"Bye Bella."

"Bye Jake."

He let himself out and I watched him walk back to his car. I felt sorry, but at the same time I felt a little bit relieved. Once he pulled out I realized that I was now all alone with dinner for two on New Year's Eve.

I went back out and turned the steaks over, but ran back inside. The sun had been down for a while now and it was getting extremely cold. I picked up my wine glass and took a few more sips of champagne. I was starting to carry a bit of a buzz, but it felt good.

I stirred the potatoes which had finished cooking, and added some butter and salt. I put together a plate for myself, and one more that I would put up for mom to have tomorrow. I ran outside and grabbed the steaks off the grill, then realized that at some point I had finished my second glass. Hmm, wasn't sure when that happened.

I put moms plate in the refrigerator, then carried mine to the table. I realized that it was very quiet in the house, too quiet. Something clicked in my head and I realized that I was the only person making myself miserable. No one else was here to do it. I had been the one choosing to feel bad all day. I was the one that chose to mope around like the world had ended. No more. I was tired of hating myself and feeling bad all of the time. I wanted to feel good again.

I walked over to the stereo and turned it on, setting the volume uncomfortably high. I wanted to forget about everything for a little while. I went to my room and put on a pair of pajama shorts that I had stolen from an old roommate years ago, and a blue tank top. It was getting kind of warm in the house.

I went back to the table and sat down to eat. I was concentrating on my food, but the music had worked its way in to my head. I started dancing in my chair and singing along while I ate. I went and grabbed another glass of champagne to go with my food. I danced my way back to the table and finished eating. I had been sitting there for a few minutes before I looked up, so I don't know how long he had been there.

Edward was standing on the back porch, watching me through the door. Perfect. I was sick of avoiding him anyway. I smiled the biggest smile I could fit on my face and motioned for him to come in. He hesitated, but came in anyway.

He walked straight to the stereo and turned the volume almost all the way down. I was finished with my food so I grabbed my dishes and crossed in to the living room behind him. I walked over to the stereo and turned the volume back up. I danced my way in to the kitchen, feeling like I didn't have a care in the world. I placed the dishes in the sink and heard him turn the stereo completely off.

"I was listening to that." I was surprised at how carefree my voice sounded.

I turned and grabbed the champagne from the refrigerator, and filled my glass just as he was coming around the corner.

"Bella we need to talk."

"No, we don't. Everything has already been said, don't worry about it."

"How much have you had to drink?"

I picked up the empty bottle, held it up in front of my face, and squinted just for effect.

"Looks like... a whole bottle. Just let me finish this glass and then, yep, it'll be a whole bottle."

I started in his direction, dropped the bottle in the trash, then brushed past him to go turn the stereo back on. I hit the power button and took a big sip from my glass.

He was right behind me, turning it off again.

"Like I said, we need to talk."

"No, _you_ feel the need to talk. I don't have anything left to say." I sat sideways on the couch and patted the cushion in front of me. "So talk Edward, get it all off your chest, but I've got to tell you that I think your mom made everything perfectly clear the yesterday."

I took another big gulp from my glass as he sat down. Something I said must not have come out right because he looked confused.

"What are you talking about, when did you see my mom?"

"Oh, did she not tell you that she ran in to me at the grocery store?" I wasn't surprised.

He shook his head, and waited for me to go on. Just thinking about it made me a little bit angry so my words were probably more pointed than they should have been.

I laughed a hard laugh, "Well let's just say that she made it perfectly clear what you think about me. I don't need you to clarify it for me now. Then again, if it will make you feel better to say it to my face then go ahead."

I took another swig.

"Please put that down. Tell me exactly what she said."

"Well, let's see, to sum it all up she said that I make you miserable, you don't want to be around me, I've done nothing but hurt you since the day I got back in town, and last but not least, I'm a slut. Speaking of sluts, shouldn't you be out with your girlfriend right now?" I took another gulp. "Don't worry though, if I forgot anything I'm sure we could call some of the eyewitnesses. They seemed to enjoy watching it."

I took another swig, the glass was almost empty again.

"You don't seriously think that I told her that stuff do you?" He was angry at me.

"Why wouldn't I Edward? She's your mom. She's right too. The only thing that she's got wrong is the slut part, at least I can safely say that she totally screwed the pooch on that one. I couldn't even fuck another guy. I've only ever had sex with you. Even if I wanted to be a slut, apparently I could only ever be yours."

I went to take another sip, but he took the glass from my hand and sat it on the table.

"I think you're done."

I was already mad, so I stood up and grabbed the glass. I turned it all the way up, finishing every drop. I took the glass away from my face and licked the rim for good measure. I tossed the glass to him.

"No, now I'm done."

The glass fell short and shattered on the hardwood floor at his feet. He didn't say anything. He just watched the pieces scatter across the floor.

I went to the kitchen to get the broom and dustpan. I didn't make it past the sink though because my stomach decided to empty out everything I had put in it. I laid my head on the cool countertop and realized that the room was still moving. I rinsed out the sink and then my mouth.

I went back after the broom. Once I yanked it free from the mess in the pantry I turned to go back in the living room. But, again, I had to make a stop at the sink. This time I was able to turn the water on first though. When I was finished I tried to cool myself off by putting some water on my face. After I dried it off with the hem of my shirt and I took a few deep breaths.

The room was still spinning, but the thing with being drunk is that you don't know when to stop. I grabbed the broom and spun back around to face the living room. Not a good idea.

I hit the floor, hard. I didn't move because I wasn't sure which way was up. I thought I was laying still, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure if I had legs anymore. My eyes were open, but I didn't remember opening them. I saw something out of the corner of my eye, so I turned my head.

"Hey Edward, when did you get here?"

"I've been here for a few minutes."

"Oh, okay, well there's some stuff to eat in the fridge if you want it."

"Maybe later, right now we need to get you up."

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I drank too much."

"I think so too."

It felt like I was floating, but I couldn't tell if the ceiling was moving or if it was me. I could see the TV, and then I was laying on the couch, but didn't know how I had gotten there. Someone was leaning over me, but my eyes weren't all the way open and I couldn't tell who it was.

"Hey, whoever you are, Edwards here somewhere, don't let him see me like this."

Then everything went dark.


	17. Chapter 17 New Directions

**New Directions**

I opened my eyes and saw that the TV was on, but the volume was turned down low. It was dark still. There was an empty pot sitting on the floor, just below where my head was. I saw a glass of water on the coffee table, so I sat up and reached for it.

The room wasn't spinning anymore, but I still didn't feel very good. I put the water back on the table and laid down again. I had to readjust my position because the couch cushion was moving underneath me. Wait, what?

I looked up and saw Edward looking down at me. I was on the couch, but my head was in his lap. I covered my face with my hands. Memories started resurfacing. I moaned in to my hands when I remembered what I had done.

"Are you okay?" He started rubbing my hair.

"No. I feel like crap, for a few different reasons."

He pulled my hands off and turned my chin so that I was looking up at him again.

"Well, you've been asleep for about five hours, so the alcohol should be gone for the most part."

"What time is it?"

"A little after midnight."

"Well, happy freakin' New Year."

He chuckled at me, and I closed my eyes again. My head was pounding.

"Do you remember anything?"

"I wish I could say no."

He put one of his hands on the side of my face and started rubbing his thumb across my cheek. It was too dark to read his expression. The light from the TV cast too many shadows across his features.

"You know, I never said any of that stuff. I don't know where she got her information, but it didn't come from me." There wasn't any doubt that he was referring to the things his mother said.

"Well, it came from somewhere. From the level of detail I can't imagine she made it all up."

I had started sitting up again while I was talking. I put my feet on the floor and noticed that he must have cleaned up the broken glass while I was passed out.

"I would never have said anything like that about you, and you know that." He didn't sound angry any more, just exasperated with me.

"It doesn't matter where it came from, she was right. No matter how much I wish it wasn't true, I've caused you nothing but problems since the first day we met. You would have been a whole lot better off if you'd never met me." The sadness in my voice was extremely obvious.

I went to stand up, but he grabbed my arm and held me on the couch.

"It was probably Tanya, she's pretty upset with me."

"Oh, God, you did tell her. I wish you hadn't done that Edward. I don't want you guys to get in a fight over something that I did. It's not worth it. Tell her I'm sorry."

"She's not mad at you. I didn't tell her anything about what happened between us, but I broke up with her a few days ago. Things started going south for us before you ever got back in town and I just kept putting off the inevitable. It's not your fault. I hate to say it, but I wanted to do it before the benefit dinner. I just couldn't deal with seeing you and Jacob together and I thought it would be easier if she was there. The only reason I didn't do it sooner was because she was at school, and I owed it to her to do it face to face."

"I'm sorry, I know you loved her."

He let go of my arm, but I didn't move to get up again. I just sat there, staring at the floor.

"So, I saw Jacob leaving earlier, where'd he run off to?"

"Away from me. He ran away from me. I seem to have that effect on people. He ran away, you ran away, who knows, maybe my mom is running away right now." I tried to laugh, but it didn't come out right.

"I didn't run away from you, Bella. I had a job that I had to go do out of town. I left early so I could get by to see Tanya." He scooted a little bit closer to where I was sitting. "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you while I was gone, I just wanted to wait until we could really talk it out. And I wanted the whole Tanya thing to be out of the way and done with."

My head was too foggy to even respond to that, so I just didn't say anything at all.

"So, I guess you and Jacob aren't seeing each other anymore?"

"No. I should have cut him loose when he first got back in town, but I needed somebody to pick up the pieces. I just didn't realize that I could do it on my own. He knew it was over, so he left."

"So, we're both single again, huh?"

"I'm really sorry about that, are you okay?"

"Bella, I wasn't in love with her. There's only one girl I've ever been in love with, so yeah, I'm kind of okay." He put his hand on my knee.

"Edward, look, I know that you're feeling vulnerable right now. Don't do this. I don't want to go back down this road again. It hurts too much."

I stood up and went in to the kitchen. I started washing out the sink again, and cleaning the dishes that had gotten dirty. He followed me and sat on a stool across the counter from me. I didn't look at him, I knew what would happen if I did, and I didn't feel like crying right now.

"I thought you said you love me."

"What?" That stopped me dead in my tracks.

"When you left the other night, you said you love me. Were you lying?"

I couldn't answer him. I just started washing the dishes again. I tried to speak, but nothing would come out. I figured another truth was easier to give him.

"You don't love me anymore, Edward. So what does it matter how I feel?"

"Bella, do you ever get tired of being wrong? I do love you. I can't believe that you haven't seen that." He pushed his hands in to his hair. "I've been following you around like a lost puppy ever since you came back to town. I've been going crazy trying to not rip your clothes off ever since that night we had to take our ice cream out to the shop. The other night I just couldn't help myself anymore. You were right there, and your skin was just so soft... I could have died when you started kissing me back. I knew you were right about me needing to come clean to Tanya, so I did. I didn't do it for her though. I did it for you because I know you're too good of a person to be with me unless I did it the right way. I need you to understand that I would give up everything just to be with you. I want you Bella, and I want you to want me." His hands kept tugging at his hair, and his words flew out so fast that I wasn't sure I had caught all of them. He was borderline frantic.

I let the water drain out of the sink, and tried to pull my thoughts together. My head was just hurting too bad. I turned and grabbed some Tylenol from the cabinet. I filled a glass with some water and swallowed the pills. I turned back around and steadied myself against the counter.

"Love and lust are two different things. Just because you're attracted to me doesn't mean you want to be with me. It just means you want to sleep with me."

That pissed him off. He actually started _almost_ yelling, "I know that I'm probably not half the man as some of the guys you've been with, but I'm not an idiot. Give me a break!"

I had to look at him and laugh this time, even there wasn't any humor in it.

"What?"

"Edward, I've never been with another man. I couldn't do it. I tried, _believe_ me, I tried, but I couldn't ever go through with it. It never felt right. It never felt like it did when I was with you, and I couldn't ever go through with it. Something in my chest would, jut, _tear_ at me so terribly that I always had to stop it. Hell, I never even actually got any of my clothes off before I flipped on the crazy switch and bolted. So I just gave up. Jacob is the first guy I've even kissed in two years, and look how well that turned out.

"You know when I realized that I was being an idiot? One night I went to a guys apartment and we started making out pretty heavy, I was planning to go all the way with him. We were on the couch and he started unbottoning my shirt when I asked him if he had a condom." I wiped at my eyes. I didn't want to tell him about this, but I had to make him understand. "He just laughed and said that I had told him I was on birth control, and he was right. He wanted to have sex without a condom, and I looked him dead in the eye and never missed a beat when I told laughed and told him that I didn't know him that well. Not well enough to trust that he was clean."

I had to clear my throat because I was fighting the tears back as hard as I could. "So anyway, when he got up to go find one, I left. I didn't even realize how heavy those words were when I said them. I was about to do something serious with a guy that I barely knew. Sex isn't casual to me, no matter how badly I wanted it to be, or how often people said that it should be. I didn't know him well enough to trust him without a condom, and really all it is is a thin piece of rubber. The act is the same whether or not that protection is there, it only protects me from getting STD's. It wouldn't have protected me from the shame or disgust I would have felt afterwards. It wouldn't have protected me from knowing that I didn't love him, and he wasn't you."

He looked stunned. I know he said he believed me when I said that I didn't leave him for someone else, and that I hadn't been with anyone since him, but apparently the truth of my words didn't really hit home for him until now. I looked back down at the floor. I needed to get out of there.

"I smell like vomit, and I look ridiculous. My head hurts. I'm going to take a shower."

I walked quickly down the hallway to the bathroom and turned the water on as hot as I could get it to go. I grabbed my toothbrush and took it in the shower with me. I brushed my teeth, then washed my hair twice. I was still too confused and scared to get back out so I shaved my legs. I knew I couldn't hide forever, so I brushed my teeth one more time, then got out.

Edward said that he loves me. What was I supposed to do with that? We've always been attracted to each other, and I know that he was still attracted to me now, but could it really be more than that for him? Could he actually still love me, after all I'd put him through?

I snuck across the hall to my room to get dressed. I wrapped my hair in my towel and found the first pair of jeans I could get my hands on. They were covered with holes, but they were comfortable. I pulled on an old t-shirt and went back in to the kitchen.

He was still there. He was warming something up in the microwave, and I could smell the aroma of coffee in the air. I hopped up on to the counter behind him and slid back until my knees met the edge.

He pulled the cup from the microwave and handed it to me.

"I thought this might help."

"Thanks. My head isn't hurting anymore."

I took a sip and then wrapped both hands around it's warmth.

"So that's it? You don't have anything else to say?" He looked stunned.

I sighed and my shoulders sagged. I didn't know what he wanted from me. This was just all too impossible to fix in one semi-drunken conversation. I didn't know what else to do so I just took another sip of the coffee.

"Alright, fine. I'll go first." He pushed away from where he was standing and came to a stop just in front of me. "Bella, I am in love with you. I know that you're scared, I can see it in your eyes. You can't lie to me anymore, I know you feel the same way. I want you to know that there isn't anything in this world that I wouldn't do for you."

"You don't mean it. You just got caught up in the moment the other night, and you're confused. I hurt you too much for there to be any kind of feelings left towards me."

"I get why you did it Bella. It hurt like hell, but it wasn't completely unbearable. The worst part out of everything was having to watch you with Jacob. That night I saw you walk in the room at the benefit dinner I knew I was in serious trouble. I had been falling back in love with you since you got home, but I fought it because you didn't feel the same way. But when you showed up there, everyone else in that place disappeared. I couldn't take my eyes off you all night. I had to watch Jacob touch you, and dance with you, and kiss you. I had to watch you smile at him like he was someone special to you. Once I had you in my arms again when we danced, I didn't know how to let go of you. These past two months have been the best and worst of my life. I got to spend time with you again, but I couldn't do it the way I wanted to. I love you."

I placed the coffee mug on the counter and grasped the edges instead, studying them intently. He reached for my hand, but I pulled it back. His hands shot up and grasped the sides of my face, forcing me to look up at him. His eyes were angry. Very angry, and very hurt.

"DAMNIT BELLA, SAY SOMETHING!"

"What do you want me to say?" I was shouting back at him.

"I don't know, but you have to say something, you can't keep everything bottled up anymore!" He was breathing so hard that it was moving the few strands of hair that were hanging in my eyes.

"Fine! I'm in love with you Edward! I can't get you out of my head! I thought we were friends, but I was wrong! I can't be friends with you because I love you! You're the first person I think of every morning, and the last person I think of at night! I ache inside because I don't get to feel you hold me! I want you like I have never wanted anything else in my entire life! I want to forget that the last four years ever happened, but I can't! I don't know what to do anymore! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

The tears had started falling and I couldn't stop them. I wanted to wipe at my face to clear them, but his arms and hands were in the way, so I grabbed on to his wrists instead. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his. His grip on my face softened slightly as he stepped forward so that he was between my knees. His eyes had suddenly gone from angry, to tender and hopeful, and it caused a whimper to escape my throat.

He pulled the towel off of my hair and started running his other hand through the wet tangles. I tried to straighten it out, tucking it behind my ears, and he took my face in both of his hands again.

"Say it again." His voice was low.

I sniffed. "What?"

"Say that you love me."

He started rubbing my bottom lip with his thumb.

"I love you, Edward. I love you, and I always have."

"Tell me that you want me. That you want to have me in your life as more than just a friend." His voice was thick and warm with emotion.

"I want you." I couldn't break my eyes away from his. There was a fire building up behind them, and it was almost like it sparked something inside me too. My lips were suddenly burning under his fingers. It was like every worry I'd ever had went away with one look and was replaced with a want stronger than anything I had ever felt. He must have seen the look on my face change. He started grinning, pleased that he was able to do that.

"Bella, I need to ask you something."

I didn't trust myself to speak so I nodded my head instead.

"Will you please close your eyes?"

I looked at him, confused, but still didn't speak.

"Just trust me, close your eyes."

I closed my eyes and waited. I felt him push my hair back behind my shoulders, and then his lips brushed the side of my neck. He kissed slowly down its length, then pulled at my shirt collar so that my shoulder was exposed. He trailed kisses down to my shoulder and back. They were light kisses, and he was moving very slowly. He moved back up my neck, and then stopped.

I opened my eyes and swallowed, hard before letting out a ragged breath. He chuckled.

"Are you gonna stop me this time, Bella?"

"No." There was almost no sound to my voice.

"Good."

The next thing I knew he was kissing me with a passion that I wasn't prepared for. He had never been like this with me before. It was different than the way I remembered him. It was new, but it was perfect. His lips moved in synch with mine. His hands were on my face, and our lips were touching, but I could feel him under every inch of my skin.

I held on to his neck as I felt one of his hands slide down to my lower back. He yanked me forward roughly so that there wasn't an inch of space between our bodies, then started grinding his already rock hard dick, pressing the seam of my jeans directly on top of my clit. I gasped and he started kissing my neck again. I reached down and grabbed the bottom of his shirt. I pulled it up, but he didn't move. He wouldn't let me take it off. It was like he couldn't stand the thought of letting me go long enough to do even that.

He was holding me so tight that it was difficult to breathe, but I didn't care. I wrapped my legs around his waist and whispered in his ear, "Edward...please."

He knew what I wanted. He placed his hands under my legs and lifted me up. He never broke our kiss, but he somehow managed to carry me down the hallway to my room.

Once we were in there he laid me down on my bed. I finally got his shirt off and started kissing his neck and chest, pulling my nails firmly across his lower back. A groan sounded from somewhere deep in his throat. That was my cue. When I had him distracted enough, I rolled us over so that I was straddling his lap. Then I got up and headed for the door.

"No! Bella wait, don't go!

When I reached the door I pushed it shut firmly. I turned to face him, and leaned back against the door. I started smiling, then reached behind me, and turned the lock.

"You know how self conscious I am right, Edward? How terrified I am to let anyone see me without any clothes on?"

"Yes, though you have no need to be. Bella, you are the sexiest woman I have ever seen."

"Well, let's just say that from the peek of you that I got a few nights ago, and what I can see now, I think we need to leave the lights on for this." I winked at him and bit my bottom lip.

I pushed myself away from the door, hoping that my eyes weren't too puffy from the crying, and slowly pulled my shirt over my head as I continued to walk closer. I watched as his hands fisted the sheets, trying to keep himself from coming to me. I reached around my back and unclasped my bra, letting it slide down my arms and to the floor. This was a huge step for me, but if I couldn't take it with Edward, then I wouldn't be able to take it with anyone. I wanted him to see how much I was willing to do for him, including pushing past one of my biggest insecurities. I just hoped that it worked for me, and not against me.

Just as I reached the edge of the bed I unbuttoned my jeans and slowly pulled the zipper down. I pressed my fingers against the skin at my hips, trying to slide my jeans down, but he stopped me.

"Wait, just wait."

I nodded and put my hands back at my side, though everything in me was screaming to jump under the covers and hide myself.

"There is nothing more that I would like right now, Bella, than to bury myself inside of you as deep and as fast as I can. That being said, I don't want to ruin this by going too fast."

I frowned, trying to understand what he was saying. He saw my expression and rushed to clarify what he meant.

"No, no, no. I don't mean that I don't want to do this, I just mean that I want to go slowly, if that's okay with you. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, and I want to make it last as long as I can."

Before I could respond he situated himself so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his feet on the floor. Making sure that he held my gaze, he reached out and pulled me by my hips so that I was standing directly in front of him, between his legs.

I felt, more than saw him bring his hands to my ribcage, just high enough that his thumbs grazed the sides of my breasts, and slowly trailed his fingers all the way down to my pants. Still looking in to my eyes, he guided my pants down, caressing every inch of my thighs, until he reached my knees.

When the jeans had fallen low enough, I steadied myself by placing my hands on his shoulders and then stepped out, sliding them away with my foot.

He finally looked down, where his hands were still trailing circuits up and down my legs, and watched them in fascination. I was very grateful for the fact that I had at least put on some cute panties, nothing sexy, but the pink cotton bikini briefs were good enough.

He slowly watched his hands traverse up my abdomen, up between my breasts, up my neck and finally cupping my face. With his hands he tilted my head far enough back so that I had to arch in to him. I closed my eyes as I felt one hand reach around my back to cup the nape of my neck, and the other trailed back down between my breasts.

His hand drifted to the side and his fingertips slowly circled my nipple. I let out a breathy sigh of pleasure, wanting to beg him for more, but not wanting to spoil the moment with words. I was paying so much attention to his hands that I was taken by complete surprise when I felt the moist warmth of his mouth enclose my other nipple. I could not contain the cry of pleasure that seemingly leapt from my throat.

The sound must have sparked something inside him, because what had started as something gentle and exploring quickly turned to something rough and purposeful.

The movement was so fast that I barely had time to realize what was happening before I was laid flat on my back, on the bed, and he was hovering over me. He took one moment to look at me and then attacked my neck and chest with his lips, tongue, and teeth, all the while pushing himself between my legs.

The buildup had become too much for me and I couldn't wait any longer. My hands fumbled with his belt, but soon enough I felt the leather give way so that I could unclasp the button. I reached for his zipper and pushed it down as quickly and carefully as I could.

I used my feet to push the denim over his hips and down his legs, but before I could get them down he began grinding himself against me again. His and my underwear were the only things separating us at the moment and I think the fire smoldering between my legs could have probably turned them to ash.

He kept pressing himself against me and I couldn't help but moan loudly at each pass. He was doing things to me that he had never done before. When we were younger it was always in and out for him. I only ever got lucky on occasion when there was oral sex involved beforehand. Otherwise there were no orgasms for me. I never thought him selfish though, because I wanted him to have pleasure more than I wanted it for myself. We were young and in love, and we didn't know any better.

I could already tell that tonight was going to be a whole new experience. I briefly felt a bit of devastation at the fact that someone else had taught him this, but it only lasted long enough for him to make another pass.

"Edward, please, I need you, _now_."

I used my feet to push his boxers down and this time he stood up and pushed them along with his pants all the way off. As soon as he was done with that he placed his face between my legs and made a slow lick up the length of my cotton covered pussy.

Every single particle of oxygen left my body in that moment and I was left spinning. He placed his mouth over me again and blew out a heated breath, before scraping me with his teeth. I felt my underwear give and realized that he was removing it with his mouth.

I couldn't even watch because I knew the visual would be too much. All I could do was bury my hands in my hair and try to distract myself from the overwhelming sensations.

A slight noise caught my attention and I opened my eyes to see Edward rolling a condom on to himself. And, Fuck Me, I swear he must have grown there too. It certainly looked bigger than I remembered it.

I wanted so badly to tell him no, that I didn't want him to wear it. But what about Tanya? Had he slept with her and now used protection? I quickly averted my eyes, because as much as I needed to feel him, I didn't want to ruin the moment by bringing her up.

I scooted myself around so that I was laying the correct way on the bed and watched as he climbed up and over me. He gently rested his weight against me and placed himself at my entrance, but stopped there. He reached up and drew the back of his hand down from my hairline to my jaw.

"Bella, I need you to know... they've always been you. I could never be with another woman without seeing your face. It my head and in my heart, it could only ever be you."

I lifted my head and kissed both his eyelids, then his lips.

"Edward, it's only ever been, and will always only be, you."

He closed his eyes and nodded, then placed his forehead against mine, as he slowly pushed in to me.

We both groaned at the sensation of being together again, not just in the physical sense, but emotionally as well. I never imagined that he would ever love me again, but I was certainly thankful to whatever higher being thought it was necessary to make him just as crazy over me as I was over him.

There were thrusts and pushing and pulling and nipping and touching. There was my first ever orgasm during intercourse. And there was so much love.

It was over before either one of us wanted it to be, but once I went, he was right behind me. We were both sprawled out completely covering my bed, breathing heavily, but smiling widely.

"Holy shit, Edward. I feel like a thirteen year old boy that just touched his first real tit."

"Why is that?"

"Because, Edward, I've never come that quickly in my life."

Edward chuckled and pulled me tighter in to his side.

We had just had the most amazing sex that we had ever had and brave Bella wanted to lay naked with Edward. Unfortunately the brave Bella couldn't hold for long, and once we were both cleaned up I had to put on something to sleep in before snuggling up to his still naked body.

"Edward, don't take this the wrong way, because I don't want to know who or how, but I'm seriously glad that you learned that stuff."

"Me too. I found that working the trifecta is a pretty sucessful way to a woman's orgasm."

"The trifecta?"

"Yeah, pussy, clit, and tits. Touch all three at once with some combination of at least mouth and hands, and you're sure to have one happy lady."

I laughed and nodded, "Duly noted, and eagerly being anticipated."

"As far as how I learned, you'd be surprised. No one actually taught me that."

I looked up at him, questioning how that was possible.

"Well, don't tell anyone, but my mom apparently has a penchant for those dirty romance novels. I've found one or two, and I skimmed a few pages. Needless to say I learned more tricks from those things than any girl. But I do have to admit that I've never been happier or prouder to know that stuff than I am right now."

The lights were off, so I couldn't see it, but I could imagine the look on his face. I could hear the happiness in his voice. I smiled just knowing that I was able to share that with him.

"I love you Edward. I know that there is still a bunch of stuff that we will have to talk about, and I know nothing is fixed, but just know that that will never change. No matter what happens now, I will always love you. It will never be another way for me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I feel the same way Bella. Let's not worry about any of that other stuff right now. For now, just be with me and be happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

"Edward, if I have it my way, that's all you'll ever get."

**A/N So... first ever lemon. The original story didn't have one, but since this is fanfic, and so many of you are fond of it, I thought I would give it a shot. Hope it didn't disappoint (or disgust) any of you, lol.**


	18. Chapter 18 Intruders

**Intruders**

I had forgotten to close the newly hung curtains in my room, and since I was lying on my side facing the window, the sun light woke me again. I heard someone breathing just behind me, and the nights events came flooding back in to my mind. I rolled over to make sure it was real.

He was still asleep, and even though my head was throbbing from all of the alcohol, I decided to have some fun. I sat up straight in the bed and started shaking him.

"Edward! Edward wake up!"

He opened his eyes and saw the panic on my face. He sat up straight and started trying to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"What's the matter?"

"What's the matter? Maybe you would like to explain to me why you are in my bed with no shirt on, and my nightgown is on backwards!"

His face turned pink, and his hands fell like lead. "You don't remember anything?"

"Oh my God. Did we... did we SLEEP TOGETHER?" I clasped my hands over my face for dramatic effect.

"I swear I thought you were sober! You passed out for like five hours and you woke up acting fine!" His voice was pleading, and he was tugging at my hands.

I couldn't help myself anymore. I pulled my hands down so that just my eyes were peeking out. The look on his face made me laugh and I pulled him in to a kiss. When I pulled back again he still looked confused.

"I knew I should have gone in to acting."

"You are awful. That wasn't funny." He laid back down, a little irritated with me.

He was lying on his stomach with his face turned away from me. I started tracing lines on his back. I leaned down and laid myself against him, kissing his shoulder and running my hands through his hair.

"Mmm." He didn't open his eyes.

"Good morning." I whispered in his ear.

"The best." He was being sarcastic, but he turned over beneath me and wrapped me in his arms. "The only reason I tolerate you is because you only joke around with people that you like. As much as you make me laugh, you must love me a whole lot."

"It's true. I love you more than you could know."

I laid there and listened to the sound of his heart, speeding up and slowing down with every inhale and exhale. I never wanted this moment to end, but I knew it had to. My mom would be home any minute, and I knew that this wasn't how I wanted her to find us. "We have to get up."

"Can't we have a few more minutes? I've had to wait a long time for this."

"Okay, but only because you at least waited until I sobered up to have your way with me."

I heard the door open and close in the living room. I jumped up and started throwing our clothes under the bed, thanking God that I was too self conscious to even sleep in the nude. Before he knew what was happening, I pushed Edward to the floor so that he was hidden between the bed and the wall. I jumped back in the bed just in time to pull the covers back up to my waist, as I heard the knob on my door turning. I had never locked it back after we used the bathroom last night and my mother was coming in. From her perspective it would have looked like I was readjusting the sheets.

"Good you're awake."

"Yeah, I just woke up. Late night." I yawned and stretched my arms over my head.

She looked around my room and then eyed me suspiciously, but didn't say anything about what she was thinking. I waited for her to say something. She came and sat on the bed beside me.

"Bella, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine mom. You don't need to worry about me. I am much, much better today." I couldn't hide the hint of a smile that was coming so I pressed my face in to the pillow.

"You haven't been yourself lately, and I'm worried about you."

"Don't waste your time worrying about me. I really am okay now." She didn't need to know why.

My mom sighed and gave me a quick, sympathetic smile. She patted me on the back and stood up to cross the room. When she reached the door she turned and grinned, "Good morning to you too, Edward."

"Excuse me?" My face was frozen in shock, how did she know?

"Honey, unless you've started wearing his size thirteen boots I would have to guess that you've hidden him somewhere in your room, at least half to completely naked no doubt."

If it were literally possible to die of embarrassment I would have ceased to exist in that exact moment.

As always, just when I think things can't get worse I heard someone else coming down the hall. Rosalie bounced in to my room.

"Girl get up, we have some oddly fantastic, yet mind boggling news-"

In her excitement Rosalie ran to my bed, jumped over me, and landed on the other side. Her head stopped, hanging just off the other edge and her legs were on top of me so that we were perpendicular. I knew the exact moment that she saw him, because she stopped dead in the middle of her sentence. All I could do was pull the covers up over my head.

I hadn't even thought about the "we" part of her sentence when I immediately felt another person landing on top of me. It was Emmett. I knew it because as soon as her sentence cut off he picked up with, "Oh my God, that's so gross."

I felt him immediately jump back up, but Rosalie was still there. I wondered why she hadn't moved yet. I felt the entire bed begin to shake when the three uninvited people in my room began laughing.

I whimpered in to my pillow, "Please, God, just make it stop," which only encouraged them more. Rose reached up and yanked the covers off of my face.

"I need to talk to you, only now I have a feeling the conversation will be a bit more interesting." She was still laughing and not even concerned with my extreme mortification.

I hear Emmett clear his throat, "Um, I know you wanted me to stick around, but there will be no talk of this kind in my presence. She's my sister, and I don't want to get sick today." As if he couldn't resist the opportunity Emmett raised his voice, "Edward, man, I've got some work you can get started on if you're really that bored."

Why, God? Why me?

I saw my mother cover her mouth and leave. The small bit of sympathy on her face was overshadowed by the hilarity she found in the moment. My own mother. She should have been just as sick about the whole thing as I was.

"PLEASE JUST GET OUT!" I couldn't take it anymore. I knew what they all were thinking and the worst part was that they were right. I had never been a good liar so I knew I was going to have to own up to it if any of them bothered to ask.

Rose slipped down off the bed and patted me on the back, "Nicely done, Swan, congratulations." She winked, "I'll be waiting for you in the living room." She took Emmett by the hand and the two of them couldn't stop laughing even after the door shut behind them.

Even in the wake of their silence, I couldn't move. I didn't want to. I had no idea what was going through his mind. When the bed started shaking again I knew he was laughing too. Why did everyone except me find this funny? I laid still and didn't say a word. When he was finished he climbed back up on the bed and slid under the covers. He pulled me to him and I buried my face in his chest. I could hear the air move in and out of his lungs every time he tried to fight another round of the giggles.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Why aren't you?"

"If that would have been your mom do you think it would have been funny? As far as my mom knew I was still a virgin! Now she thinks we had sex!" That seemed to be amusing to him.

"Bella the woman isn't stupid. She knows. She was young and in love once too." He chuckled a couple more times, but then he finally settled back down.

"What are we gonna do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Edward I can't walk out there with you. If you think it was bad before, just wait until they see us together."

"I tell you what, if it's better for you, I'll just go out your window. I have to tell you though, they will make jokes about it whether I'm there or not."

"Yeah, but at least this way I can suffer through it without you having to witness it."

He kissed me lightly on the forehead, "Whatever you want." He sat me up and started putting his jeans and boots back on.

I suddenly realized what this seemed like, and needed to make sure he knew how I felt.

"Edward, please understand, I'm not ashamed of this, of what happened. I would never take back what went on in here last night. I just know that they won't understand, and all the jokes and comments will cheapen what we shared. If I do it alone then it will feel like they couldn't taint it for both of us."

He didn't say a word, but once he was done dressing he pulled me off the bed and in to a tight hug. He rubbed my back and whispered in my ear, "Last night was the best night of my life. If I die today, it will be as a happy man. I love you Bella Swan. I love you more than you can imagine."

"I can't believe it all happened, it still seems like a dream. A crazy, wicked good dream."

He let me go and reached for the window. He slid it open and hopped out, then turned just as I kneeled down to face him. "I'll see you later."

"I'll miss you every minute you're gone. I promise not to give away too many details to Rose today." I grinned at his responding smile. "I love you."

"I've got some work to catch up on today, but what do you say about me picking you up around six for a date?"

"Sounds like a plan. Can't wait."

The cold air coming in caused me to shiver and my teeth to chatter. He tapped the window sill and turned to leave. He took five steps then paused and turned back around.

"What's the matter, you forget something?"

"Yeah, this." He strode quickly back to my window and knotted his hands in my hair while pulling my face to him. The kiss started innocently enough, but it grew in to a life of its own. A low moan came out of his mouth and I couldn't feel the chill in the air anymore. There was heat coursing through my veins and air flying through my lungs. When he pulled back we were both gasping.

He pressed his forehead to mine. "I'll see you later."

"I wouldn't miss it."

He let go of me and turned to leave again.

I stood up and closed the window. As I moved towards my dresser I decided to take my time getting dressed. I wanted to give Emmett and Rose enough time to pick and choose which jokes they would make first. And, even though I was dreading the Spanish inquisition, I was full of pride and joy.


	19. Chapter 19 New First Dates

**New First Dates**

"Dinner was wonderful, thank you."

"You're more than welcome. Next time, you're paying though, I didn't know you would eat that much."

I rolled my eyes at him.

We had just gotten back and it was only a little after ten thirty. We were sitting in his truck with the heat on. I had turned myself in the seat and put my feet in his lap. He was rubbing them absentmindedly while we talked about anything and everything.

There had always been something very intimate about sitting in his truck at night. The only light came from the dash and it cast a green tint on everything it touched. Something about the tight, enclosed space made it feel like a safe place. A happy place. A place where it didn't matter what was wrong in the world, because everything was right in here. We had spent a lot of time in his truck when we were younger talking like this. It was one of the things that I had missed most.

"Gosh, I can't believe that Emmett and Rose are engaged. They've only been dating for, like, three months. I mean, I'm glad that she's gonna be my sister, but it just seems like it happened a little too fast."

When I had gone in to the living room Rosalie was waiting for me on the couch. I didn't see Emmett, but I could hear him down the hall. I didn't see him in the bathroom when I had passed it, so was he in my mom's room?

Rosalie asked me about what had happened with Edward, and I couldn't lie. I told her the gist of the story, but left out all the details. She sat on the edge of her seat the entire time. When I was finished she still looked excited, but I didn't know why.

I remembered that she said she had some news and asked her what it was. She held her hand out and I noticed something sparkling on her finger. I was dumbstruck. All I could do was sit there with my mouth hanging open.

When I finally snapped out of it we hugged and jumped around like a couple of school girls. Emmett came down the hall with my mom, he had been back there telling her about it. One of the reasons I was so happy about it at the time was because everyone was focused on them for the moment, which meant I was safe.

"Well they've known each other for a really long time. When it's right, it's right, I guess. Maybe when you're supposed to be with someone, you just know it. And if that's the case, why wait?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just don't know how someone can get that serious that fast. I'm just not sure people can see past the euphoria of a new love and see what's ahead."

"So, do you mean that if I wanted to propose, you would say no?"

"No, that's different. We have a history."

"So do they, it just isn't as mixed up as ours."

"You're right, it was kind of crazy how everything happened so fast once I stopped denying my feelings. Tonight was a great idea, it felt somewhat normal. It's nice to know that we can already go on a date without automatically expecting something to happen at the end of it."

"Who said I wasn't expecting something? I paid for you to eat, and I'm rubbing your feet. You owe me." He winked and puckered his lips in my direction.

I laughed, "I know you're lying. Otherwise we wouldn't be parked in my mother's driveway with the engine running."

"Well, I'm not eighteen anymore. I like spending time talking to you, you make me laugh. I just want to show you that I'm not in this just for one thing. I want more with you." He looked back down at my feet. I almost didn't hear him when he spoke again, "Bella, where do you see this going? What are we doing? I mean, I always hoped this would happen, but I never thought about what we were supposed to do after."

I didn't know what to say so I thought for a minute. "Hmm. I see this eventually going back to where we were, only better. I think we are enjoying being with each other, and there isn't any one thing we're _supposed_ to do. I think we should just do what feels right when it feels right. No pressure."

"I'm afraid that I'm gonna scare you off. I want to be with you all day, every day. I _want_ you all day, every day. I can't stop thinking about you even after we've been together for hours. That all feels right to me _now_." He gave me a half smile, and his green eyes were sparkling , but behind the smile and the sparkle there was concern.

"I know what you mean. I don't know exactly how to behave here either. We both have lives outside of each other but it's so easy to forget everything and everyone else. Part of me wants to leave right now and go somewhere so we can get married. Another, more reasonable, part of me knows that I don't have a job, and neither one of us owns a house. We just have to be smart about which parts to listen to."

He nodded his head, "I guess I should listen to my smarter parts and take you inside now. It's getting late, and I have some work to do first thing in the morning." As he said it he ran his hand up the back of my leg and caressed my calf. He sighed with a wistful look on his face.

He helped me out of the truck and he walked with his arm around my waist. When we reached the door I invited him in for some hot chocolate, but he declined.

"If I come inside I know what you'll do to me. I'm trying to be good here. Let me." He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. "I love you."

I wrapped my arms around him, "I love you too. And just so you know, I'll let you be good. I'll also let you be bad, naughty, dirty, rough, and or insatiable any. Time. You. Want." I punctuated the last few words each with a lingering kiss to his adams apple.

He slid his hands down and cupped my ass roughly, grinding me on to him, and groaning low and loud. Then he smacked me on the ass, but not hard enough, and laughed.

"Jesus, woman. Do you want me to fuck you on your mothers porch?"

"Edward, I want you to fuck me everywhere we go."

He jumped back like I had burned him. "I have to go, NOW. You can't say... You can't expect me to not... you... you, just... I'm leaving. I'll talk to you later, Bella. I love you."

He turned to jog back to his truck so I raised my voice to make sure he could hear me, "Call me, when it feels right, no pressure." He threw me a smile and a wave, then he left.

I opened the door hoping that he knew I was serious about not pressuring him. I didn't want to rush back in to things too quickly. I didn't want to lose this again because of some stupid mistake.

I had noticed that my mom wasn't home, again. She'd been gone a lot lately. I wasn't sure if that was because of me, or something else. I just hoped that if she were upset with me she would talk to me about it. Then again I hadn't given her much of an opportunity to with everything going on.

I walked back to my room and started undressing. I heard my cell phone beep and saw that I had a text message from Edward.

**Too soon? ;)**

I smiled and turned to look out the window and saw his light on. I texted back:

**Never. I miss you already**.

**I miss you 2**

**You left me with a problem Edward, come help a girl out?**

**...don't tempt me, go to bed**

**only with you**

**better be, only me. Love you Bella.**

I turned off the light and climbed in to bed. I watched through the trees until his light went off too. I was tired enough to sleep, but too happy to miss this moment.

I hung up my phone and stared at it in disbelief. That was one phone call that I never expected to receive. After the way she had pretty much handed me my ass in the grocery store, Elizabeth Masen was the last person I expected to get a call from.

I had to know what inspired the need in her to apologize to me. Edward must have said something to her. Crap, now she probably thinks I was tattling on her. I decided to send him a quick text and find out what was going on.

**Just got an interesting call from your mom... care to explain?**

I waited for a minute, but there was no response, so I decided to look over my new hire packet that the hospital had given me. One week after the new year, I had gotten a call about an opening in their department that handled patient accounts, and dealt with insurance and payments. It wasn't my first choice, but it was a job. When I went for the interview I found out that I would get to help people track down funds that may be available to them from different organizations, so they wouldn't have to pay as much out of pocket. I liked the idea of helping people.

Luckily for me, one of my mom's friends called in a few favors and I was given the job. I couldn't wait to start. Though I would miss getting to see Edward as much. The few weeks we had been back together had been nothing short of perfect.

We talked, a LOT, about everything, and there were still things we needed to work out, but it was getting better. The best part was that we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. One of the welcome side effects of a good sex life was that the desire to be naked with Edward completely overrode whatever irrational discomfort I had with actually being naked. I couldn't dwell on it when he put his mouth and hands-

**Sorry, hands were full. Good conversation?**

**Full of what? Maybe, why?**

**Wood. Just curious**.

**Thinking of me? Good, but odd, what did u say 2 her?**

**Always. Just what needed 2 be said.**

**Don't fight over me, not worth it.**

**Totally worth it.**

**Arguable. Coming for lunch 2day?**

I heard a knock at the back door and looked up to see Edward grinning and waving shyly at me. I smiled and crossed the room to let him in.

"Since when do you knock?"

"Since I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me. I swear it was nothing. I was just talking to her and explained that we're back together, and that she was under quite a few misapprehensions based on what all she had heard from Tanya. I told her the truth and she thought it would be a good idea to apologize."

"Well, thanks. It's kind of nice to know that my boyfriend's mother doesn't want to kill me with her bare hands."

Edward wrapped his arms around me and breathed in my hair.

"Is that all I am to you? Just a boyfriend?"

"No, but no one else understands, and there is no word that encompasses how much you mean to me."

"Hm. I feel the same way."

He leaned down and kissed me slowly before straightening up and smiling down at me.

"So, is there something specific you want me to make you for lunch, or are leftovers okay?"

I turned to go in the kitchen, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him. He kissed me long and hard, until I couldn't hold myself up any more.

"Actually, Bella, I was hoping we could skip lunch and go for some afternoon delight."

I swallowed hard. "Edward, do you want me to fuck you on my mother's living room floor?"

"Yes, Bella, I do."

That was all I needed to hear. I knew my mom was at work, and we had hours before anyone would be here. We didn't waste any time, but that was okay, because we had plenty of time ahead of us.

**THE END**


	20. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

It was late June, summer had just started, and the sun was slowly making its way across the sky. I was standing on a chair readjusting some of the garland that was hung around the inside of the tent.

Emmett and Rosalie were getting married today. They wanted a summer wedding, and decided to save money by having the reception at the house in a rented tent. My mom and I had been up all night decorating.

The bachelor and bachelorette parties had been two weeks ago. They decided to have a joint one. It was a good idea until one of Emmett's friends thought it would be funny to hire a stripper. I thought Rosalie was going to be upset, but she sauntered over to Emmett and whispered something in his ear. She was smiling the whole time so I wasn't worried.

The next thing I knew the stripper was gone and no one was any wiser. Out of curiosity I asked Rosalie what she said. She had told Emmett that the stripper could stay, but she would have some competition. Apparently he didn't like the idea of Rosalie taking her clothes off in front of his friends, so he was more than happy to make her leave. I don't think Rosalie would have done it, but he wasn't willing to call her bluff.

We were supposed to be heading to the church soon, but I wanted to make sure everything was just right. I was stretching, trying to straighten a strand of the garland that was just out of my reach. I felt the chair starting to wobble and tried to correct myself, but it was too late, the chair flew out from underneath of me. I let out a startled shriek, and waited to hit the ground, but never did.

Edward was there. He had yanked the chair so that I would fall and he could catch me.

"That wasn't funny, I could have fallen. If you would have messed up my dress Rosalie would have murdered you."

"Well, I guess we'll never know for sure, now will we?"

He sat me on my feet and steadied me.

"You look fantastic." He trailed his fingers along my collar bone.

Rosalie had chosen a light purple, strapless, knee length dress for myself and her sister to wear. She was wearing her hair down, so she requested that we have sleek, high ponytails.

"That tux doesn't look too bad on you either, but keep your hands to yourself. We don't have much time, and I need your help. I can't reach that garland to straighten it out, so can you do it for me?"

He pulled the chair back over and climbed up. Once he had it adjusted he got a strange look on his face.

"What's the matter? It didn't break, did it?"

"No, there's something up here."

"What? My mom and I put up all the decorations. What is it?"

He stepped down off the chair and was looking at something in the palm of his hand. I got closer so I could see it, and noticed that it was shiny. I reached for it, but my hand stopped when I realized what it was.

It was a ring. Scratch that, it was MY ring, but different. Some diamonds had been added to each side of what was once a pear shaped solitaire, set in a platinum band. I pulled my hand back and looked at him, genuinely shocked.

"Now, before you say anything I need to clear up a couple of issues. First of all, don't worry about Rosalie, she's been bugging me to do this for weeks. I told her I would do it soon, but that we wouldn't tell anyone until after they came back from the honeymoon, so they didn't feel like we were trying to steal the spotlight. Second, you have a job now, and even though we don't have a house, it'll be okay. I never told you this, but since I wasn't paying rent I used the money to buy some land just down the road. It actually backs up to your mom's place so we won't have to go far. We can save up for a while and then build a house when we get enough money. Then we can have a small wedding, or a big one, if you want."

"Edward, slow down. You're telling me that you already bought land?"

He looked a little concerned, "Yeah."

"Well that's just... just...great, actually. I already have some money put aside for a house. I got a good bit of money when my dad died, and I've been holding on to it just for that."

He smiled, then got down on one knee.

"Bella, I love you more than I would have ever thought possible. Every day you give me another reason to fall more in love with you. You are the most caring person I have ever met. You never put yourself first, but you will always come first with me. I am ready to start spending the rest of my life taking care of you. I want to fall asleep beside you every night, and wake up with you in my arms every morning until the day I die." He grinned a little, "And to be honest, I'm getting tired of sneaking in and out your window whenever I want to make love to you. Isabella Marie Swan, will you marry me?"

My breathing had stopped. I hadn't ever heard him speak like that before, and I was awestruck by the absolute sincerity of his words. In my head I was screaming the answer at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't find my voice. I never felt him slip the ring on, but he lifted my hand and kissed it. The ring looked perfect, and the entire moment felt perfect. Some basic instinct caused me to take in a huge gasp of air. That helped to unlock my frozen state.

I was nodding before I could get the words out.

"Yes! Yes, Edward I will marry you! How could I say no to you?"

He stood up and we wrapped our arms around each other. He lifted me up and spun me around. I was a little dizzy, but I couldn't tell if it was from the spinning or being deliriously happy.

He sat me on my feet and kissed me. I didn't want the moment to end. I wanted to stay here with him and just be happy. But I had a best friend that needed me to be there for her.

"We need to go, we're going to be late if we don't leave now."

"I know, maybe I should've asked you before you got ready."

"Well, next time you'll know better."

He pulled back and looked at me seriously, "There'd better not be another next time, Bella."

I laughed at him when I realized what he heard in my teasing. I took his hand and we walked out to his truck. I couldn't stop laughing the whole way to the church, but hoped that I could get it under control.

It was nice having a secret. It was special, and it was sweet. For now it belonged just to us, and that's the way it should have been. I was glad he hadn't tried to copy some cheesy romance novel or movie. It was perfect.

The wedding was beautiful. Rosalie was the most beautiful bride I had ever seen. She looked like she stepped off the pages of a magazine. I was still smiling from ear to ear when the ceremony started, but everyone just thought I was happy for the couple. Which I was, but I couldn't help but be a little happy for myself.

I tried to focus on what was happening, but I kept glancing over at Edward. I almost missed my cue to hand her Emmett's ring, but luckily she just laughed.

When we got back to the house, the caterer's were all set up and the DJ was playing some background music. The happy couple showed up a few minutes later and had their first dance.

After dinner, as the best man and the maid of honor, Edward and I had to give toasts. I wrote his for him because he liked being singled out less than I did. He read straight from the paper I had given him, and didn't look up once. It was kind of endearing. I, of course, held back tears the whole way through mine.

Once the cake was cut, my mom pulled me and Emmett to the side.

"Mom, what's the matter?"

"Nothing honey, I just didn't want you two wondering what was going on if you saw me dancing with some strange man. "

I glanced to my right and there was a gentleman standing close by, watching us. My mom reached out to him, and pulled him to stand next to her.

"Emmett, Bella, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. We've been seeing each other for a while now, and I just wanted to introduce him to you."

She didn't even give us a chance to speak. She had already taken him by the hand and walked away. She was nervous about it, and it made us laugh.

He was at least nice enough to turn back towards us and wave, and my goodness was he handsome.

The night started winding down and it was almost time for Emmett and Rosalie to leave. They were clearing the dance floor to make room for the bouquet and garter tosses. Edward and I both agreed to stay out of those.

Rosalie walked to the middle of the floor and called for everyone's attention.

"Okay, everyone. I know that traditionally I am supposed to throw my bouquet in to the crowd and give some lucky girl a shot at getting married in the near future. I hate to disappoint you all, but that won't be happening. I already know who is going to be the next person getting married, so I think it's only fitting that I pass this on to her. Bella, come up here."

I could feel my face turning red. I looked at Edward, and he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, as if to say 'I didn't tell her'.

I stood up and walked over to her, trying to whisper so everyone wouldn't hear.

"Rosalie, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't tell anyone. I even left the ring in Edward's truck so no one would see it. I didn't want to intrude on your day." I was talking very fast because I was ashamed.

"I know you didn't tell anyone. I forgive you, by the way, for not telling me. This is what you get for keeping secrets from me, especially one that I knew about before you did."

She turned to face the people that were watching.

"Since Bella here is too nice to try and steal any attention away from me, I will do it for her. Just this afternoon she and Edward got engaged, and this time it looks like it's gonna last. Bella, you have been my best friend forever and it's about time you got your own little bit of happiness."

We were only standing about a foot apart from each other, so she lightly tossed the bouquet at me, and I caught it. I grabbed her and hugged her.

"Thank you Rose. I love you. I promise at my wedding you can tell everyone you're pregnant, even if you're not."

She laughed, "I love you too and I just might hold you to that."

Edward came over and pulled me in to a kiss. Everyone started clapping and I was trying to hide my face with the flowers. After a minute I gave up and took in the moment.

For a moment time seemed to slow down. I could see the faces of the people that meant the most to me and knew that no matter what, I would always have them. No matter how many times I had to reevaluate who I am, or how many times I messed up, they would be there for me.

My mom was crying. Dr. Cullen put his arm around her and I could tell that he loved her already. I hoped that she knew it. I hoped that he let her know it every day.

I looked at Edward and couldn't help but smile even bigger. I had thought that I would never be able to see him again, but here we were, together again and more in love than I would have ever imagined. I thought back to the time right after I realized I made a mistake in breaking up with him. I thought about the endless days of nothing but darkness, hoping that something would put me out of my misery.

In that moment, surrounded by my family and friends, feeling Edwards arms around me, I realized something. I had heard somewhere once that someone described losing a great love as the blackest of all deaths. I knew now that if losing love was the blackest of any death, then a lost love regained was the brightest of any existence.

**A/N So that's it. Thanks for schlepping through it. As I said I wrote this with other characters some time ago, and it's easy to see that since this little ditty was completed, my writing skills have greatly improved. I know this is far from good, but it serves to remind me how far I've come, so I will always love it for that. There are several places that the story was too rushed, some that were too slow, and some plot that needs to be thickened. But, I didn't want to change any of it. It was my first baby, and I will always love it no matter what. Hopefully you will get some better material from me in the near future. I have several ideas for some one shots, and who knows? Maybe one will blossom in to a much better multi-chapter fic. Love to all of you that read (though none of you reviewed, lol, I know you're out there. The story traffic doesn't lie ;) )**


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